Still Moping

I'm still moping about yesterday. Mike has repeatedly apologized but I have heard it so often I am tired of it. In the mean time I told him if he is sorry to prove it. He said he will figure out a way... I just hope he can figure out that he can prove it by finishing up the practice tests for his GED or getting up on time... though I am not sure if either of those two things will hit him. 


I asked him if he ended up going over there and smoking out and he said no... I don't know if I believe him or not. I want to believe him I really do and the reason he gave (his friend is broke) seemed reasonable enough to believe but if they were hanging out with his friends dad who is loaded I would be rather surprised that the dad didn't end up giving him money. 


Mike also said (he was actually awake before 10am) that Moriah (his friend's fiance) "took it upon herself to wrench a shitload of blackness (his sadness about his girlfriend breaking up with him and their past) out of my heart by force"... Okay... I asked him how she did this and he never replied which makes a couple of thoughts pop up in my mind... 


1) Did she do this by having sex with you (they have had 4-somes in the past both Mike and their friends are in an open relationship) in which case he is only going to feel better for a short while.


2) Did she do this by giving you psychedelics... in which case WTF why can't any of you guys ever try and solve your problems out side of drugs.


3) Did she do this by talking to you and if so (and this is very selfish on my part) what the hell was I doing wrong that I couldn't make you feel better like that. 


I think the 3rd one is the one that bothers me the most really. I am happy he finally woke up on time for once and that he feels better, but I'm sad because it wasn't me that was able to make him feel like that. I know that is super selfish and I will get over it its just that after spending so much time and energy with him was it all just pointless? Really I know its not pointless just... I don't know... I guess in a way I'm jealous... also grateful but jealous still... I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. hrumph. 


In other news I stupidly volunteered myself for dish washing tonight at the old sushi restaurant after I told myself in the past that I wouldn't work there again... I guess in the end I'm a sucker for helping people. Well that and a little bit of extra money doesn't hurt either... *sigh*


I was so upset last night I ended up crying right before we went to bed and now I just feel totally exhausted. I really wish I didn't say I would help with the kitchen... ugh... Who knows maybe they will call me and tell me not to come in... fact chance of that I think... 

Not Feeling Very Jolly This Season

I don't know what its been about this Christmas but I'm not really my usual cheery self. I think part of it is because money is so tight and the other is because I ended up spending so much of it and a lot of the time I'm like oh well I could have bought this or that or the other and that stuff would have been more useful then what I actually got. 


I mean don't get me wrong I got some great deals and I was smart about coupons and sales and what not but I guess I just expected to have more money. I kept reaching into the joint account which while I always put the money back in its like just throwing more of my money away. I keep buy food I don't need to be eating (the expensive kind, or sweets that I really don't need). And its like if the money is not being thrown out one window its going out the other. 


We are going to have a lot more bills this next year and a whole lot less money coming in. The Christmas season is going to die down so Curtis will be getting less hours at work and this is his last semester in school so the loans won't be coming in either. I mean I know it will all work out and we will be okay its just stressing me out like crazy not knowing where exactly this money is going to be coming from. Gamestop sure as shit will not give him a promotion, especially since they are probably hiring this girl that is working there temporarily who used to be in the same position as Curtis. And Gamestop REALLY likes to make girls the assistant manager over guys (its the whole having boobs thing and dorky gamers liking them deal). 


Curtis got a supposed gig working in a theater that my co-workers wife is working on also only to find out that this guy never bought the rights to the play and it is a very likely chance Curtis won't be getting paid at all because the guy is a schmuck. I know he is going to be disappointed which mean I'm going to have to hear about it and tell him how I'm sorry and oh it'll be okay and blah blah blah blah... I think there is only so much empathy I can muster per year and I'm about run out at this point. 


On a whole nother topic, Curtis' mom is posting stupid crap like oh pray for my boyfriend he is going to court tomorrow... the guy is going to court because he got a DUI! uh... no... I don't think so no praying for him. I think more along the lines of praying for the other people out on the road with him. Then she has the nerve to say oh well its only his second offense and he will be fine and I don't like the tone you used... UGH! SECOND OFFENSE! Christ you think she would have learned after Curtis' dad... or her last husband... christ can she pick the winners or what... What a dumb ass. And in the mean time I am trying my best to keep my mouth shut and not say anything but at the same time I feel kind of responsible to be like, HEY you are making a mistake with this guy he has two DUIs he should be in jail! Stop being so afraid to be alone and get rid of him before you start making the same mistakes over and over and over and yeah hopefully you get my point. 


Oh and speaking of DUIs. My ex-boyfriend Mike and I are talking again. His girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him over the phone while he was down in Miami. Both of them were in a horrible state to begin with both doing tons of drugs getting kicked out of places getting caught this that the other no job, stealing, you name it. 


Well I guess life finally kicked him in the ass enough for him to get himself together because he is off all the drugs. Back in my college days when we dated he was just a stoner and he would do magic mushrooms and drop some acid here and there but that was about it. Well after we broke up it escalated for him to pills and coke and finally heroin. Like I said he is clean for now, still smoking if he goes out to see his friends (which is hard to do seeing as he has no license of car and live at home with his dad with no job. He is even trying to stop smoking cigarettes which is great but is still doing them from time to time. In case you are wondering about me, I stopped smoking pot pretty much after we broke up. I think that was part of my college days faze I was going through. 


He is just so sad now though that his girlfriend broke up with him. I mean she literally broke his heart and he feels so bad and not doing drugs and feeling like this is never useful to an addict. she also ended up getting back together with her ex on top of everything else... Mike and her had a horrible relationship though it was abusive in more ways than one on both their ends. I think she did the right thing breaking up with him I just wish she hadn't gone about it in such a cowardly way. He of course is in a bit of denial about how he never hurt her and how she never wanted it to work out to begin with. I wasn't there so I can't say one way or another but I think they both hurt each other, really is pretty obvious. 


I am just so worried about him. He had a really rough day yesterday and he finally got some meds for his anxiety and ADD and something else for the depression but I think the anti-depressants aren't really what is best for him. I just wish I could make him understand that the pain will go away eventually but it will take time. 


In the mean time trying to constantly console him and make sure he is okay and not going back to drugs and not wanting to kill himself is literally exhausting me. I'm his friend though and I would feel horrible if I just stopped being there. Lately though it just doesn't seem like he wants to help himself at all. He needs to take his GED test but the first one that is available won't be until January 15th (or so he tells me) which will be too late for him to sign up for classes in the Spring for college. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers and that he barely wants to help himself and if that is the case it won;t matter what I do. I just wish he could see how lucky he is to have so many people trying to support him. Though some of his friends keep inviting him over to smoke out and one wanted him to get a bunch of acid for him and its just like UGH! come on guys he is trying to do better stop exposing him to all this stuff. 


I've been spending a lot of my time after work with him, usually when Curtis isn't home which can be fun but mainly is just frustrating because he was doing so well at first and then poof now he just can't seem to get out of the bed. he stays up till like 4-5am and then doesn't wake up till 2-4pm in the afternoon. He says he has a lot of trouble getting to sleep which i can understand and he has always had trouble waking up in the morning but comeon, at some point you need to break the cycle. 


Again, another topic. I finally went in to get my stomach looked at to see if I have a hernia, I got the scans but seeing as I am no doctor I couldn't exactly read them. So until my next appointment with my doctor I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just hope one, its not cancer, two its nothing that will get in the way of me having kids, and three its not going to cost us an arm and a leg to get fixed. 


Money is jsut vanishing left and right. I bough Curtis a game I knew he wanted which I thought he had changed the order to not get the special edition version which was another $111 on top of the 25 he already put down only to find out... no he still has the special edition on pre-order so I would have felt bad just getting him the normal game so I bought the stupid freaking game for him.. *sigh* only to then find out that his game is like WoW and you have to ALSO pay a monthly fee to play the damn thing... UGH! its not bad enough he has a new phone (that I got him) to pay for, a new car which he has a monthly payment to make on (which we used all of the wedding money for), anther credit card which I got and put his name on that he charged what was left on his old credit so the interest wouldn't hit, AND a number of medical bills he hasn't paid, and soon school loans, but now a FREAKING GAME!!! UGH!!!! You know, I don't buy myself expensive things or things that are going to take forever to pay off, I don't buy things that have a monthly cost to them, I don't get my nails done my toes done or even my freaking hair done anymore and we live in a shit hole with shitty neighbors that I am embarrassed to have people I know over but he is just spending money like its nothing!!! I know that is probably a little selfish and after all I am the one that got him the game put his name on the card and told him to buy a new car (because his last car was like him and wanted to shit money out like it was eating it for breakfast) but still!!! And every time he gets paid 3 days later he has no money because, oh I wanted to get you some really nice things for Christmas... okay well that is great and all can you get me one less bill to pay next year because that would be freaking awesome. but no... he is out of money has to use the joint account for gas and food and while again, it all goes back in there (even though he hasn't bothered to pay back the last gas or sushi we ate to the account) its just like WTF manage your money at least a little better... I love gifts, I don't love you being a broke ass. Stop worrying about what I got your for Christmas because I make more money then you so yes I will be able to get probably more then what you got me its not a big freaking deal get over it. 


Obviously I'm venting at this point... I am just so frustrated between Mike, my work Money, Curtis and the completely unforeseeable future. I really don't want to live in that apartment anymore it is SOOOO embarrassing, I wish we never moved in there to begin with. Sure the inside is great but the outside and neighbors are terrible. I really made a mistake picking this place out and i am so worried that when the lease is up we won't be able to move anywhere else because we won't have any money. At this rate we are never having a kid. I am certainly not going to be pregnant and walk a baby through hallways that smell like dog piss. 


again, venting and very frustrated. I kind of just want Christmas to be over with already so I can start saving money again. 

I'm a Married Woman Now

I'm married!


I am officially a married woman. The paper work says so. I finally feel like I belong somewhere with someone. No matter what happens in life, I will have someone by my side to support me. The priest said a specific passage from the bible and while I really don't consider myself a religious person I LOVE the verse and it could not better describe how I feel about Curtis:


But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
(Ruth 1:16-17 ESV)


I really do want to die where he dies and his people (Americans and his family) are now my people. 


I am sooo overjoyed almost every time I think about it I start getting emotional. Even now as I write this. I know part of it was all the stress finally going away, I have free time again... its kind of nuts... I don't really know what to do with myself and I can;t get the house together until we buy ore furniture so... I am in limbo right now... 


But I DON't CARE! I am married, I AM Mrs. Lemieux (well as soon as I get my name changed). But more importantly... I am a MRS. I have a husband! I can start sentences like... My husband and I went to the movies, My husband is so funny, My husband is the greatest husband on the face of the planet! 


I now know why people wear those I love my husband shirts... I know they are super tacky BUT I just want to shout it from the roof tops I have a husband! I belong! I love him!


I hope this feeling never leaves me. 


I am going to be the greatest wife I can be and one day the greatest mother I can be. 


I love my husband.

UGH!

Okay it is soooo getting down to the wire with the wedding. Less than two weeks and I still have so much to do. I still have to find shoes, go in for another fitting, get my make-up trial over with this Saturday This Friday go to the court house. Make 20 Pomander paper tissue balls for the church, go get laser hair removal, shave my legs at some point! (not to mention under arms). Buy more candy containers, buy lifts for the candy containers, go to ikea and make center pieces, finish unpacking the entire house BEFORE Curtis's mom gets here next Wednesday, figure out how to do Curtis's hair for the wedding. Make sure Dwayne will actually BE at the wedding and at the court house when the time comes. Go through a rehearsal at church this Sunday, with George being there and hopefully he will not embarrass the crap out of us. I still need to get freaking jewelry too.

Oh and gee what else, oh yeah continue working 40 hours a week, get on Curtis's ass to fix my mom's computer because god only knows he doesn't have a million things to do too. Oh and not to mention he needs to practice our vows in Hungarian because I can just see it now my mom busting out in laughter when he says something that is nothing more than gibberish... oh yeah speaking of vows I should finish those at some point! My veil is practically freaking beige instead of ivory so I might be forced to use this other ugly one I have and I don't have time (or money) to order another one off line right now. 

I just have so much going on I just want to stick my head in the sand. I wish I had friends or my mom to help me with this but my mom won't even get out of the house for herself let alone me. I can't take the supplies over to her place because all of the pomanders (if she would even agree to help me) would end up smelling like cigarettes. 

I want to go home and cry but I don't have time for that in 15 minutes I have to put on my especially happy face and get everything ready for yet another (we have like 4 every month) birthday celebration. 

All Moved In and 20 Days Until the Wedding

We are finally moved into our new apartment and away from our room mate. The latter of the two I  am actually happier about. The moving day was kind of nuts and as I expected a lot of people bailed out on us at the last minute but luckily we had a guy from my work volunteer to help and things went pretty smoothly. The new apartment has an elevator so taking things up wasn't nearly as hard taking things down the stairs at the old place. After we packed the two bedroom full of our crap (and believe me we have plenty of it) we went to bed and slept like logs. 


The next morning involved some donuts and then back to the old apartment to clean it up so we aren't charged. The cleaning took like 6 hours. And because I am ridiculously meticulous I scrubbed just about everything down. Curtis did a lot of trash runs and vacuumed the entire place among other things. After it was all said and done we still forgot to give them the gym key AND we ended up leaving a chocolate bar and gummie bears in one of the cabinets. Its my own fault for not doing a walk through of the whole place and checking all the cabinets. 


The new apartment is not what I expected it to be. I don't think anyone cleaned it and there were things that were obviously not painted and tended to. Plus apparently someone on our floor has a dog and lets them urinate in the hallway so I bet you can imagine the lovely smells that were happening. 


I only have another 20 days left until the wedding. I still need to go in tomorrow to try on my dress again and pray that it fits the way its supposed to. I haven't lost any weight recently, though I haven't gained back what I lost, and no matter how much I keep telling myself I will start going to the gym I keep just not doing, my excuse is still life is getting in the way. I am almost certain I will have fat arms in my dress which means I will have to be very careful about how I pose in the pictures so I can try and hide it. 


I still need shoes, centerpieces and I need to figure out if I can make the puff balls for the pews or should I try to learn how to make bows instead. I also wanted some disposable cameras but I'm not sure how well that will work out, financially speaking. 


Curtis is back in school and work are all swinging along. One of his co-workers just got a promotion to assistant manager and while that guy has been there for 5 years (which in and of itself is sad) Curtis is the one getting all the numbers and wasn't even told he could interview for the position. No one was told. The one guy just got the spot. Its been making me so mad I want to punch the guy in the face even though I guess its not his fault. I think people at Curtis' work are lying to him. I feel like they just keep stringing him along and no one cares that he is amazing at what he does, he is trying to start a family, he is in school to better himself (which is more than what I can say for Joe the other guy seeing as he lives at home with mommy and daddy and has no aspirations what-so-ever) and it seems like they don;t care about any of that. He goes in when you call him even though he wasn't scheduled he is a team player so WTF?!?!? I think its time for them to pay their damn dues. I feel so bad because I know its not his fault and he feels like crap because he keeps thinking he is doing something wrong. 


I've in general had it with that job. I can't wait for him to graduate so he can get a full time well paying job and give them the big F U. Oh and surprise all of a sudden the store drops dramatically in sales... hmmm I wonder what the x factor there would be. fuckers. In the mean time we both just have to suck it up for the next couple of months. Who knows maybe another position will open up... and MAYBE he will actually FREAKING GET IT THIS TIME. 

Stuff going on.

I'm not really sure what to even post about. I have complaints, but they are the same things I have been complaining about lately. We got the invitations, there was a mistake on them they sent new ones and they arrived yesterday. I have officially given out 4 invitations, probably only two people will actually show up for the wedding out of those four. Two were for my bosses and two were for co-workers. The bosses I imagine will not show up but hopefully they will get me something nice from my gift registry. And that sentence right there makes me feel kind of bad. 


I didn't invite everyone from work, nor can I afford to and I have three bosses all together but one of them (who was not invited) I just really don't want there to be a chance that he is actually at my wedding. The problem here comes in that I don't want it getting around the office I invited some people but not all people. I just mainly don't want to deal with any repercussions that might occur. 


I got my mom a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist. I hope she will actually go. She needs to get back on welbutrin for her depression and hopefully it will kick in in time for the wedding. Her and George living together right now is not the greatest thing in the world either. 


We are only a week and a half away from moving into our new place. We originally went with a floor plan that had the two rooms next to each other but then when we saw the apartment we were actually going to rent out I was very unimpressed. Luckily there was another floor plan (which was also slightly bigger) that was available so we decided to go with that one. The only bad thing really is that the sun sets on that side of the building so its probably going to warm up in the afternoon big time. Curtis is right when he says its like our first place together. Even though we have lived together for a year now with no room mate involved this time we get to enjoy ourselves being together and more importantly, ALONE together. Its safe to say that I will actually have the house to myself a couple hours out of the week and I cannot wait!


Work has been as hum-drum as ever... 


We found out a couple of days ago that we will have to pay for Curtis' mom's airplane ticket it we want to see her at the wedding... yeay.... So that is another $300 on top of the already mounting bills for the wedding that are coming in. 


hmmm... what else... I hate packing... and my weight has been stuck. 


OH! The dress. So my mom bought me a dress from China which looked great in the picture but when it arrived it looked NOTHING like what we ordered. We are talking sequence instead of beading  and the lace was not on symmetrically and a bunch of other just cheap looking crap. Well this left me more the just a little frustrated... (I was FUMING!) I grabbed the second dress I bought that is a size 10 called David's Bridal and asked if I could come in to see if they could adjust the dress and put a corset on the back etc. They said they have time right the and there and I rushed over. After I get there and they start pulling out the dress from the box they are like oh where did you get it, and I told them online, you mean david's bridal online? NO its not a david's bridal dress.... oh if its not we can't do anything with it... WTF?!?! could you have not told me this BEFORE I cam all the way over here? So I start looking up seamstresses on my phone and I find one and she is available (its around 6pm on a weekday and since I live in Florida everything is freaking closing) so we go in and she sees the dress and she said she will try I come back a week later and it looks like that WILL be my dress. I couldn't be happier to be honest because if I was a size 10 and got that dress I would have worn it in an instant. It is now there and they are making a bunch of adjustments to it and putting a corset on the back. It shows a little more cleavage then I would like it to but oh well! Sacrifices have to be made. 

Tons-o-updates

*clears throat*


WE GOT THE CHURCH!!!


So that is one less thing to worry about for the wedding! Now the problem we have run into however is that the pastor is not sure he will be able to make it on that Monday. Slight problem right... well we have two back up Hungarian pastors so it shouldn't be too big of a deal but the guy just seems so unsure of himself right now that its bugging the crap out of me. This Sunday I have to go to Church alone because Curtis has work and this should be the weekend that we decide who our pastor will be and I have made up my mind that even though he is unsure of himself the guy that is there every Sunday will be our pastor. 


In other good news we found a place to live! well move to or whatever  you want to call it. I am sooo excited. We went to go look at the place on Monday afternoon and judging by the outside of the building you would NEVER guess how nice it is on the inside! (see pictures below). I absolutely CANNOT wait to move (23 days and counting) now we don't definitely have the place just yet, we gave them our application and the money for the application and we should hear back in a week (which by the way is a SUPER long time!). But I don't see why we wouldn't get the apartment. Curtis and I both have great rental histories and no crimes of any sort in our past. My mom liked the place so much she said she would even co-sign if she had to. 


Dieting has not been going to well I am at a stand still with my weight which is mainly my own fault because I keep eating junk when I am not supposed to. The wedding dress will be here supposedly on the first and the invitations should be on their way pretty soon as well. Everything is coming together nicely. We had to use some of the wedding money for our soon to be move but those funds will be added back into the account when Curtis gets his school loans. It makes me very nervous because I haven't touched that money for anything other than to pay for wedding stuff. 


And now the pictures of what will soon (hopefully) will be our new place: