Not Feeling Very Jolly This Season

I don't know what its been about this Christmas but I'm not really my usual cheery self. I think part of it is because money is so tight and the other is because I ended up spending so much of it and a lot of the time I'm like oh well I could have bought this or that or the other and that stuff would have been more useful then what I actually got. 


I mean don't get me wrong I got some great deals and I was smart about coupons and sales and what not but I guess I just expected to have more money. I kept reaching into the joint account which while I always put the money back in its like just throwing more of my money away. I keep buy food I don't need to be eating (the expensive kind, or sweets that I really don't need). And its like if the money is not being thrown out one window its going out the other. 


We are going to have a lot more bills this next year and a whole lot less money coming in. The Christmas season is going to die down so Curtis will be getting less hours at work and this is his last semester in school so the loans won't be coming in either. I mean I know it will all work out and we will be okay its just stressing me out like crazy not knowing where exactly this money is going to be coming from. Gamestop sure as shit will not give him a promotion, especially since they are probably hiring this girl that is working there temporarily who used to be in the same position as Curtis. And Gamestop REALLY likes to make girls the assistant manager over guys (its the whole having boobs thing and dorky gamers liking them deal). 


Curtis got a supposed gig working in a theater that my co-workers wife is working on also only to find out that this guy never bought the rights to the play and it is a very likely chance Curtis won't be getting paid at all because the guy is a schmuck. I know he is going to be disappointed which mean I'm going to have to hear about it and tell him how I'm sorry and oh it'll be okay and blah blah blah blah... I think there is only so much empathy I can muster per year and I'm about run out at this point. 


On a whole nother topic, Curtis' mom is posting stupid crap like oh pray for my boyfriend he is going to court tomorrow... the guy is going to court because he got a DUI! uh... no... I don't think so no praying for him. I think more along the lines of praying for the other people out on the road with him. Then she has the nerve to say oh well its only his second offense and he will be fine and I don't like the tone you used... UGH! SECOND OFFENSE! Christ you think she would have learned after Curtis' dad... or her last husband... christ can she pick the winners or what... What a dumb ass. And in the mean time I am trying my best to keep my mouth shut and not say anything but at the same time I feel kind of responsible to be like, HEY you are making a mistake with this guy he has two DUIs he should be in jail! Stop being so afraid to be alone and get rid of him before you start making the same mistakes over and over and over and yeah hopefully you get my point. 


Oh and speaking of DUIs. My ex-boyfriend Mike and I are talking again. His girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him over the phone while he was down in Miami. Both of them were in a horrible state to begin with both doing tons of drugs getting kicked out of places getting caught this that the other no job, stealing, you name it. 


Well I guess life finally kicked him in the ass enough for him to get himself together because he is off all the drugs. Back in my college days when we dated he was just a stoner and he would do magic mushrooms and drop some acid here and there but that was about it. Well after we broke up it escalated for him to pills and coke and finally heroin. Like I said he is clean for now, still smoking if he goes out to see his friends (which is hard to do seeing as he has no license of car and live at home with his dad with no job. He is even trying to stop smoking cigarettes which is great but is still doing them from time to time. In case you are wondering about me, I stopped smoking pot pretty much after we broke up. I think that was part of my college days faze I was going through. 


He is just so sad now though that his girlfriend broke up with him. I mean she literally broke his heart and he feels so bad and not doing drugs and feeling like this is never useful to an addict. she also ended up getting back together with her ex on top of everything else... Mike and her had a horrible relationship though it was abusive in more ways than one on both their ends. I think she did the right thing breaking up with him I just wish she hadn't gone about it in such a cowardly way. He of course is in a bit of denial about how he never hurt her and how she never wanted it to work out to begin with. I wasn't there so I can't say one way or another but I think they both hurt each other, really is pretty obvious. 


I am just so worried about him. He had a really rough day yesterday and he finally got some meds for his anxiety and ADD and something else for the depression but I think the anti-depressants aren't really what is best for him. I just wish I could make him understand that the pain will go away eventually but it will take time. 


In the mean time trying to constantly console him and make sure he is okay and not going back to drugs and not wanting to kill himself is literally exhausting me. I'm his friend though and I would feel horrible if I just stopped being there. Lately though it just doesn't seem like he wants to help himself at all. He needs to take his GED test but the first one that is available won't be until January 15th (or so he tells me) which will be too late for him to sign up for classes in the Spring for college. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers and that he barely wants to help himself and if that is the case it won;t matter what I do. I just wish he could see how lucky he is to have so many people trying to support him. Though some of his friends keep inviting him over to smoke out and one wanted him to get a bunch of acid for him and its just like UGH! come on guys he is trying to do better stop exposing him to all this stuff. 


I've been spending a lot of my time after work with him, usually when Curtis isn't home which can be fun but mainly is just frustrating because he was doing so well at first and then poof now he just can't seem to get out of the bed. he stays up till like 4-5am and then doesn't wake up till 2-4pm in the afternoon. He says he has a lot of trouble getting to sleep which i can understand and he has always had trouble waking up in the morning but comeon, at some point you need to break the cycle. 


Again, another topic. I finally went in to get my stomach looked at to see if I have a hernia, I got the scans but seeing as I am no doctor I couldn't exactly read them. So until my next appointment with my doctor I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just hope one, its not cancer, two its nothing that will get in the way of me having kids, and three its not going to cost us an arm and a leg to get fixed. 


Money is jsut vanishing left and right. I bough Curtis a game I knew he wanted which I thought he had changed the order to not get the special edition version which was another $111 on top of the 25 he already put down only to find out... no he still has the special edition on pre-order so I would have felt bad just getting him the normal game so I bought the stupid freaking game for him.. *sigh* only to then find out that his game is like WoW and you have to ALSO pay a monthly fee to play the damn thing... UGH! its not bad enough he has a new phone (that I got him) to pay for, a new car which he has a monthly payment to make on (which we used all of the wedding money for), anther credit card which I got and put his name on that he charged what was left on his old credit so the interest wouldn't hit, AND a number of medical bills he hasn't paid, and soon school loans, but now a FREAKING GAME!!! UGH!!!! You know, I don't buy myself expensive things or things that are going to take forever to pay off, I don't buy things that have a monthly cost to them, I don't get my nails done my toes done or even my freaking hair done anymore and we live in a shit hole with shitty neighbors that I am embarrassed to have people I know over but he is just spending money like its nothing!!! I know that is probably a little selfish and after all I am the one that got him the game put his name on the card and told him to buy a new car (because his last car was like him and wanted to shit money out like it was eating it for breakfast) but still!!! And every time he gets paid 3 days later he has no money because, oh I wanted to get you some really nice things for Christmas... okay well that is great and all can you get me one less bill to pay next year because that would be freaking awesome. but no... he is out of money has to use the joint account for gas and food and while again, it all goes back in there (even though he hasn't bothered to pay back the last gas or sushi we ate to the account) its just like WTF manage your money at least a little better... I love gifts, I don't love you being a broke ass. Stop worrying about what I got your for Christmas because I make more money then you so yes I will be able to get probably more then what you got me its not a big freaking deal get over it. 


Obviously I'm venting at this point... I am just so frustrated between Mike, my work Money, Curtis and the completely unforeseeable future. I really don't want to live in that apartment anymore it is SOOOO embarrassing, I wish we never moved in there to begin with. Sure the inside is great but the outside and neighbors are terrible. I really made a mistake picking this place out and i am so worried that when the lease is up we won't be able to move anywhere else because we won't have any money. At this rate we are never having a kid. I am certainly not going to be pregnant and walk a baby through hallways that smell like dog piss. 


again, venting and very frustrated. I kind of just want Christmas to be over with already so I can start saving money again. 

Lost it Last Night

So last night I kind of lost it, BIG TIME! As soon as I got home Curtis was leaving to go to work (not uncommon) we kiss and say our goodbyes and 2 minutes later he walks back into the house. His car battery just died... so my brain goes in two directions, oh good god we just spend almost $1500 last month fixing the car what could it possibly be now and the other one was okay I have to take him to work because he is already running late. Well the take him to work part of my brain took over and I grabbed everything and dropped him off. Everything was honky-dorey. So I am driving back home not really thinking about the car just that, boo, I will have to go out again at 9:30 to pick him up and I am no longer in any kind of a mood to cook. Luckily I had half a wrap and some chili left over from lunch so Curtis would have something to eat when he comes home.

So I go and pick Curtis up from work (in the mean time I made brownies but they didn't turn out all that tasty). So I'm waiting, still keeping in mind that the car is dead but its just not really hitting me yet. We drive home and as soon as we pull up next to his car and I realize that instead of going upstairs I have to be down here giving his car a jump hoping and praying that it will start.  <--- Right around there is where I start losing it.

My brain then decides to go into overdrive again with money issues. Like how Curtis never has a set amount of hours at work so we never have a set amount of money coming in each week, how his job, after school is over, is going to be just like that, him working on one project then another, and in the mean time me praying that we have enough money between projects to pay for all the bills. My brain then jumps over to holy crap I don't want to raise kids who are going to end up hearing about me always worried if the next dollar is coming in because dad can't get a gig right now or will he be able to find part time work in the mean time. Then it goes to since Curtis and I have met nothing involving money has been stable, there is always something new popping up. After that all I could think about is how fate/god/whatever doesn't want me to marry Curtis and that's why things keep popping up, so we will never have enough money for a wedding.

So as all this is going on Curtis is jumping the car I refuse to open my car door to listen to him and I all together just don't want to listen, see or have anything to do with him. I throw a tantrum for pretty much the rest of the night. I refuse to tell him what is wrong but I do tell him hits nothing he did. I tell him to go upstairs and eat dinner and I sit in my car just crying a little. I feel like the only stability we are ever going to have is going to come from me and that I have to work even harder to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Its just getting so tiresome for me, I should be able to count on him for some kind of stability in the future.

I do finally tell him that I don't think we have any stability in the relationship and that I am worried we never have and never will. I know its not like he can snap his fingers and make everything better but I just kept thinking to myself life shouldn't be this hard ALL the time. I'm 26 years old and I have what feels like no stability in my life, just chaos.

I end up going to bed upset and he and I talk a little bit more but not much really, I ask him not to touch me because I am warm (which was only half true). I always try and think of something positive even if things seem like they are never going to rise up out of the gutter. So I think really hard to myself if I can just think of one stable thing that is there since we started dating it wouldn't all be that bad. So I think and it hits me that really the only thing there is is the love we have for one another, I know its never faltered on my end and I am pretty sure it never has on his either since the day we met. I am trying to hold on to that little bit of stability but its hard. I think he is crying but I'm too tired to deal with it and I just keep trying to fall asleep.

I wake up around 6am-ish (a normal thing for me) turn to him and cuddle him for a while. My brain has finally stopped going into over drive. I tell him I love him he says it back and I turn around and get a little bit more sleep before I have to be up at 7:30am and start getting ready for work.

By the time both of us are up last night is in the past and I have moved on, I am just hoping he did the same too.