About to Break Down

I am very close to losing it. I want to break down and cry right about now and I know I have no time for things like that.

We had the receptionist who had my position in 2007 in the office today and its making me very nervous. I was trying to get information out of people as to why she was in talking to the two headed bosses with the door closed but I didn't get much out of anyone. One of the bosses said she was here looking for a job or for a possible reference but he said that as we grow we will probably need someone more specialized as an admin and he is not really sure she would be the person for that. This made me feel a little bit better but still I can't shake the feeling that my job is in jeopardy. I have always been overly paranoid about things like this and I know that's partially just my own brain over thinking/worrying but the "what if" monster is lurking in my head like no ones business.

I have an interview tomorrow for a behavioral tech overight position. The hours are Fri-Sun 11pm till 7am which means in a way I will be killing myself if I don't nap at the appropriate times. I still think I can do it though! I really want the job. The pay is only 9.75 an hour but it could be paying 8 and I would gladly take it. Its finally a job that is in my field. I want this job so much and if it ends up being like the situation at PAR when I interviewed there I know I will end up being devastated.

If I do get the job it means I will not be able to work at the sushi restuarant on Fridays and I will only be able to work on Saturdays till 10pm at the latest. I don't want to let them down and I really hope they understand that this is the job I have been waiting for so I can get my foot in the door. If I can later convince the behvioral place to hire me on full time that would be the ideal situation.

Another concern is that the receptionist job that I am at now the benefits and pay are so freaking good that I don't want to lose that or the job (obviously) prior to getting pregnant and having kids. I think with any other insurance company ti would just end up costing WAY too much and that would just be more money I have to save in the long run.

I am again counting my eggs before they are hatched as far as even getting the job. I have to pass the first step tomorrow which is the interview.

God I hope this works out, I am so ready to start my career in the field of psychology!

Can I cry now? nope, sorry, too busy have to get more work done.*sigh*

No Good News to Report

This has been a stressful week. Not so much in the work load but the lack there of. Curtis got only 8 hours of work this week from gamestop one day of which he called in but then was given another 4 hour shift for Saturday thank goodness. I think the have to at least give him 8 hours though otherwise they won't be able to take the health insurance out of his pay check. And really an 8 hour week will pay just that... his health insurance. Gas is going up like crazy which is nothing new but definitely not helpful right now. We had to dish out another $100 to fix the oil leaks on Curtis' car and I just keep thinking that if I just get rid of my car and buy a junker I could save myself a 300 a month payment. But then again how much am I going to have to pay on the new car if it breaks down and will I even have any money to fix said problems. 

The head sushi chef's son doesn't appear to be going to the Navy any time soon like he said he would so Curtis won't be getting those hours and I guess Curtis misunderstood and he is still not going to be getting tips this week. *sigh*

I'm trying to stay positive and encourage him and tell him everything is going to be okay but if he doesn't get his ass up soon and realize hey your old company is dicking you over so maybe you should look for another job so we are not in the poor house and I won't have to get a third job just so we have food on the table I don't know what I am going to do. I keep sending him possible job opportunities but then I have to remind him at least twice before he applies to the freaking job. I don't think he gets that with craigslist its a first come first serve basis. 

Ugh. I know in his heart he is doing what he thinks is right and he likes working there and wants to be there for this company but I am starting to get anxious again and with the amount of meds I am on that shouldn't really be happening. 

On top of all that I have to write that stupid paper on Thailand and turn in a bunch more writing for the sociology class all by the 22nd of this month. ... I REALLY don't feel like doing this. But I don't really have a choice in the matter.
 

*facepalm*

The above two pictures are by far and large an excellent example of how I feel right now. So Curtis ended up getting more hours this week at job 1 (GameStop) only to find out that nest week he is only working an aazing 8 hours, the ENTIRE week. Its things like this that drive me freaking nuts, I mean just keep your same freaking hours and quit swapping it around every week. That's what I would like to tell him manager but of course I am in no position to do so and it would just end up landing him in trouble.

8 hours... at $9 an hour and poof - 72 dollars for the whole week. *sigh* At least I haven't had to touch any of my wedding money and He may have this Sunday off if they don't call him in, which will be the first Sunday he has off in a VERY long time. We may end up going to the Renaissance Festival but we'll see. I need to find out how much tickets are going to cost and all. *sigh*

Deep breaths... its going to be like this for the next 6 months... *twitch*

Workey work work of workdom

So today is officially my third day of working 8:30am - 10pm/11pm. I am definitely tired and my muscles are starting to ache a little but all in all not too bad. Both Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat quiet. We had a small steady stream of customers. Of course I messed up here and there but nothing too big. And more importantly nothing involving money. They expect today to be slow as well since it St. Pattys day and well a sushi restuarant is not really the end all and be all when it comes to green... well green anything except for the tea maybe.

The restuarant, is saw last night, has decided to make a new sushi roll called the Tsunami roll and all of the proceeds will be going to help the people in Japan. I thought this was a great idea and I wish there was something more I could do other than just give them money but I guess every little bit helps.

Job 1 so far has been even more of a bore this week because everyone is at the health conference so there is a max of 4 people in the office. I actually did a test with a sewing pin dropped it on my desk and asked the lady who I work with if she could hear that and she said yes, so it has been proven you can hear a pin drop in this office, its THAT quiet.

While I am not too exhausted at the moment I did end up taking a nap in my car both Monday and Tuesday. I am thinking about taking another nap today but we'll see.

Today is also my third day in a row wearing a white button up shirt and after the first day I have managed to get them all stained up *knocks on wood in hopes I don't get crap all over this shirt before work*.

Tomorrow Curtis and I work together (though we won't be speaking to each other). His teeth are still bugging him which has me worried. he goes to the dentist on the 29th again so hopefully they will take a look and tell him everything is okay. He finds out about his bio exam today too and I am keeping my fingers crossed he did well. He studied so damn hard for the thing I am just hoping it proves to him the hard work will pay off. Plus all in all I just don't want to see him upset.

Looking Forward to Job 2

 

(Okay so this picture is SO super cute! It totally reminds me of me and Curtis. Though i haven't seen the anime Maid-sama I still really like this picture)

 
I find it slightly odd that I am about to leave job 1 and head to job 2 and I am actually looking forward to it. I mean I know its going to be a long night, I know I am still going to be nervous, I will undoubtedly be exhausted, and I know I will at one point or another screw up. But in a way I find it... I don't know if exciting is the right word, just, glad I guess that I am with people that talk to me and take an interest in seeing me do well. I don't know if I have mentioned this or not (I probably have) but there is hardly ever anyone from job 1 that talks to me and we have close to 30 people in the office. I try and start conversations but they die pretty quickly and I just feel awkward in the end for even opening my mouth. So maybe that's why I am looking forward to tonight.

Or who knows maybe I am just crazy.

We'll see if I still feel like this after the 3rd day in a row I do this, really I will be going straight from one job to the next for the rest of the week... sheesh!

I Won the Office Wet T-shirt Contest!

So of course today I have to wear my white button down top to work so I can go straight from job 1 to job 2 and what do you know! Not even 10:30am and I managed to get pen on my boobs without so much as taking down a message. I grabbed breakfast from down stairs and signed my name so I am guessing this is where the trouble started. Luckily one of the girls in the office knew that Windex WITH ammonia would get out the stain. She even had a handy towel around so I can scrub my boob (the shirt on top of it I mean) till most of the pen stain was out. Now I am walking around the office and it looks like my boob sprang a leak. Hopefully it dries soon but until then I am the all time winner of the wet t-shirt contest AND the how fast can I ruin a perfectly nice shirt contest.

Blonde Hair Blue-eyed American Sushi Chef?!?!

 
So while washing dishes at the Sushi restaurant it occurred to me that the last time Curtis and I ate there Mike had mentioned needing another sushi chef and how he needs someone smart and does Curtis know anyone like that. Half hinting basically if Curtis wanted the job. At the time it was out of the question, Gamestop was giving Curtis plenty of hours and the sushi chef spot only paid minimum wage.

Well lately GameStop has only been giving Curtis between 16-20 hours a week which is bringing in all of about $200 dollars a paycheck which is barely enough for him to survive off of. It was okay before but since he now has a credit card he has to pay off for the dental stuff and one last months worth of rent to pay, the bills are kind of piling up big time. Not to mention that their store is about to go through being remodeled. This means that the two stores that are in the mall are going to become one and all the employees (or at least most) are going to get separated and distributed among the rest of the stores in the area. That ultimately means that Curtis is probably going to get even less hours than he is getting now. Plus with the store being closed for the remodel that means less hours again. Apparently there will be at least one week where he will be working 40 hours which is awesome (thought he is going to go nuts with school going on at the same time).

SO! with all that going on and my brain on fire because I really hate the thought of not having a steady income I spoke to Iako (Mike's wife) who works in the back with me as a cook and asked her if the position was still open. She has a hard time understanding English so I was hoping my point went through. She said she would talk to Mike about it and a little later in the night she told me that Curtis would have to quit GameStop if he wanted the position.

Now THAT is the hard part. Curtis is getting health insurance through that job and is making more than minimum wage which is what he would be paid starting out as the Sushi chef. Not to mention Curtis all around likes working there (but mainly when the numbers are good). So... here comes me and my trying to convince him. Yes he would lose the insurance if he quits the job however once he and I are married he will be going on my health insurance anyways so its not going to matter. He is getting most of his dental work done now so that part is already used up. His inhaler doesn't cost that much and he can get another one before the insurance runs out. Now comes the money part. If he does only make 7.50 an hour as a sushi chef he should still be getting tips, this means that as long as he works an 8 hour shift he only has to make 12 dollars in tips that night to make it round up to him making 9 an hour. Not to mention the tips would be tax free.

Well after explaining all that to Curtis he still doesn't want to let go of GameStop (ugh!) but he has some good reasons behind it. First off as the sushi chef Curtis will only be working part time with Mike on certain days. So that may end up as even less money then he is making now. Mike's Sushi is also closed on Mondays which means he could at least work at GameStop on that day.

Now all of this will be easy in the summer time when Curtis is out of school my big concern will be what is going to happen to his classes and his grades once he starts the Fall semester back up again with this many hours.

Mike also said something to me while I was putting dishes away, he said Curtis keeps his promise and I keep my promise. I'm not exactly sure what that means but Curtis will be talking to Mike this week Wednesday. Curtis did actually talk to him some over the weekend while a bunch of us at the restaurant were out at another sushi bar (one that serves sushi till 3am!) The problem was Mike was a little intoxicated at that point and I was hanging out with our group so I wasn't aware of much of the conversation. Mike did however offer to buy me a drink and to put my tab on his card which I greatly appreciated. Curtis got a bottle of Sake which was actually quite good and I got my usual Jagger bomb. I had to start order Curtis food because he was gone VERY quickly. Mike ended up leaving and kissed the three girls there on the cheek (one being his daughter and one being me). We ended the night with a drink called an oatmeal cookie which really did taste like an oatmeal cookie but boy did it have a kick after wards.

Curtis and I went home and both of us were pretty happy but very tired. I can't quite remember if it was that night or the day before that he said something to me along the lines of Mike's is going to have a blond hair blue eyed sushi chef, that's funny. And I think if this does work out its going to be freaking awesome.

Work Unpleasantires.

Okay so I know I shouldn't be upset by this but no one and I mean NO ONE noticed my ring at work. Now the two girls I talk to the most were both out today and I mainly work with men so I guess its understandable. But Curtis sent me flowers and again, no one said anything. It really does feel like I don't exist there. It just makes me sad. I know its not like I go out of my way to say things to others either but just one nice compliment today about my ring or my flowers would have really helped out. I don't know why I feel so down.

I am grateful for Curtis and the wonderful valentines day weekend we had together but I really wish I had someone to talk to about all this. Someone to share my joy with. I thought through this weekend my anxiety was getting better but now its just coming back again. No word from either of Justin's doctors. I want this feeling to go away.

I have so much to do all this week.
Monday Curtis is working till11-midnight so I won't see him.
Tomorrow I have a court hearing for a friend's custody battle and then straight to work and Curtis works till 9:30 so I won't really see him then.
Wednesday I have an interview right after work Curtis has class till 9-9:30.
Thursday I have normal work hours and Curtis works till 9:30
Friday I am taking the day off (thank god) but have a dentist appointment at 8:15am, we get to spend the rest of the day together but he will be practicing bass guitar and then we are off to DOA so I can see him preform for the first time.
Saturday finishing up DOA he then goes to work till 9:30pm
Sunday without a doubt he is working 12-6:30 Monday back to work as usual.
Tuesday he goes to the dentist then school then possibly work...

I want a break.

I want some friends.

I have so much I know that but I guess this is me being greedy.

Good News - Dentist!

YEAY!!!

So I got off the phone with our dentist after having a long and rather embarrassing talk about how we can pay almost all of the bill up front except for about $320. We have to pay the full $6,767 up front two weeks prior to him receiving the oral care because they are going to sedate him. Now we have scrounged up just about every penny we can muster, including both of our tax returns and we are both selling things on ebay to make up for the last little bit. I have someone who is buying some of my clothes on top of it all. So we are TRYING!

So the lady on the phone said it was okay if we pay the large amount and the last little bit the day of the surgery, so I as SUPER relieved. But THEN! I got a phone call from them and she said she would waive the cost of the sedation!!! I almost jumped through the phone and hugged her. The sedation fee is only $235 but its something! a BIG something! She also told me that Curtis' insurance runs out February 28th, so I don't know what all that is about but I don't want to bug Curtis just right now about it to see what is going on because he has so much on his plate with work and school, especially school.

In the mean time my doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I keep trying to find part time work for Curtis and myself, on top of the jobs we already have. No such luck yet but still this bit of news totally brightened my day!

Debt and Anxiety

This seems to keep happening to me at least once a week...

I sit down and start counting my nickles and dimes (okay mainly pennies) and it just doesn't add up. I have to pay off my two credit cards before Curtis no longer gets loans from school in which case he will have no way to pay for rent, I have to try and save $4,000-$5,000 for a wedding I would like to have sometime this year, and I need another $10,000 to fix curtis' teeth.

Now the credit cards aren't be cause I am some irresponsible slob, I owe about $9,500 total, one card was used to pay for things during my time in college and the other help pay for my gastric bypass. I have been paying slightly over the minimum on each since I have gotten the cards but stupid me keeps buying things here and there like gas for the car or a pizza. I think I am going to have to take the plunge and cut up both of the cards. Now if I continue making the same payments as I am now I will have both cards paid off in about 5 or so years... that is not in time before Curtis runs out of money. I am currently paying $160 a month on one card and $130 on another if I can reduce my monthly bill by 300 bucks I think I would be able to carry a small apartment for the both of us if Curtis can't find a full time job right away.

We are moving out of the apartments we are in at the beginning of October so yes we are WAYS off from that but I also know that Curtis has the rent paid up until that time.

So the goal is to find an apartment that can fit all of Curtis's stuff and my clothes and is in a somewhat decent neighborhood not too far away from his school or work (I work in Tampa so it doesn't much matter) all for around $650 bucks... Now I know I can get an apartment for that amount. I know I can get an apartment for that amount and have it be a good size, I am NOT sure if I can find an apartment (or house but that is pushing it) for that amount that size and in a good neighborhood. I know no matter what the apartments will not be as nice as the ones we are in now but I do NOT want to live in the ghetto. I don't want to live there because 1) its the ghetto and 2) I know I will just want to move again in a year which I really want to stop doing. (I moved almost every year since I've come down to Florida and I have been here since the 3rd grade).

Now the wedding is partially paid for, we have about $2,000 saved up, or we will by the end of this month. I applied to a telemarketing part-time position (YUCK) but I haven't heard back from them as of yet. So we will see if that pans out at all.

As far as Curtis' teeth go I think he will have to end up going to a dental school and have it done little by little because I just don't think I can handle getting into even more debt at this point.

If I could just get rid of my car too that would help. I have a 2010 Toyota Yaris that I am paying $280 a month on and another $172 for insurance.

There has got to be a way to do this I just need to figure it out. Until then my anxiety levels have been sky rocketing. I am not as sweet to  Curtis who doesn't deserve me being like that and I just overall feel depressed. Now this mood comes and goes but I am tired of it popping up almost once a week to two weeks. I just need to figure out how to make more money and make it VERY quickly. Or at least within the next few month.

Selling Clothes , Transformers, and dealing with Taxes

So the girl who is banging my ex-fiance and is married but in an open marriage came over tonight to go through my closet and see if she wanted to buy any clothes. Granted I did invite her over myself so I shouldn't be too upset but the whole things still felt weird to me. I don't know if she knows that I know about her and Geoff's relationship or not, but whatever. I sold all the clothes at a very low and reasonable price. She only gave me $30 and still owes me another $125 but I know where she lives so I am not too worried about it.

My sales on eBay are doing great I am jut worried because now I can't seem to find the paper with the code on it for the amazon gift card. Curtis is at GameStop working right now so I don't want to bug him. He has been selling Transformers online right now and so far he has sold 3 but all for a very good price. I bought another ring set off of EBay which I am going to see if I can pawn for more then what I paid for it and see if I can sell Geoff's ring while I am at it.

In a strange way I wonder if Geoff is actually who is going to be paying for the clothes and he is just having Nici pick them up, but to be honest I don't think Nici is all that clever. 

No matter what we have a way of income headed towards us.

 I did my taxes today too and oh my god that turned out terrible. I thought I was going to get a ton of money back but it ended up that I only got back $520 bucks. Thank god Curtis got back over $2,000 which is all going towards the wedding which at the rate we are going is actually going to be paid for. I just need to make sure I can keep up the selling and saving and everything else.

Tonight we are supposed to be going to party, I'm not really in the mood but its free and it means we get to go out without spending a bunch of cash. I just want to sleep and not really deal with things but I know right now its not an option.

I just hope we can keep rolling the money in like we have been.