Wellbutrin - Day 1

I visited my therapist yesterday and broke the news to her that I took myself off of the prozac because I started to feel really lethargic and it was making it so I got nothing done around the house or work or anywhere.

We talked for a little bit and after some convincing she decided we should try Wellbutrin because it helped me when I was depressed in the past. It does nothing for anxiety but I still have the xanax in case of emergency. On the plus side its supposed to help me lose weight (yeah right) and is supposed to help me focus better.

Today was my first day on it and for the next three days I am only taking 150mg and after that I bump it up to 300mg.

When I went to the pharmacy they said my insurance company had a little issue with me taking that pill because it is expensive on their end I guess (even though I get the generic) so the pharmacy has to contact my doctor who has to contact my insurance company to explain/convince them I need to take that medicine in particular. If she cannot convince them I will end up not being able to pick up the prescription because we won't be able to afford it.

 

Bye Bye Prozac

So a couple of days ago I decided to take myself off of Prozac. Why? Because while I hate feeling jittery and anxious it makes me feel a lot better then being depressed. I noticed that I had started to become incredibly lethargic. I mean I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I just wanted to sleep I wasn't interested in anything and all together just felt like poo.

I am now practically bouncing around by my cubicle, still not getting any actual work done (which will eventually come and bite me in the rear) but I feel better and as far as my personal life is concerned (the wedding) I am being far more productive. So much so I found two dresses I actually sorta like but am still hoping to find something better.

One of my coworkers even offered to come with me to a bridal show on Sunday if Curtis couldn't make it because of work. 

Speaking of work they just called me to tell me I won't need to come in today. It kind of sucks though cause it means less money in the wedding fund which has me a little worried. We have soooo close to $2,000 saved and that means just another $2,000 to go to have a nice small wedding.

I am kind of nervous as to what my therapist has to say about e taking myself off the Prozac but oh well I rather feel jittery then depressed any day. I am also currently not on birth control just because I haven't went and picked up my prescription yet and in a way it feels kind of nice to not have to pop a pill every day.
 

Anxiety/Prozac/Teeth/Apartment Hunting Update

So its about day 4 on Prozac for me and I haven't really noticed a whole lot of difference other then shear exhaustion.

On Friday I did my normal 8 hour work day and went straight to the sushi restaurant to wash dishes till 10:30pm. Came home pretty tired but the girl I work with at the Sushi restaurant (Kate) had been feeling really down so I invited her over. We had a few shots of rum (I only had about 3) and we ended up staying up till 4:30 am. At some point along that time we made a trip to Wal-Mart and picked up a couple of steaks which tasted quite bad actually and cooked those up on the stove with some mushrooms. Kate's cooking was good just the quality of the meat was bad. Curtis at that point was asleep on the couch so I put him to bed. Kate and I stayed up talking for a bit before she left.

Kate being silly:

The next morning I was tired but slept in some. I can't really remember what all we did that day but I know Curtis had work and so did I at 6pm again washing dishes. I was really exhausted that day too. I went to work and just kind of felt awful. I hurt my back lifting dishes and I had to ask for some motrin and I left my Xanax in my other purse which did not help seeing as my anxiety was flaring up. It seems like on top of making me exhausted the 10 mg last till a little after 8pm and that's it. They sent me home at 10:15 which was normal.

When I got home I just laid on the bed and Curtis being Curtis of course rubbed my back to make it feel better while I was half unconscious after taking a Xanax as soon as I got home. Well my back felt better after a little rubbing and I went to wash the stink of the kitchen off of me. I got out of the shower wrapped my hair up in a towel along with my body and it felt really cold because the fans were blowing (we live in Florida so its already getting to be 80 degrees in the house) so I crawled underneath the quilt on my bed to curl up just for a minute and before I knew it I was OUT, literally like a light. I mean someone flipped the switch and I was dead to the world. I know I pretty much was out like that because when I woke up it was at like god knows what early AM I had taken up the middle of the bed and Curtis was sleeping on my side of the bed half curled up. I was shocked I had just passed out like that. I unwrapped my still damp hair threw both the towels on the floor made Curtis switch spots so we were in our normal positions and just fell right back to sleep. Curtis told me the next day that he was gently shaking me trying to make me get up but that I didn't even respond. Now THAT NEVER happens. If someone so much as touches me for the most part I wake up startled. If Curtis is moving around the bed too much I tend to wake up.

Sunday rolled around took my normal Prozac in the morning and spent the day with Curtis for the most part since he didn't have to work, and neither did I. But again, all day long I was soooo exhausted! It didn't help come Monday I was still just as tired.

So last night we switched it up and I took the Prozac (still only 10 mg) last night. I was still a little tired this morning but not nearly as bad as yesterday however I am feeling a few small waves of anxiety coming around. I am trying to avoid taking a Xanax today if possible, I really don't want to end up getting hooked or something. In a couple of days my dosage will be up to 20 mg so it will hopefully last all day and not make me completely exhausted either. As far as moods go nothing seems to have changed at all really.

On a whole different note, only one week till Curtis sees the dentist! wooo!

On yet another different note:
It looks like our jerk roommate Charlie is going to move in together with his girlfriend and two other friends once the lease is up and I am now thinking about trying to convince them to move into the apartments we are in now so that way Curtis and I can just move out into our own place. A couple of problems arise with that though. One will the apartment complex let us sign our names off the lease and allow the other guys to put their names on it. Two Curtis and I will have to have some money saved up so we can pay the deposit/security/turn the electric on etc. And I REALLY don't want to have to use my damn wedding money for it. Third we need to find a place NOT in the ghetto for around 650-700 dollars that has a washer dryer hook up and is close enough for his work, my work, and his school. He really doesn't like driving long ways which is part of the problem. Oh and of course in the mean time we would have to find time to pack with both of us working and him going to school. So yeah... not sure how great that would work out. What I would really like is to find a house that we could rent but I know that is REALLY stretching it. First and foremost I have to see if the room mate will even go with the idea.

Babies, Therapists, Teeth, Interview (but not in that order)

I GOT TO HOLD A BABY TODAY! She was all of about 2-3 HOURS old! Why I am I going nuts and writings that in caps? Because it is the first time I have ever held a baby in my life. It was too strange! My hand were like twice the size of her head (my hand laid out flat I mean). She was just wriggling in my arms and being super cute. We got a text yesterday from Dwayne saying Rene went into labor at about 7 am. Now this is a surprise because the baby wasn't due until the beginning of March. Poor Rene was in Labor for 20 hours! Well our job was to watch her two other boys (ages 14, 6) over night which was very interesting because I have never met either of the two boys and I while I had met Dwayne once I have never met Rene or been to their house. But hey they are Curtis' long time friends and even though Curtis and Rene had an affair while she was married to Dwayne (and yes Dwayne knows about it because they then had a 3-some) I know Curtis said we would be there if they needed us. Oh and of course I got a picture of me and the baby along with a picture of Curtis and the Baby:

 

(He looks very natural holding her, I think.)

I am WAY tired today at work because the youngest son was sleeping in the same bed as us and the light was on in the room ALL night which meant little to no sleep for the both of us.

I had an interview yesterday for a weekend receptionist position at Brandon Ford and it would have been absolutely perfect for me. The lady that was supposed to interview me though had to leave early that day because she got sick and no one told me so I just filled out the usual papers and handed them in. The girl told me a little about the job and it all sounded good and she said she would have Susanna (the sick lady) call me back for a second interview but I have yet to hear anything. :( I think part of the reason is because of how much I make at this job and they might think I will expect the same amount. But who knows maybe she is still just sick and hasn't had time.

As far as other jobs go I will be washing dishes at Mike's Sushi this Saturday from 6pm-till close for a whopping 7.50 an hour. Its not much but now that Curtis' dentist appointment is rolling up on us I can finally start putting money away for the wedding.

Curtis' first appointment with the dentist is on the 22nd where he will get a cleaning and 3 fillings I am not going to be there so I hope he is okay. I will be paying them Friday (tomorrow) $6,532 with money and credit card. I think I might cry a little when I hand the money over. Then he goes in the 8th of March to get the major work done which I have to take a day off of work from.

I have a meeting with a therapist (the one Justin recommended) on the 24th, now this will be the actual MD that can prescribe me something for my anxiety (Curtis and I had a fight last night again about money right before we went to take care of the kids). I really do hope the doctor gives me something. I didn't actually get to go with the one Justin went to because he doesn't take Aetna Insurance but if recommended I will be going to his counseling therapist. Again, I am worried about my meeting. It also hasn't been approved at work for the time off for the teeth and this. I am worried I am taking too much time off of work too soon. Hopefully my boss is just busy which is why he hasn't replied back to me.

Not sure if we are spending another night with the kids or not. I guess I should ask.

Work Unpleasantires.

Okay so I know I shouldn't be upset by this but no one and I mean NO ONE noticed my ring at work. Now the two girls I talk to the most were both out today and I mainly work with men so I guess its understandable. But Curtis sent me flowers and again, no one said anything. It really does feel like I don't exist there. It just makes me sad. I know its not like I go out of my way to say things to others either but just one nice compliment today about my ring or my flowers would have really helped out. I don't know why I feel so down.

I am grateful for Curtis and the wonderful valentines day weekend we had together but I really wish I had someone to talk to about all this. Someone to share my joy with. I thought through this weekend my anxiety was getting better but now its just coming back again. No word from either of Justin's doctors. I want this feeling to go away.

I have so much to do all this week.
Monday Curtis is working till11-midnight so I won't see him.
Tomorrow I have a court hearing for a friend's custody battle and then straight to work and Curtis works till 9:30 so I won't really see him then.
Wednesday I have an interview right after work Curtis has class till 9-9:30.
Thursday I have normal work hours and Curtis works till 9:30
Friday I am taking the day off (thank god) but have a dentist appointment at 8:15am, we get to spend the rest of the day together but he will be practicing bass guitar and then we are off to DOA so I can see him preform for the first time.
Saturday finishing up DOA he then goes to work till 9:30pm
Sunday without a doubt he is working 12-6:30 Monday back to work as usual.
Tuesday he goes to the dentist then school then possibly work...

I want a break.

I want some friends.

I have so much I know that but I guess this is me being greedy.

Therapy Session = Bad First Date

Yesterday at 7pm I went in for my first counseling session with a therapist. And lets just say that went TERRIBLY! The guy was nice enough by all means just completely useless as far as my anxiety is concerned. I didn't want to get into my past but I did a little. He asked me some general questions, took some notes, and tried to make me feel comfortable. It just ended up feeling like a bad first date where there was not connection made. He said that I should concentrate on my breathing when the anxiety starts up, breathing from my diaphragm and not my chest and sssslllllllloooooowwwwllllyyy letting it out... I could have looked this up on WebMD! not to mention I was already taking deep breaths when I can, I say when I can because sometimes it gets so bad I can't even catch a full breath.

 His other suggestion to me was to tense a muscle group for a while and then release it and this should help with muscle tone as well as the anxiety... not a terrible suggestion, again one I was already aware of, but if I am tense throughout most of my body to begin with I again don't think that will be too helpful.

And that was it. That is all he suggested for me...

No medication no nothing. On top of it all he also said that he doesn't think he will be seeing me again. Uh... WHAT?!?! He said I have very realistic reasons for having the anxiety I have and I am doing everything in my power to resolve them. I should focus on the fact I have someone wonderful in my life and try to focus on something else when my mind starts to spin about finances. Again, not bad advice just not particularly helpful either.

I just felt at the end of the session that it was just such a waste of my time.

I talked to Justin a little last night and a little more today and he said he would call up his psychiatrist for me along with his therapist and see if maybe they can help. I am really hoping they will be able to.

Therapy Today

So today is my appointment with the therapist. Only 2.5 hours till work day is over and then only 3.5 hours till I go have a chat. *sigh*

I really don't feel like bringing up my past if its possible, which really its not. I just want some medication that will make my anxiety go away for the time being. As soon as I have this money situation more under control it won't be such a big deal. But with teeth, wedding, car, moving, etc. on my brain 24/7 its starting to get to me. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about moving until 2 months before the end of September but its like I can't help myself which is exactly why I want something to calm my brain down a little. My big concern though with taking any medication is that I am going to end up looking acting and feeling like a zombie which for my job is not going to work seeing as they hired me to be "perky".


It looks like we might get even MORE money back from Curtis's insurance plan which is great news but not guaranteed.

I had a long chat about religion with a co-worker which was nice she siad she would keep us in her prayers which I also thought was nice of her to say.

I need to be able to focus more at work. I need to get more work done. 

Therapist - Anxiety

My appointment is set for Thursday with the therapist. I keep thinking, "oh its okay I feel better this week so I can just cancel". In the mean time I am still having to do the - take a deep breath and exhale slowly routine. The more I think about the dentist and my credit cards and Curtis' school costs the more it feels like something is tightening across my chest.

I am still having a horrible time concentrating at work too. I really hope whatever they suggests help. I don't want to go back on Welbutrin XL because I don't really believe that I am depressed. I mean I have bouts of being down but nothing that lasts more then a couple of days and it doesn't come up too often so I think I am okay in that department. I am kind of hoping for some kind of medication I can just take when things feel like they are getting bad and I just need something to relax myself a bit. I don't really know if something like that even exists. I mean I know there is daily medication for that kind of thing but I really don't want to have to take yet another pill (birth control pill is the other pill) every day.

I keep thinking maybe I should cancel or just not show up but the appointment will only be $15 and if I can get them to prescribe me something quickly I think it wouldn't be so bad. That is probably not a good way to look at it but oh well.

For now I am just going to focus on keeping my appointment and hopefully nothing will sway me for actually going to it this time. 

No Wedding for Me

So I decided, on my own, last night that instead of using the money we saved up to have a wedding we should just use all of it to fix Curtis' teeth. I cried a little this morning about it and I am not completely over it but I know its the right thing to do. Curtis' health and well being mean more to me then anything in the long run. We can still have a ceremony later down the line too but I think its going to be a long while before that happens.

I also have a doctors appointment next week Thursday to talk to someone about my anxiety and see if maybe they can give me something for it. I don't really feel like talking about my problems to another person I just want something so I don't feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack every day.


I also had a review today at work and they are happy with me thank god. I always feel like I can do more and no one likes me but I guess I just need to get over that too.

Debt and Anxiety

This seems to keep happening to me at least once a week...

I sit down and start counting my nickles and dimes (okay mainly pennies) and it just doesn't add up. I have to pay off my two credit cards before Curtis no longer gets loans from school in which case he will have no way to pay for rent, I have to try and save $4,000-$5,000 for a wedding I would like to have sometime this year, and I need another $10,000 to fix curtis' teeth.

Now the credit cards aren't be cause I am some irresponsible slob, I owe about $9,500 total, one card was used to pay for things during my time in college and the other help pay for my gastric bypass. I have been paying slightly over the minimum on each since I have gotten the cards but stupid me keeps buying things here and there like gas for the car or a pizza. I think I am going to have to take the plunge and cut up both of the cards. Now if I continue making the same payments as I am now I will have both cards paid off in about 5 or so years... that is not in time before Curtis runs out of money. I am currently paying $160 a month on one card and $130 on another if I can reduce my monthly bill by 300 bucks I think I would be able to carry a small apartment for the both of us if Curtis can't find a full time job right away.

We are moving out of the apartments we are in at the beginning of October so yes we are WAYS off from that but I also know that Curtis has the rent paid up until that time.

So the goal is to find an apartment that can fit all of Curtis's stuff and my clothes and is in a somewhat decent neighborhood not too far away from his school or work (I work in Tampa so it doesn't much matter) all for around $650 bucks... Now I know I can get an apartment for that amount. I know I can get an apartment for that amount and have it be a good size, I am NOT sure if I can find an apartment (or house but that is pushing it) for that amount that size and in a good neighborhood. I know no matter what the apartments will not be as nice as the ones we are in now but I do NOT want to live in the ghetto. I don't want to live there because 1) its the ghetto and 2) I know I will just want to move again in a year which I really want to stop doing. (I moved almost every year since I've come down to Florida and I have been here since the 3rd grade).

Now the wedding is partially paid for, we have about $2,000 saved up, or we will by the end of this month. I applied to a telemarketing part-time position (YUCK) but I haven't heard back from them as of yet. So we will see if that pans out at all.

As far as Curtis' teeth go I think he will have to end up going to a dental school and have it done little by little because I just don't think I can handle getting into even more debt at this point.

If I could just get rid of my car too that would help. I have a 2010 Toyota Yaris that I am paying $280 a month on and another $172 for insurance.

There has got to be a way to do this I just need to figure it out. Until then my anxiety levels have been sky rocketing. I am not as sweet to  Curtis who doesn't deserve me being like that and I just overall feel depressed. Now this mood comes and goes but I am tired of it popping up almost once a week to two weeks. I just need to figure out how to make more money and make it VERY quickly. Or at least within the next few month.