About to Break Down

I am very close to losing it. I want to break down and cry right about now and I know I have no time for things like that.

We had the receptionist who had my position in 2007 in the office today and its making me very nervous. I was trying to get information out of people as to why she was in talking to the two headed bosses with the door closed but I didn't get much out of anyone. One of the bosses said she was here looking for a job or for a possible reference but he said that as we grow we will probably need someone more specialized as an admin and he is not really sure she would be the person for that. This made me feel a little bit better but still I can't shake the feeling that my job is in jeopardy. I have always been overly paranoid about things like this and I know that's partially just my own brain over thinking/worrying but the "what if" monster is lurking in my head like no ones business.

I have an interview tomorrow for a behavioral tech overight position. The hours are Fri-Sun 11pm till 7am which means in a way I will be killing myself if I don't nap at the appropriate times. I still think I can do it though! I really want the job. The pay is only 9.75 an hour but it could be paying 8 and I would gladly take it. Its finally a job that is in my field. I want this job so much and if it ends up being like the situation at PAR when I interviewed there I know I will end up being devastated.

If I do get the job it means I will not be able to work at the sushi restuarant on Fridays and I will only be able to work on Saturdays till 10pm at the latest. I don't want to let them down and I really hope they understand that this is the job I have been waiting for so I can get my foot in the door. If I can later convince the behvioral place to hire me on full time that would be the ideal situation.

Another concern is that the receptionist job that I am at now the benefits and pay are so freaking good that I don't want to lose that or the job (obviously) prior to getting pregnant and having kids. I think with any other insurance company ti would just end up costing WAY too much and that would just be more money I have to save in the long run.

I am again counting my eggs before they are hatched as far as even getting the job. I have to pass the first step tomorrow which is the interview.

God I hope this works out, I am so ready to start my career in the field of psychology!

Can I cry now? nope, sorry, too busy have to get more work done.*sigh*

Sleepiness and Boredom

I am sooooooo bored at work! I really need to find something to distract my mind with but with being on the meds concentrating on just about anything is nearly impossible. I just realized this morning as I got to work that oh hey I was supposed to pay the rent... UGH! I called Curtis up like 3 times trying to get a hold of him but of course his phone was on vibrate in his pocket. He took a check over there for us and luckily they were nice enough to not charge us anything extra (this one time).

This is SO unlike me. If there is anything I am good about its paying the bills on time.

I just want to sleep!!!! I mean seriously, just sleep and sleep and sleep. I have been getting a normal 7-8 hours a night so its not like I am missing out but all my body seems to want to do is nap. The only other time I felt like this was when I was actually depressed. But my mood is okay, I still have ups and downs which are normal but the physical feeling is BLAH!

I am of course washing dishes again tonight, and might I add I REALLY don't want to. Its only 7.50 an hour which is basically an extra $30 I know its something and I know I should be grateful that we have this extra bit of income I can make but MAN feeling this tired is not motivating me to just get up put on a happy face and deal with it. Again, I just want to sleep. Like, a LOT. I'm pretty sure I could just crawl under my desk right now and have no problem falling right to sleep.

I can't wait till my next appointment with the psychiatrist I am half hoping she gives me aderall of just something to give me a boost or jolt or something. The anxiety is going away for the most part but this sleepiness is almost intolerable.

Tonight I bump up my meds to 20mg, we'll see if it makes a difference or not, I am just hoping it doesn't make me even more sleepy then I already am because I am just going to have to stop taking the drugs altogether if that happens.