About to Break Down

I am very close to losing it. I want to break down and cry right about now and I know I have no time for things like that.

We had the receptionist who had my position in 2007 in the office today and its making me very nervous. I was trying to get information out of people as to why she was in talking to the two headed bosses with the door closed but I didn't get much out of anyone. One of the bosses said she was here looking for a job or for a possible reference but he said that as we grow we will probably need someone more specialized as an admin and he is not really sure she would be the person for that. This made me feel a little bit better but still I can't shake the feeling that my job is in jeopardy. I have always been overly paranoid about things like this and I know that's partially just my own brain over thinking/worrying but the "what if" monster is lurking in my head like no ones business.

I have an interview tomorrow for a behavioral tech overight position. The hours are Fri-Sun 11pm till 7am which means in a way I will be killing myself if I don't nap at the appropriate times. I still think I can do it though! I really want the job. The pay is only 9.75 an hour but it could be paying 8 and I would gladly take it. Its finally a job that is in my field. I want this job so much and if it ends up being like the situation at PAR when I interviewed there I know I will end up being devastated.

If I do get the job it means I will not be able to work at the sushi restuarant on Fridays and I will only be able to work on Saturdays till 10pm at the latest. I don't want to let them down and I really hope they understand that this is the job I have been waiting for so I can get my foot in the door. If I can later convince the behvioral place to hire me on full time that would be the ideal situation.

Another concern is that the receptionist job that I am at now the benefits and pay are so freaking good that I don't want to lose that or the job (obviously) prior to getting pregnant and having kids. I think with any other insurance company ti would just end up costing WAY too much and that would just be more money I have to save in the long run.

I am again counting my eggs before they are hatched as far as even getting the job. I have to pass the first step tomorrow which is the interview.

God I hope this works out, I am so ready to start my career in the field of psychology!

Can I cry now? nope, sorry, too busy have to get more work done.*sigh*

Workey work work of workdom

So today is officially my third day of working 8:30am - 10pm/11pm. I am definitely tired and my muscles are starting to ache a little but all in all not too bad. Both Tuesday and Wednesday were somewhat quiet. We had a small steady stream of customers. Of course I messed up here and there but nothing too big. And more importantly nothing involving money. They expect today to be slow as well since it St. Pattys day and well a sushi restuarant is not really the end all and be all when it comes to green... well green anything except for the tea maybe.

The restuarant, is saw last night, has decided to make a new sushi roll called the Tsunami roll and all of the proceeds will be going to help the people in Japan. I thought this was a great idea and I wish there was something more I could do other than just give them money but I guess every little bit helps.

Job 1 so far has been even more of a bore this week because everyone is at the health conference so there is a max of 4 people in the office. I actually did a test with a sewing pin dropped it on my desk and asked the lady who I work with if she could hear that and she said yes, so it has been proven you can hear a pin drop in this office, its THAT quiet.

While I am not too exhausted at the moment I did end up taking a nap in my car both Monday and Tuesday. I am thinking about taking another nap today but we'll see.

Today is also my third day in a row wearing a white button up shirt and after the first day I have managed to get them all stained up *knocks on wood in hopes I don't get crap all over this shirt before work*.

Tomorrow Curtis and I work together (though we won't be speaking to each other). His teeth are still bugging him which has me worried. he goes to the dentist on the 29th again so hopefully they will take a look and tell him everything is okay. He finds out about his bio exam today too and I am keeping my fingers crossed he did well. He studied so damn hard for the thing I am just hoping it proves to him the hard work will pay off. Plus all in all I just don't want to see him upset.

Lost it Last Night

So last night I kind of lost it, BIG TIME! As soon as I got home Curtis was leaving to go to work (not uncommon) we kiss and say our goodbyes and 2 minutes later he walks back into the house. His car battery just died... so my brain goes in two directions, oh good god we just spend almost $1500 last month fixing the car what could it possibly be now and the other one was okay I have to take him to work because he is already running late. Well the take him to work part of my brain took over and I grabbed everything and dropped him off. Everything was honky-dorey. So I am driving back home not really thinking about the car just that, boo, I will have to go out again at 9:30 to pick him up and I am no longer in any kind of a mood to cook. Luckily I had half a wrap and some chili left over from lunch so Curtis would have something to eat when he comes home.

So I go and pick Curtis up from work (in the mean time I made brownies but they didn't turn out all that tasty). So I'm waiting, still keeping in mind that the car is dead but its just not really hitting me yet. We drive home and as soon as we pull up next to his car and I realize that instead of going upstairs I have to be down here giving his car a jump hoping and praying that it will start.  <--- Right around there is where I start losing it.

My brain then decides to go into overdrive again with money issues. Like how Curtis never has a set amount of hours at work so we never have a set amount of money coming in each week, how his job, after school is over, is going to be just like that, him working on one project then another, and in the mean time me praying that we have enough money between projects to pay for all the bills. My brain then jumps over to holy crap I don't want to raise kids who are going to end up hearing about me always worried if the next dollar is coming in because dad can't get a gig right now or will he be able to find part time work in the mean time. Then it goes to since Curtis and I have met nothing involving money has been stable, there is always something new popping up. After that all I could think about is how fate/god/whatever doesn't want me to marry Curtis and that's why things keep popping up, so we will never have enough money for a wedding.

So as all this is going on Curtis is jumping the car I refuse to open my car door to listen to him and I all together just don't want to listen, see or have anything to do with him. I throw a tantrum for pretty much the rest of the night. I refuse to tell him what is wrong but I do tell him hits nothing he did. I tell him to go upstairs and eat dinner and I sit in my car just crying a little. I feel like the only stability we are ever going to have is going to come from me and that I have to work even harder to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Its just getting so tiresome for me, I should be able to count on him for some kind of stability in the future.

I do finally tell him that I don't think we have any stability in the relationship and that I am worried we never have and never will. I know its not like he can snap his fingers and make everything better but I just kept thinking to myself life shouldn't be this hard ALL the time. I'm 26 years old and I have what feels like no stability in my life, just chaos.

I end up going to bed upset and he and I talk a little bit more but not much really, I ask him not to touch me because I am warm (which was only half true). I always try and think of something positive even if things seem like they are never going to rise up out of the gutter. So I think really hard to myself if I can just think of one stable thing that is there since we started dating it wouldn't all be that bad. So I think and it hits me that really the only thing there is is the love we have for one another, I know its never faltered on my end and I am pretty sure it never has on his either since the day we met. I am trying to hold on to that little bit of stability but its hard. I think he is crying but I'm too tired to deal with it and I just keep trying to fall asleep.

I wake up around 6am-ish (a normal thing for me) turn to him and cuddle him for a while. My brain has finally stopped going into over drive. I tell him I love him he says it back and I turn around and get a little bit more sleep before I have to be up at 7:30am and start getting ready for work.

By the time both of us are up last night is in the past and I have moved on, I am just hoping he did the same too.

Selling Clothes , Transformers, and dealing with Taxes

So the girl who is banging my ex-fiance and is married but in an open marriage came over tonight to go through my closet and see if she wanted to buy any clothes. Granted I did invite her over myself so I shouldn't be too upset but the whole things still felt weird to me. I don't know if she knows that I know about her and Geoff's relationship or not, but whatever. I sold all the clothes at a very low and reasonable price. She only gave me $30 and still owes me another $125 but I know where she lives so I am not too worried about it.

My sales on eBay are doing great I am jut worried because now I can't seem to find the paper with the code on it for the amazon gift card. Curtis is at GameStop working right now so I don't want to bug him. He has been selling Transformers online right now and so far he has sold 3 but all for a very good price. I bought another ring set off of EBay which I am going to see if I can pawn for more then what I paid for it and see if I can sell Geoff's ring while I am at it.

In a strange way I wonder if Geoff is actually who is going to be paying for the clothes and he is just having Nici pick them up, but to be honest I don't think Nici is all that clever. 

No matter what we have a way of income headed towards us.

 I did my taxes today too and oh my god that turned out terrible. I thought I was going to get a ton of money back but it ended up that I only got back $520 bucks. Thank god Curtis got back over $2,000 which is all going towards the wedding which at the rate we are going is actually going to be paid for. I just need to make sure I can keep up the selling and saving and everything else.

Tonight we are supposed to be going to party, I'm not really in the mood but its free and it means we get to go out without spending a bunch of cash. I just want to sleep and not really deal with things but I know right now its not an option.

I just hope we can keep rolling the money in like we have been.