Debt and Anxiety

This seems to keep happening to me at least once a week...

I sit down and start counting my nickles and dimes (okay mainly pennies) and it just doesn't add up. I have to pay off my two credit cards before Curtis no longer gets loans from school in which case he will have no way to pay for rent, I have to try and save $4,000-$5,000 for a wedding I would like to have sometime this year, and I need another $10,000 to fix curtis' teeth.

Now the credit cards aren't be cause I am some irresponsible slob, I owe about $9,500 total, one card was used to pay for things during my time in college and the other help pay for my gastric bypass. I have been paying slightly over the minimum on each since I have gotten the cards but stupid me keeps buying things here and there like gas for the car or a pizza. I think I am going to have to take the plunge and cut up both of the cards. Now if I continue making the same payments as I am now I will have both cards paid off in about 5 or so years... that is not in time before Curtis runs out of money. I am currently paying $160 a month on one card and $130 on another if I can reduce my monthly bill by 300 bucks I think I would be able to carry a small apartment for the both of us if Curtis can't find a full time job right away.

We are moving out of the apartments we are in at the beginning of October so yes we are WAYS off from that but I also know that Curtis has the rent paid up until that time.

So the goal is to find an apartment that can fit all of Curtis's stuff and my clothes and is in a somewhat decent neighborhood not too far away from his school or work (I work in Tampa so it doesn't much matter) all for around $650 bucks... Now I know I can get an apartment for that amount. I know I can get an apartment for that amount and have it be a good size, I am NOT sure if I can find an apartment (or house but that is pushing it) for that amount that size and in a good neighborhood. I know no matter what the apartments will not be as nice as the ones we are in now but I do NOT want to live in the ghetto. I don't want to live there because 1) its the ghetto and 2) I know I will just want to move again in a year which I really want to stop doing. (I moved almost every year since I've come down to Florida and I have been here since the 3rd grade).

Now the wedding is partially paid for, we have about $2,000 saved up, or we will by the end of this month. I applied to a telemarketing part-time position (YUCK) but I haven't heard back from them as of yet. So we will see if that pans out at all.

As far as Curtis' teeth go I think he will have to end up going to a dental school and have it done little by little because I just don't think I can handle getting into even more debt at this point.

If I could just get rid of my car too that would help. I have a 2010 Toyota Yaris that I am paying $280 a month on and another $172 for insurance.

There has got to be a way to do this I just need to figure it out. Until then my anxiety levels have been sky rocketing. I am not as sweet to  Curtis who doesn't deserve me being like that and I just overall feel depressed. Now this mood comes and goes but I am tired of it popping up almost once a week to two weeks. I just need to figure out how to make more money and make it VERY quickly. Or at least within the next few month.

Selling Clothes , Transformers, and dealing with Taxes

So the girl who is banging my ex-fiance and is married but in an open marriage came over tonight to go through my closet and see if she wanted to buy any clothes. Granted I did invite her over myself so I shouldn't be too upset but the whole things still felt weird to me. I don't know if she knows that I know about her and Geoff's relationship or not, but whatever. I sold all the clothes at a very low and reasonable price. She only gave me $30 and still owes me another $125 but I know where she lives so I am not too worried about it.

My sales on eBay are doing great I am jut worried because now I can't seem to find the paper with the code on it for the amazon gift card. Curtis is at GameStop working right now so I don't want to bug him. He has been selling Transformers online right now and so far he has sold 3 but all for a very good price. I bought another ring set off of EBay which I am going to see if I can pawn for more then what I paid for it and see if I can sell Geoff's ring while I am at it.

In a strange way I wonder if Geoff is actually who is going to be paying for the clothes and he is just having Nici pick them up, but to be honest I don't think Nici is all that clever. 

No matter what we have a way of income headed towards us.

 I did my taxes today too and oh my god that turned out terrible. I thought I was going to get a ton of money back but it ended up that I only got back $520 bucks. Thank god Curtis got back over $2,000 which is all going towards the wedding which at the rate we are going is actually going to be paid for. I just need to make sure I can keep up the selling and saving and everything else.

Tonight we are supposed to be going to party, I'm not really in the mood but its free and it means we get to go out without spending a bunch of cash. I just want to sleep and not really deal with things but I know right now its not an option.

I just hope we can keep rolling the money in like we have been.

I'm Just Not that Into... Anything Really...

  So I have been going through blog posts to see if I can add more people to read their blog and I have noticed that there are SOOOO many people on here that have religious blogs, and biking blogs, and sewing, and family, and photography, and yadda yadda insert interest here.

I have known for a long time I don't really have a "thing" I don't have a favorite food, or drink, song, band, brand, nothing really. My favorite color is yellow, and I have two favorite flowers orchids and roses, but that's about it. I don't have anything that I am obsessed with. I mean I have some simple interests like embroidery, ebay, coloring simple pictures to relax, but nothing that I could ever see submerging into completely. Its just not really me. I haven't done it with school for years, I didn't do it with most of my relationships, the present and past couple excluded of course. I'm just not that into anything.

So I have been thinking about this for a while and I think when the time comes what I am going to really be into, is my kids. My husband, my family.

I didn't grow up with a big family and its not going get much bigger with the addition of Curtis and kids but they are not really going to have any granparents except my mom and possible his mom for a while if she can jus stay healthy, but with it only being my mom and I for the longest time its like my family is going to triple if not quadruple in size.

I can just see myself getting into my family, baking cookies for school functions, getting them dressed in the morning, soccer practice, karate practice, ballet. I can't wait to start that part of my life! Okay so I CAN wait, I have to wait but man am I ready!, psychologically at least.

Sweet Thoughtfullness

So yesterday after an absolute nightmare of a day (read blog below this one) I come home do my usual searches online, see how my ebay sales are going, and wait for Curtis to come home from work. He is usually home by 9:30pm sometimes a little later depending on what all has to get done in the store. So I make a quick dinner for the two of us and wait patiently.

When he finally does come home all it takes is one look at his face and I know the day has been just as hard on him as it was for me. I do my usual routine of how was your day yadda yadda and I ask him if he had time to stop by his step-fathers. The reason I ask this is because his step dad is a jeweler and we found a one carat princess cut very clean diamond at his shop, the best part though is that he is selling it to us for ONLY $1,000 which when it comes to diamonds of that quality it is hard to get. My only concern with the ring is that the band is very thin and I worry about damaging it. We have looked at other bands and different settings and there is one setting I absolutely adore but it has more diamonds to it and it means its going to cost more money. So no matter what though I am going to LOVE that ring!

Okay okay so I ask him if he stopped by his step dad's because he needed to tell him to hold the ring for us and me being me I was very scared someone else might pick it up before we got it and he refused to leave a message with his step dad's mother-in-law. So he goes to tell me that YES he did stop by and not only that but he also put a down payment of $100 on the ring. Now at this point I am like HUH?!?!? Where did you get that money?!?!? (I know every dime that comes in and goes out of our house so it go me worried a little). Well he goes on to tell he sold the wedding bands from his prior marriage (which ended 4 and a half years ago).

I was in absolute shock, we are talking mouth open wide. I at no point asked him to get rid of the rings and I know it meant a lot to him to still have it. He actually made those bands himself when he was working with his step dad in the jewelry shop. I asked him why he did it and he said it was time to let go. I told him he didn't have to do that and he said, yes, I did. At this point I had tears in my eyes because yet again he proved to me how much I mean to him and how much he wants our life together to progress.

I am so lucky to have found a man like him. I have to keep in mind every day that no matter what struggles we are going to face in the future and I have no doubt that there will be plenty, we will get through it together.

I still can't believe he actually gave up the rings. I do have to admit it made me very happy in a sort of selfish way but he came to the decision on his own and that's what really makes the act so meaningful to me.

Teeth and Rings

Okay so I am beyond stressed out right now!!! I'm at work and I just want to break down and cry. First off my Ex-Fiance Geoff wants the ring he gave me back (which in a way ins understandable) because he lost his job and now needs to turn it in so they don't come after him for it. I am very sad to lose the ring and it was kind of my only insurance policy in case something terrible happens so I kind of feel like the tiny little cushion I had is now going to disappear.

I know I told him I would give him the ring back if he asked for it and I am going to keep my word but it hurts my feelings too, I know I should be over it and just move on but I had to give up another ring he gave me so we could get this one.

I think for at least a little while he and I won't be speaking. I'm sure he feels bad for having to take the ring back but I don't care. He should have had some money saved up or something in case of an emergency. *sigh* I feel like if one more thing goes wrong today I am going to flip out. I half feel like I should just take the rest of the day off because my nerves are on edge. Its only 10:30 right now and I know I should just hold out as long as I can.

The bigger issue is Curtis' teeth. He finally went to my dentist this morning only to find out that his insurance only covers $500 a year worth of dental work. How much dental work does he need? Oh just over $10,000. He said he is going to go to his bank and see what they can do for him but really its pointless because someone who makes only $9 an hour and works part time is not going to get a loan that freaking big from his bank not without like a 28% interest on it, but really I just don't see the bank giving him the loan. I just have no idea how we are going to afford all this, really we can't. And his poor mouth is going to rot away and are just going to get worse.

Even though he is getting money from his school loans even that is not going to be enough to cover this expense. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. And once again I feel like fate is telling me not to have a wedding because I am going to have this enormous bill to pay. I know its not like the bill will be my sole responsibility but I just feel so helpless and I hate that.

I just don't know what we are going to do. Poor Curtis probably feels worse than I do. I know he just wants the problem with his mouth fixed already.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle...

Now Where Did I Put that Wedding?

So I have no idea where to have the wedding.

NOT on the beach, I am well aware I live in Florida and the coast line is beautiful and blah blah blah, but if I am going to spend a couple of hundred dollars on an ivory dress I can't see myself mucking it up with sand. And I will NOT wear an above the knee dress. So that cheap version is out of the questions.

I could go with a park to save on cost and I would like to have an outside ceremony BUT I want the option to have it inside if the weather goes sour. so that means paying for a venue which will cost a ton of money. I am hoping to get some sort of a package deal with the ceremony and food and flowers. But again money money money.

I think we have the music and photographer under our belt (well maybe the photographer I still want a professional there instead of  student).

I was also thinking about maybe having the wedding on a cruise or on a boat. I just don;t know how many of our friends would be able to be there if we did that. Not to mention I have like NO ONE to invite. I think max my list of people who I am inviting to the wedding is like 10.. maybe..

Angie
Mom
George
Angie's Mom
Angie's Older Brother
Angie's Younger Brother (maybe)

and all those minus George and Angie's little brother MIGHT have a +1 added to it.

I was thinking about inviting Attumn too but she never really comes through at the end so I think I will leave her out of the list.

I don't even know how many people Curtis wants to invite, I really don't feel like having girl's he has had a crush on/messed around with/or dated at my wedding. I know I will probably have to make an exception or two but meh... We both deserve to have a good time at the wedding after all.

But it doesn't matter how many people are going to go IF we have no where to have it.

And call me finicky but I do NOT want to have it at someones house. Or god forbid at our apartment complex.

I still don't know how I am going to raise money for this wedding.

Stresses, Dresses

So I think I'm starting to take my stress out on Curtis because of the lack of money we have for the wedding. Poor guy I know he is trying but its like I just can't be satisfied. He is selling his Transformers and what not but then he goes and buys a book he will not need until next semester. I know he says he is doing it to get a head start but really I think he could be getting a much better deal on all of his books if he bought it a little later and ANYWHERE else besides the school book store. In the mean time I feel like the bad guy because lately its like I have been bitching at him about every little red cent he spends.

Really I think he needs to get a different job that is more pay and has a set amount of hours. At least that way we know exactly how much money is coming in for every pay check and there isn't this oh god am I going to get 10 hours next week or 25... And I know the hours are not his fault but still I just feel like he needs to let go of GameStop and see if maybe there are better opportunities out there for him.

I really do feel like a whiny brat.

I am trying to get a part time job to pay for everything in the mean time but really I just want to be lazy. Something needs to light a fire under my butt too and get going with my ebay sales god only knows those clothes will not be in style forever and some I probably already just need to get rid of. I just can't seem to get motivated about anything lately, and I don't know why. I'm not sure if its just because things look bleak or if its because I am worried I will lose my job and I know I will need to sell my clothes at that time for collateral or what.

On top of everything else my mother has been no help at all with the wedding. I tried to call her on her birthday and the next day but no such luck. I didn't have the money to send her flowers so I don't know if she is pissed, I guess I could have sent her a card I, again was just being lazy about it.

On a more positive note, I found a dress I like and a couple of webistes that are willing to sell the dress for like 80% less than the retail cost which is $2,145.

A picture of the dress can be found here:
http://www.demetriosbride.com/us/index.php?page=collection_ilissa&styleID=2644

and a much cheaper place to buy the dress can be found here:
http://www.dresstimes.com/home.php

Another place I want to check out more dresses is here:
http://www.preownedweddingdresses.com/

The Wedding

I asked Curtis:

to marry me on our 6 month Anniversary at Datz in front of everyone. There is a lot more details then that, but it will have to wait.