Not Feeling Very Jolly This Season

I don't know what its been about this Christmas but I'm not really my usual cheery self. I think part of it is because money is so tight and the other is because I ended up spending so much of it and a lot of the time I'm like oh well I could have bought this or that or the other and that stuff would have been more useful then what I actually got. 


I mean don't get me wrong I got some great deals and I was smart about coupons and sales and what not but I guess I just expected to have more money. I kept reaching into the joint account which while I always put the money back in its like just throwing more of my money away. I keep buy food I don't need to be eating (the expensive kind, or sweets that I really don't need). And its like if the money is not being thrown out one window its going out the other. 


We are going to have a lot more bills this next year and a whole lot less money coming in. The Christmas season is going to die down so Curtis will be getting less hours at work and this is his last semester in school so the loans won't be coming in either. I mean I know it will all work out and we will be okay its just stressing me out like crazy not knowing where exactly this money is going to be coming from. Gamestop sure as shit will not give him a promotion, especially since they are probably hiring this girl that is working there temporarily who used to be in the same position as Curtis. And Gamestop REALLY likes to make girls the assistant manager over guys (its the whole having boobs thing and dorky gamers liking them deal). 


Curtis got a supposed gig working in a theater that my co-workers wife is working on also only to find out that this guy never bought the rights to the play and it is a very likely chance Curtis won't be getting paid at all because the guy is a schmuck. I know he is going to be disappointed which mean I'm going to have to hear about it and tell him how I'm sorry and oh it'll be okay and blah blah blah blah... I think there is only so much empathy I can muster per year and I'm about run out at this point. 


On a whole nother topic, Curtis' mom is posting stupid crap like oh pray for my boyfriend he is going to court tomorrow... the guy is going to court because he got a DUI! uh... no... I don't think so no praying for him. I think more along the lines of praying for the other people out on the road with him. Then she has the nerve to say oh well its only his second offense and he will be fine and I don't like the tone you used... UGH! SECOND OFFENSE! Christ you think she would have learned after Curtis' dad... or her last husband... christ can she pick the winners or what... What a dumb ass. And in the mean time I am trying my best to keep my mouth shut and not say anything but at the same time I feel kind of responsible to be like, HEY you are making a mistake with this guy he has two DUIs he should be in jail! Stop being so afraid to be alone and get rid of him before you start making the same mistakes over and over and over and yeah hopefully you get my point. 


Oh and speaking of DUIs. My ex-boyfriend Mike and I are talking again. His girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him over the phone while he was down in Miami. Both of them were in a horrible state to begin with both doing tons of drugs getting kicked out of places getting caught this that the other no job, stealing, you name it. 


Well I guess life finally kicked him in the ass enough for him to get himself together because he is off all the drugs. Back in my college days when we dated he was just a stoner and he would do magic mushrooms and drop some acid here and there but that was about it. Well after we broke up it escalated for him to pills and coke and finally heroin. Like I said he is clean for now, still smoking if he goes out to see his friends (which is hard to do seeing as he has no license of car and live at home with his dad with no job. He is even trying to stop smoking cigarettes which is great but is still doing them from time to time. In case you are wondering about me, I stopped smoking pot pretty much after we broke up. I think that was part of my college days faze I was going through. 


He is just so sad now though that his girlfriend broke up with him. I mean she literally broke his heart and he feels so bad and not doing drugs and feeling like this is never useful to an addict. she also ended up getting back together with her ex on top of everything else... Mike and her had a horrible relationship though it was abusive in more ways than one on both their ends. I think she did the right thing breaking up with him I just wish she hadn't gone about it in such a cowardly way. He of course is in a bit of denial about how he never hurt her and how she never wanted it to work out to begin with. I wasn't there so I can't say one way or another but I think they both hurt each other, really is pretty obvious. 


I am just so worried about him. He had a really rough day yesterday and he finally got some meds for his anxiety and ADD and something else for the depression but I think the anti-depressants aren't really what is best for him. I just wish I could make him understand that the pain will go away eventually but it will take time. 


In the mean time trying to constantly console him and make sure he is okay and not going back to drugs and not wanting to kill himself is literally exhausting me. I'm his friend though and I would feel horrible if I just stopped being there. Lately though it just doesn't seem like he wants to help himself at all. He needs to take his GED test but the first one that is available won't be until January 15th (or so he tells me) which will be too late for him to sign up for classes in the Spring for college. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers and that he barely wants to help himself and if that is the case it won;t matter what I do. I just wish he could see how lucky he is to have so many people trying to support him. Though some of his friends keep inviting him over to smoke out and one wanted him to get a bunch of acid for him and its just like UGH! come on guys he is trying to do better stop exposing him to all this stuff. 


I've been spending a lot of my time after work with him, usually when Curtis isn't home which can be fun but mainly is just frustrating because he was doing so well at first and then poof now he just can't seem to get out of the bed. he stays up till like 4-5am and then doesn't wake up till 2-4pm in the afternoon. He says he has a lot of trouble getting to sleep which i can understand and he has always had trouble waking up in the morning but comeon, at some point you need to break the cycle. 


Again, another topic. I finally went in to get my stomach looked at to see if I have a hernia, I got the scans but seeing as I am no doctor I couldn't exactly read them. So until my next appointment with my doctor I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just hope one, its not cancer, two its nothing that will get in the way of me having kids, and three its not going to cost us an arm and a leg to get fixed. 


Money is jsut vanishing left and right. I bough Curtis a game I knew he wanted which I thought he had changed the order to not get the special edition version which was another $111 on top of the 25 he already put down only to find out... no he still has the special edition on pre-order so I would have felt bad just getting him the normal game so I bought the stupid freaking game for him.. *sigh* only to then find out that his game is like WoW and you have to ALSO pay a monthly fee to play the damn thing... UGH! its not bad enough he has a new phone (that I got him) to pay for, a new car which he has a monthly payment to make on (which we used all of the wedding money for), anther credit card which I got and put his name on that he charged what was left on his old credit so the interest wouldn't hit, AND a number of medical bills he hasn't paid, and soon school loans, but now a FREAKING GAME!!! UGH!!!! You know, I don't buy myself expensive things or things that are going to take forever to pay off, I don't buy things that have a monthly cost to them, I don't get my nails done my toes done or even my freaking hair done anymore and we live in a shit hole with shitty neighbors that I am embarrassed to have people I know over but he is just spending money like its nothing!!! I know that is probably a little selfish and after all I am the one that got him the game put his name on the card and told him to buy a new car (because his last car was like him and wanted to shit money out like it was eating it for breakfast) but still!!! And every time he gets paid 3 days later he has no money because, oh I wanted to get you some really nice things for Christmas... okay well that is great and all can you get me one less bill to pay next year because that would be freaking awesome. but no... he is out of money has to use the joint account for gas and food and while again, it all goes back in there (even though he hasn't bothered to pay back the last gas or sushi we ate to the account) its just like WTF manage your money at least a little better... I love gifts, I don't love you being a broke ass. Stop worrying about what I got your for Christmas because I make more money then you so yes I will be able to get probably more then what you got me its not a big freaking deal get over it. 


Obviously I'm venting at this point... I am just so frustrated between Mike, my work Money, Curtis and the completely unforeseeable future. I really don't want to live in that apartment anymore it is SOOOO embarrassing, I wish we never moved in there to begin with. Sure the inside is great but the outside and neighbors are terrible. I really made a mistake picking this place out and i am so worried that when the lease is up we won't be able to move anywhere else because we won't have any money. At this rate we are never having a kid. I am certainly not going to be pregnant and walk a baby through hallways that smell like dog piss. 


again, venting and very frustrated. I kind of just want Christmas to be over with already so I can start saving money again. 

Holy Hot Popsicle Sticks Batman, That's a Lot of Money.

So out of nowhere a friend of Curtis' (Charles) who I have met twice gave us our wedding/Christmas present early. As I am sure you can guess by the picture it was cash. a LOT of cash, like I just pooped my pants that a lot of cash to give to someone who you have only met twice.


Charles gave Curtis and I $1,300!!!


Now I am sure that may not be a lot of money to everyone but no one, and I mean NO ONE, has ever given me that much money in one sitting. The most cash I think I have ever gotten was $1,000 and that was from my father the first time I saw him in 12 years for college. And while yes I have gotten presents that were more then that amount its still a shocker. Mainly because I have only met this guy twice. He is a great guy funny and sweet and a dork of course cause that's the kind of people we hang out with but it really took me by surprise. He handed me the envelope with the money in it and I thought awesome maybe one or two hundred bucks, that will come in SUPER handy. I asked Curtis to take the money because I was at lunch at the time not knowing just how much was in there.

While I did say thank you at lunch the next time I see him I am going to give him a huge hug and thank him again. I just really don't know what else to say to his generosity.


This means that Curtis and I are only about $750 away from our goal! Which by October should be totally doable. I am just now scared to death because I am starting to wonder what will go wrong.

Bye Bye Prozac

So a couple of days ago I decided to take myself off of Prozac. Why? Because while I hate feeling jittery and anxious it makes me feel a lot better then being depressed. I noticed that I had started to become incredibly lethargic. I mean I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I just wanted to sleep I wasn't interested in anything and all together just felt like poo.

I am now practically bouncing around by my cubicle, still not getting any actual work done (which will eventually come and bite me in the rear) but I feel better and as far as my personal life is concerned (the wedding) I am being far more productive. So much so I found two dresses I actually sorta like but am still hoping to find something better.

One of my coworkers even offered to come with me to a bridal show on Sunday if Curtis couldn't make it because of work. 

Speaking of work they just called me to tell me I won't need to come in today. It kind of sucks though cause it means less money in the wedding fund which has me a little worried. We have soooo close to $2,000 saved and that means just another $2,000 to go to have a nice small wedding.

I am kind of nervous as to what my therapist has to say about e taking myself off the Prozac but oh well I rather feel jittery then depressed any day. I am also currently not on birth control just because I haven't went and picked up my prescription yet and in a way it feels kind of nice to not have to pop a pill every day.
 

About to Break Down

I am very close to losing it. I want to break down and cry right about now and I know I have no time for things like that.

We had the receptionist who had my position in 2007 in the office today and its making me very nervous. I was trying to get information out of people as to why she was in talking to the two headed bosses with the door closed but I didn't get much out of anyone. One of the bosses said she was here looking for a job or for a possible reference but he said that as we grow we will probably need someone more specialized as an admin and he is not really sure she would be the person for that. This made me feel a little bit better but still I can't shake the feeling that my job is in jeopardy. I have always been overly paranoid about things like this and I know that's partially just my own brain over thinking/worrying but the "what if" monster is lurking in my head like no ones business.

I have an interview tomorrow for a behavioral tech overight position. The hours are Fri-Sun 11pm till 7am which means in a way I will be killing myself if I don't nap at the appropriate times. I still think I can do it though! I really want the job. The pay is only 9.75 an hour but it could be paying 8 and I would gladly take it. Its finally a job that is in my field. I want this job so much and if it ends up being like the situation at PAR when I interviewed there I know I will end up being devastated.

If I do get the job it means I will not be able to work at the sushi restuarant on Fridays and I will only be able to work on Saturdays till 10pm at the latest. I don't want to let them down and I really hope they understand that this is the job I have been waiting for so I can get my foot in the door. If I can later convince the behvioral place to hire me on full time that would be the ideal situation.

Another concern is that the receptionist job that I am at now the benefits and pay are so freaking good that I don't want to lose that or the job (obviously) prior to getting pregnant and having kids. I think with any other insurance company ti would just end up costing WAY too much and that would just be more money I have to save in the long run.

I am again counting my eggs before they are hatched as far as even getting the job. I have to pass the first step tomorrow which is the interview.

God I hope this works out, I am so ready to start my career in the field of psychology!

Can I cry now? nope, sorry, too busy have to get more work done.*sigh*

Renaissance Festival & Money in the Bank

Curtis and I at the Bay Area Renaissance Festival 04/03/11

This Sunday for the first time in a long time Curtis and I BOTH had Sunday off from work. It stinks in a way because it means less hours and money for Curtis BUT we soooo needed that day off together. We both ended up paying way to much money for food and silly little things but I don't even care. I had deliberately stashed money away for a day like this so he and I could just go out and have a good time, and man did we ever. One of the many things I love about being out and just around Curtis is that we don't fight every time we go out. With some of my other relationships (okay most of them), it seemed like whenever we went out somewhere a fight would end up happening. They would hurt my feelings by saying or doing something or i would hurt theirs and it would end up ruining the whole day for the both of us. This pretty much never happens with Curtis, I mean we have disagreements and arguments here and there but most are very petty and we both get over it or we talk about it and then get over it. *sigh* I love him so much... yeah I know I am being all sappy today :P

At the Festival we saw a live chess match with battles, lots of people singing and playing instruments, and of course the washer women. They are by far the best show, and you get to get wet since they kind of throw water around. They also do audience participation and I was SUPER hoping that Curtis would be able to go up since I know he loves to perform but sadly they didn't pick him. The guys that they did pick though were pretty good. One guy almost got punched in the face because he had to go up to this really tough looking biker guy who was also at the Ren Fest and had no idea what was going on (and the guy who went up to the biker guy was wearing fairy wings to top it off) and say "daddy daddy why did you leave me" and he even gave him a hug, he ran back towards the stage after and exclaimed the guy was ready to punch him. 

One of the many things we did end up spending money on (besides ridiculously expensive drinks and a turkey leg) were henna tattoos. I made Curtis go away though I am pretty sure he knew what I was doing and I had them paint his name on the inside of my wrist. The guy got quite creative and it ended up a little bigger then I was hoping it would be but over all it came out great. Curtis later went back and got my name on his wrist *aaawwww*

 

The tattoo should last a week or two if I take care of it. So far no one at work has said anything so hopefully its no big deal. I don't think it would be since its not a permanent thing. 

After Ren Fest Curtis and I HAD to get something to drink, we already spent 6 bucks on two drinks while we were there and water was not free so we quickly made our way to CVS to grab Gatorade and tea. Now since the event took place not too far from the CVS you would think people would know about it but man if you would have seen the stares people were giving us. Luckily most of them didn't see my feet otherwise they really would have something to stare at. I wore flip flops and Ren Fest is outside in the sand and dirt and grass and my feet were black and disgusting by the time we got in the car. 

Curtis mentioned that he could really go for a Crush Orange Soda, but it has to be in a glass bottle. Well I knew that Datz carries a bunch of different flavored sodas and beers and they also have super yummy desserts that we never get to eat because by the time we are done eating our meal we are stuffed. As we drive by there we see a line to the front door circling ALL the way around the building. I still don't know what the event was but we pretty much decided to go somewhere else. 

I then got the brilliant idea of going to the greenwise publix since we were in the area and I was sure (or at least really hoping) that they might have it. After getting a little lost I found the place again. Well we did end up finding the soda finally but only in the 6 pack version. I figured what the heck this once is not going to hurt anything. Curtis grabbed some straws (because I guess that is the appropriate way to drink things from a glass bottle) and we were finally on our way home.

Once we were back on the road and I felt just how much my legs were aching from walking around all day I suggested we go to our apartments hot tub and take a dip because we have been living there for a little over a half a year and have yet to actually use the pool or the hot tub. 

We run into the house quickly get changed and grab towels and its around 8:30 at this point and Curtis still has a bio quiz to take before midnight (which later we found out were 3 quizzes but he got an 80% on the first one and 100% on the other two). We get to the pool area fence and surprise, its locked... so what do we do in this situation? Well what else, we jump the fence! It was no easy task seeing as I am only 5'3 but i still had it in me to lift my butt up and over. The hot tub felt SO nice! Curtis gave me a foot rub and later I gave him a foot/leg rub and we just floated together and stared at all the beautiful stars in the sky. it was very romantic and I love the feeling of being weightless in the water. 

I went over to the pool to see how cold it was, and yes it was very cold even thought it was a hot night. After a little coaxing on my part I convinced Curtis to quickly jump in the pool with me and then head straight back into the hot tub. The pool felt so good but then it started to sink and and we both ran like little kids back to the hot tub. our skin felt like pins and needles once we got back in there but after a while it calmed down. We decided to call it a night and head back in. 

That Sunday was by far one of the best I have had in a long time. 

On a side note, Curtis paid me a compliment which I was quite surprised by but happy to hear. He said after I was joking around with the girl at the checkout line in Greewise that I could do stand up. Now I don't think he knows this but at some point when I was much younger I always thought it would be neat to do that. Kind of a start off like Roseanne did and then make my way to acting. Of course for me its one of those unrealistic/non-sensible goals so I stuck to my studies and never went after it.

Well even though we spent a bit of money this weekend I am VERY happy to report that we now have saved close to $1,000 for the wedding which means we are a quarter of the way there! I still don't know if we will have enough saved to have it before the end of the year but I am going to put away as much as possible in the mean time.

*facepalm*

The above two pictures are by far and large an excellent example of how I feel right now. So Curtis ended up getting more hours this week at job 1 (GameStop) only to find out that nest week he is only working an aazing 8 hours, the ENTIRE week. Its things like this that drive me freaking nuts, I mean just keep your same freaking hours and quit swapping it around every week. That's what I would like to tell him manager but of course I am in no position to do so and it would just end up landing him in trouble.

8 hours... at $9 an hour and poof - 72 dollars for the whole week. *sigh* At least I haven't had to touch any of my wedding money and He may have this Sunday off if they don't call him in, which will be the first Sunday he has off in a VERY long time. We may end up going to the Renaissance Festival but we'll see. I need to find out how much tickets are going to cost and all. *sigh*

Deep breaths... its going to be like this for the next 6 months... *twitch*

Don't Panic, Where is my towel?!?!

So I just found out that because they are remodeling my fiance's GameStop it will be closed for around 6 months! I am freaking out, I know its early for that and all but still. He said that they will be sending him to different stores but I have this horrible feeling that he is going to be out of work. I am so worried that the money we saved for the wedding is going to have to be spent. I don't have the heart to tell him to go look for another job in the mean time but what else am I supposed to do. He has to work at the Sushi restuarant at least 30 hours a week and that will only being in 210 dollars every two weeks, its barely enough to pay all of the bills and leaves no extra money for gas or for food. I don't know whats going to happen but I am definetly freaking worried at this point, and trying not to panic.
 

CHA-CHING!!!

Yesterday was my first official day of waitressing and getting my full 40% of tips for the night (while training I was only getting 10%) and talk about a difference! I mean WOW! So we had 4 guys from the New Jersey Nets come in and order a TON of sushi (they were big guys though so thats to be expected) well they also graciously left a HUGE tip! I was ecstatic. Not to mention I have never been that close to a real athlete before. I was pouring it on a little thick but I guess it worked. They ended up tipping me and the sushi bar. We later that night had three Hungarian girls come in with their two guys friends. They are the dentist to Mike so they got a free meal but they too left a great tip. Plus it was really good to chat with them. I kind of got in trouble at the end of the night because I kind of got in trouble at the end of the night because of it but I still say it was worth it. The only thing that's really been a problem for me at the restaurant is that I HATE, and I don't use that word lightly, HATE vacuuming.

For some reason I am always stuck between the two of us, being the one that vacuums. I mean the area to vacuum isn't even all that large or anything its just that I freaking hate vacuuming. All things considered though I guess its not that bad. And again the tips were freaking amazing last night. I am actually getting off of job one early so I can help out more today since we are expecting to be even more busy then we were yesterday. In total I walked out last night with $98 in cash in my purse. I am hoping I walk out with just as much tonight if not more. Granted I will only be waitressing one day a week on average unless someone calls in sick or needs a day off but still that's an extra $100 bucks in my pocket if the day is good on top of my minimum wage salary AND all pretty much tax free. ^-^ That actaully ends up coming out to more then I am making right now at job 1 which is a little scary. Though with benefits and days off job one wins hands down.

Blonde Hair Blue-eyed American Sushi Chef?!?!

 
So while washing dishes at the Sushi restaurant it occurred to me that the last time Curtis and I ate there Mike had mentioned needing another sushi chef and how he needs someone smart and does Curtis know anyone like that. Half hinting basically if Curtis wanted the job. At the time it was out of the question, Gamestop was giving Curtis plenty of hours and the sushi chef spot only paid minimum wage.

Well lately GameStop has only been giving Curtis between 16-20 hours a week which is bringing in all of about $200 dollars a paycheck which is barely enough for him to survive off of. It was okay before but since he now has a credit card he has to pay off for the dental stuff and one last months worth of rent to pay, the bills are kind of piling up big time. Not to mention that their store is about to go through being remodeled. This means that the two stores that are in the mall are going to become one and all the employees (or at least most) are going to get separated and distributed among the rest of the stores in the area. That ultimately means that Curtis is probably going to get even less hours than he is getting now. Plus with the store being closed for the remodel that means less hours again. Apparently there will be at least one week where he will be working 40 hours which is awesome (thought he is going to go nuts with school going on at the same time).

SO! with all that going on and my brain on fire because I really hate the thought of not having a steady income I spoke to Iako (Mike's wife) who works in the back with me as a cook and asked her if the position was still open. She has a hard time understanding English so I was hoping my point went through. She said she would talk to Mike about it and a little later in the night she told me that Curtis would have to quit GameStop if he wanted the position.

Now THAT is the hard part. Curtis is getting health insurance through that job and is making more than minimum wage which is what he would be paid starting out as the Sushi chef. Not to mention Curtis all around likes working there (but mainly when the numbers are good). So... here comes me and my trying to convince him. Yes he would lose the insurance if he quits the job however once he and I are married he will be going on my health insurance anyways so its not going to matter. He is getting most of his dental work done now so that part is already used up. His inhaler doesn't cost that much and he can get another one before the insurance runs out. Now comes the money part. If he does only make 7.50 an hour as a sushi chef he should still be getting tips, this means that as long as he works an 8 hour shift he only has to make 12 dollars in tips that night to make it round up to him making 9 an hour. Not to mention the tips would be tax free.

Well after explaining all that to Curtis he still doesn't want to let go of GameStop (ugh!) but he has some good reasons behind it. First off as the sushi chef Curtis will only be working part time with Mike on certain days. So that may end up as even less money then he is making now. Mike's Sushi is also closed on Mondays which means he could at least work at GameStop on that day.

Now all of this will be easy in the summer time when Curtis is out of school my big concern will be what is going to happen to his classes and his grades once he starts the Fall semester back up again with this many hours.

Mike also said something to me while I was putting dishes away, he said Curtis keeps his promise and I keep my promise. I'm not exactly sure what that means but Curtis will be talking to Mike this week Wednesday. Curtis did actually talk to him some over the weekend while a bunch of us at the restaurant were out at another sushi bar (one that serves sushi till 3am!) The problem was Mike was a little intoxicated at that point and I was hanging out with our group so I wasn't aware of much of the conversation. Mike did however offer to buy me a drink and to put my tab on his card which I greatly appreciated. Curtis got a bottle of Sake which was actually quite good and I got my usual Jagger bomb. I had to start order Curtis food because he was gone VERY quickly. Mike ended up leaving and kissed the three girls there on the cheek (one being his daughter and one being me). We ended the night with a drink called an oatmeal cookie which really did taste like an oatmeal cookie but boy did it have a kick after wards.

Curtis and I went home and both of us were pretty happy but very tired. I can't quite remember if it was that night or the day before that he said something to me along the lines of Mike's is going to have a blond hair blue eyed sushi chef, that's funny. And I think if this does work out its going to be freaking awesome.

Anxiety/Prozac/Teeth/Apartment Hunting Update

So its about day 4 on Prozac for me and I haven't really noticed a whole lot of difference other then shear exhaustion.

On Friday I did my normal 8 hour work day and went straight to the sushi restaurant to wash dishes till 10:30pm. Came home pretty tired but the girl I work with at the Sushi restaurant (Kate) had been feeling really down so I invited her over. We had a few shots of rum (I only had about 3) and we ended up staying up till 4:30 am. At some point along that time we made a trip to Wal-Mart and picked up a couple of steaks which tasted quite bad actually and cooked those up on the stove with some mushrooms. Kate's cooking was good just the quality of the meat was bad. Curtis at that point was asleep on the couch so I put him to bed. Kate and I stayed up talking for a bit before she left.

Kate being silly:

The next morning I was tired but slept in some. I can't really remember what all we did that day but I know Curtis had work and so did I at 6pm again washing dishes. I was really exhausted that day too. I went to work and just kind of felt awful. I hurt my back lifting dishes and I had to ask for some motrin and I left my Xanax in my other purse which did not help seeing as my anxiety was flaring up. It seems like on top of making me exhausted the 10 mg last till a little after 8pm and that's it. They sent me home at 10:15 which was normal.

When I got home I just laid on the bed and Curtis being Curtis of course rubbed my back to make it feel better while I was half unconscious after taking a Xanax as soon as I got home. Well my back felt better after a little rubbing and I went to wash the stink of the kitchen off of me. I got out of the shower wrapped my hair up in a towel along with my body and it felt really cold because the fans were blowing (we live in Florida so its already getting to be 80 degrees in the house) so I crawled underneath the quilt on my bed to curl up just for a minute and before I knew it I was OUT, literally like a light. I mean someone flipped the switch and I was dead to the world. I know I pretty much was out like that because when I woke up it was at like god knows what early AM I had taken up the middle of the bed and Curtis was sleeping on my side of the bed half curled up. I was shocked I had just passed out like that. I unwrapped my still damp hair threw both the towels on the floor made Curtis switch spots so we were in our normal positions and just fell right back to sleep. Curtis told me the next day that he was gently shaking me trying to make me get up but that I didn't even respond. Now THAT NEVER happens. If someone so much as touches me for the most part I wake up startled. If Curtis is moving around the bed too much I tend to wake up.

Sunday rolled around took my normal Prozac in the morning and spent the day with Curtis for the most part since he didn't have to work, and neither did I. But again, all day long I was soooo exhausted! It didn't help come Monday I was still just as tired.

So last night we switched it up and I took the Prozac (still only 10 mg) last night. I was still a little tired this morning but not nearly as bad as yesterday however I am feeling a few small waves of anxiety coming around. I am trying to avoid taking a Xanax today if possible, I really don't want to end up getting hooked or something. In a couple of days my dosage will be up to 20 mg so it will hopefully last all day and not make me completely exhausted either. As far as moods go nothing seems to have changed at all really.

On a whole different note, only one week till Curtis sees the dentist! wooo!

On yet another different note:
It looks like our jerk roommate Charlie is going to move in together with his girlfriend and two other friends once the lease is up and I am now thinking about trying to convince them to move into the apartments we are in now so that way Curtis and I can just move out into our own place. A couple of problems arise with that though. One will the apartment complex let us sign our names off the lease and allow the other guys to put their names on it. Two Curtis and I will have to have some money saved up so we can pay the deposit/security/turn the electric on etc. And I REALLY don't want to have to use my damn wedding money for it. Third we need to find a place NOT in the ghetto for around 650-700 dollars that has a washer dryer hook up and is close enough for his work, my work, and his school. He really doesn't like driving long ways which is part of the problem. Oh and of course in the mean time we would have to find time to pack with both of us working and him going to school. So yeah... not sure how great that would work out. What I would really like is to find a house that we could rent but I know that is REALLY stretching it. First and foremost I have to see if the room mate will even go with the idea.

Prozac Day 1

I took my first 10mg pill of Prozac this morning. Nothing really seems different I may be slightly more jittery but then again I also had sugar this morning so its kind of hard to tell if the Prozac is the cause of it. It felt really weird waking up and the first thing on my list of things to do was to take a pill. That is going to take some getting used to. I still have the Xanax on hand if I have a flare up and I ended up taking a whole one (.5 mg) last night and while yes it calmed me down what it mainly did was just make me very sleepy. But, again, that may also be because I had to wake up extra early that morning so its hard to tell.

On another note, I looked at the receipt for the cost my prescriptions and while I know I have really awesome insurance the cost of generic Xanax is ridiculous, but in a GOOD way! the cost for 30 pills was a whopping $2.70!!! Now the Prozac wasn't much more expensive either they were both $6-$7 bucks. I say both because I got two prescriptions for it, one was for a 30 count 10mg dosage and the other was for a 30 count 20mg dosage. Basically after I am on 10mg for a week I switch it up a notch and stay on 20mg after that. *note: my feet are bouncing away as I write this, so maybe it is more then the sugar*

Curtis and I ended up having an argument last night about his job. I really think he needs to look for another job because for the third week in a row they have given him less than 20 hours. He only makes $9 an hour to begin with and while I know the house costs are all taken care of because of the loans from his school, the other costs, like the last month of rent, my credit card we used for his teeth, car insurance, phone, and saving up for the wedding are not covered. Not to mention his loans are going to run out soon which means he will have to get a full time job regardless to be able to pay for the house. I keep sending him some part time positions that he could work and still keep his current job but its like he always comes up with some excuse a to why not to take it. I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh on him. I just have a hard time seeing him move up in that company and I worry that he has become so comfortable there that he is never going to want to leave. 

My 4 Day Weekend (Day 2 & 3)

So to continue the story...

On Saturday we headed over to the Dean warehouse and we got a tour of the factory along with free pizza mmmm pizza! It was really neat to see that this giant warehouse had not only all the machinery in the back to make the guitars but to actually see some of the guys that work there sand the guitars by hand.

 

The one guitar the gentleman is working on was actually given out in a raffle, we didn't win. That was okay though it was still neat just to watch. They send the guitars out to be painted and then they ship everything back the guys there said it can take around 3 months if not more just to get your order in, but by the looks of some of those guitars it is well worth the wait. 

We also saw some of the guys working on repairing guitars, under someones workbench I found what I call the guitar graveyard:

Michael Angelo Batio later did a Q & A and his overall statement as far as playing fast on the guitars goes is to Practice Practice practice. He was actually a lot of fun to listen to. He seems like an overall very down to earth guy and a performer whether playing his guitar or not. 

The last bit of the day around 3pm one of the guys that goes to DOA Steve does a huge fundraiser for the Metropolitain Ministries. I thought this was sooo sweet and it really does hit him right at the heart. Curtis and I both donated and a lot of people did as well, and even if you didn't donate you were given a ticket for a chance to win some neat stuff. What I found interesting was that he asked ME, of all people there, to be the one who pulls the raffle tickets! I have talked in front of an audience before as an announcer but this was the first time I did it with a group that big and that didn't involve school. Needless to say I had a blast doing it and I am kind of hoping he will ask me again next year. One of the guitars a gentleman won was gorgeous, I don't actually know a lot about guitars but just take a look:

Again, Curtis and I didn't win anything but it was all for a good cause so I can't complain. 

Around 4pm we unfortunately had to leave because both Curtis and I had to go to work. Curtis was working at Gamestop as usual and the old Sushi place he used to work at asked if I could wash dishes, and of course I am not about to say no. I made a whopping $30 bucks for 4 hours of work, but again, its extra income so I can't complain. What I can complain about though is that one of the waiters just had such a poor attitude that night, that and I managed to not once but twice get water down my shirt.

I came home wet, smelling gross, around 11pm with a super achy back but I had money in my pocket and its going towards the wedding so I am a happy camper. They also asked me to go back next Friday at the same time so I guess I couldn't have done too bad of a job. Maybe this can turn in to a regular thing. 

Sunday:

Sunday was overall uneventful. I hung out around the house I didn't do much y back hurt Curtis went to work and I didn't even touch eBay because I needed a break from it. We did some grocery shopping and poof our day was over.

Therapy Today

So today is my appointment with the therapist. Only 2.5 hours till work day is over and then only 3.5 hours till I go have a chat. *sigh*

I really don't feel like bringing up my past if its possible, which really its not. I just want some medication that will make my anxiety go away for the time being. As soon as I have this money situation more under control it won't be such a big deal. But with teeth, wedding, car, moving, etc. on my brain 24/7 its starting to get to me. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about moving until 2 months before the end of September but its like I can't help myself which is exactly why I want something to calm my brain down a little. My big concern though with taking any medication is that I am going to end up looking acting and feeling like a zombie which for my job is not going to work seeing as they hired me to be "perky".


It looks like we might get even MORE money back from Curtis's insurance plan which is great news but not guaranteed.

I had a long chat about religion with a co-worker which was nice she siad she would keep us in her prayers which I also thought was nice of her to say.

I need to be able to focus more at work. I need to get more work done. 

Therapist - Anxiety

My appointment is set for Thursday with the therapist. I keep thinking, "oh its okay I feel better this week so I can just cancel". In the mean time I am still having to do the - take a deep breath and exhale slowly routine. The more I think about the dentist and my credit cards and Curtis' school costs the more it feels like something is tightening across my chest.

I am still having a horrible time concentrating at work too. I really hope whatever they suggests help. I don't want to go back on Welbutrin XL because I don't really believe that I am depressed. I mean I have bouts of being down but nothing that lasts more then a couple of days and it doesn't come up too often so I think I am okay in that department. I am kind of hoping for some kind of medication I can just take when things feel like they are getting bad and I just need something to relax myself a bit. I don't really know if something like that even exists. I mean I know there is daily medication for that kind of thing but I really don't want to have to take yet another pill (birth control pill is the other pill) every day.

I keep thinking maybe I should cancel or just not show up but the appointment will only be $15 and if I can get them to prescribe me something quickly I think it wouldn't be so bad. That is probably not a good way to look at it but oh well.

For now I am just going to focus on keeping my appointment and hopefully nothing will sway me for actually going to it this time. 

Money - Dentist

So Curtis is not getting as much money back from his loans as I originally thought.

I asked him the other day if he would mind for us not to get married just yet and pay for his teeth out of pocket. I told him I understand that if getting married is the only way we can fix his teeth that I would understand but I really would like a wedding. So right now we are still not getting married and we are trying to come up with around $6,500 to pay for his teeth. Now I think we are well withing our means to be able to do this its just a matter of how much of it do we want to try and finance and through what company.

I think he should go to our bank at Suntrust and see if he can get a decent sized credit card there that has free interest for like the next 12 months so we can pay the whole thing off before interest hits. Right now he has one card but the limit is a whopping $500 (it actually might be less). My big concern is that he won't be able to get a bigger card because of how little he makes every year. I'm worried the credit card company will not consider his loans as a part of his income. I guess we'll just have to wait and see on that one.


The Dentist also gave us the option of having everything with his teeth fixed in one big swoop and wanted to know if we wanted sedation dentistry. I think its a good idea but then we have to pay up front two weeks in advance, and fill out paper work. Another option is that we just give him nitrous but I am sooo worried about all the pain he is going to be in.


We are going to talk about how all to pay for this, one way or another his is going to get it done even if it means paying out more from my own pocket. What I am really hoping is that they give him a good credit card so he can start building credit, pay it off month by month till is next line of student loans come in, pay of the remainder with the student loans and poof we will not have to worry about the card. The only thing at that point we will have to worry about is how we are going to pay for the rest of his school if he does run out of loans over the next year.

Lost it Last Night

So last night I kind of lost it, BIG TIME! As soon as I got home Curtis was leaving to go to work (not uncommon) we kiss and say our goodbyes and 2 minutes later he walks back into the house. His car battery just died... so my brain goes in two directions, oh good god we just spend almost $1500 last month fixing the car what could it possibly be now and the other one was okay I have to take him to work because he is already running late. Well the take him to work part of my brain took over and I grabbed everything and dropped him off. Everything was honky-dorey. So I am driving back home not really thinking about the car just that, boo, I will have to go out again at 9:30 to pick him up and I am no longer in any kind of a mood to cook. Luckily I had half a wrap and some chili left over from lunch so Curtis would have something to eat when he comes home.

So I go and pick Curtis up from work (in the mean time I made brownies but they didn't turn out all that tasty). So I'm waiting, still keeping in mind that the car is dead but its just not really hitting me yet. We drive home and as soon as we pull up next to his car and I realize that instead of going upstairs I have to be down here giving his car a jump hoping and praying that it will start.  <--- Right around there is where I start losing it.

My brain then decides to go into overdrive again with money issues. Like how Curtis never has a set amount of hours at work so we never have a set amount of money coming in each week, how his job, after school is over, is going to be just like that, him working on one project then another, and in the mean time me praying that we have enough money between projects to pay for all the bills. My brain then jumps over to holy crap I don't want to raise kids who are going to end up hearing about me always worried if the next dollar is coming in because dad can't get a gig right now or will he be able to find part time work in the mean time. Then it goes to since Curtis and I have met nothing involving money has been stable, there is always something new popping up. After that all I could think about is how fate/god/whatever doesn't want me to marry Curtis and that's why things keep popping up, so we will never have enough money for a wedding.

So as all this is going on Curtis is jumping the car I refuse to open my car door to listen to him and I all together just don't want to listen, see or have anything to do with him. I throw a tantrum for pretty much the rest of the night. I refuse to tell him what is wrong but I do tell him hits nothing he did. I tell him to go upstairs and eat dinner and I sit in my car just crying a little. I feel like the only stability we are ever going to have is going to come from me and that I have to work even harder to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Its just getting so tiresome for me, I should be able to count on him for some kind of stability in the future.

I do finally tell him that I don't think we have any stability in the relationship and that I am worried we never have and never will. I know its not like he can snap his fingers and make everything better but I just kept thinking to myself life shouldn't be this hard ALL the time. I'm 26 years old and I have what feels like no stability in my life, just chaos.

I end up going to bed upset and he and I talk a little bit more but not much really, I ask him not to touch me because I am warm (which was only half true). I always try and think of something positive even if things seem like they are never going to rise up out of the gutter. So I think really hard to myself if I can just think of one stable thing that is there since we started dating it wouldn't all be that bad. So I think and it hits me that really the only thing there is is the love we have for one another, I know its never faltered on my end and I am pretty sure it never has on his either since the day we met. I am trying to hold on to that little bit of stability but its hard. I think he is crying but I'm too tired to deal with it and I just keep trying to fall asleep.

I wake up around 6am-ish (a normal thing for me) turn to him and cuddle him for a while. My brain has finally stopped going into over drive. I tell him I love him he says it back and I turn around and get a little bit more sleep before I have to be up at 7:30am and start getting ready for work.

By the time both of us are up last night is in the past and I have moved on, I am just hoping he did the same too.

Debt and Anxiety

This seems to keep happening to me at least once a week...

I sit down and start counting my nickles and dimes (okay mainly pennies) and it just doesn't add up. I have to pay off my two credit cards before Curtis no longer gets loans from school in which case he will have no way to pay for rent, I have to try and save $4,000-$5,000 for a wedding I would like to have sometime this year, and I need another $10,000 to fix curtis' teeth.

Now the credit cards aren't be cause I am some irresponsible slob, I owe about $9,500 total, one card was used to pay for things during my time in college and the other help pay for my gastric bypass. I have been paying slightly over the minimum on each since I have gotten the cards but stupid me keeps buying things here and there like gas for the car or a pizza. I think I am going to have to take the plunge and cut up both of the cards. Now if I continue making the same payments as I am now I will have both cards paid off in about 5 or so years... that is not in time before Curtis runs out of money. I am currently paying $160 a month on one card and $130 on another if I can reduce my monthly bill by 300 bucks I think I would be able to carry a small apartment for the both of us if Curtis can't find a full time job right away.

We are moving out of the apartments we are in at the beginning of October so yes we are WAYS off from that but I also know that Curtis has the rent paid up until that time.

So the goal is to find an apartment that can fit all of Curtis's stuff and my clothes and is in a somewhat decent neighborhood not too far away from his school or work (I work in Tampa so it doesn't much matter) all for around $650 bucks... Now I know I can get an apartment for that amount. I know I can get an apartment for that amount and have it be a good size, I am NOT sure if I can find an apartment (or house but that is pushing it) for that amount that size and in a good neighborhood. I know no matter what the apartments will not be as nice as the ones we are in now but I do NOT want to live in the ghetto. I don't want to live there because 1) its the ghetto and 2) I know I will just want to move again in a year which I really want to stop doing. (I moved almost every year since I've come down to Florida and I have been here since the 3rd grade).

Now the wedding is partially paid for, we have about $2,000 saved up, or we will by the end of this month. I applied to a telemarketing part-time position (YUCK) but I haven't heard back from them as of yet. So we will see if that pans out at all.

As far as Curtis' teeth go I think he will have to end up going to a dental school and have it done little by little because I just don't think I can handle getting into even more debt at this point.

If I could just get rid of my car too that would help. I have a 2010 Toyota Yaris that I am paying $280 a month on and another $172 for insurance.

There has got to be a way to do this I just need to figure it out. Until then my anxiety levels have been sky rocketing. I am not as sweet to  Curtis who doesn't deserve me being like that and I just overall feel depressed. Now this mood comes and goes but I am tired of it popping up almost once a week to two weeks. I just need to figure out how to make more money and make it VERY quickly. Or at least within the next few month.

Selling Clothes , Transformers, and dealing with Taxes

So the girl who is banging my ex-fiance and is married but in an open marriage came over tonight to go through my closet and see if she wanted to buy any clothes. Granted I did invite her over myself so I shouldn't be too upset but the whole things still felt weird to me. I don't know if she knows that I know about her and Geoff's relationship or not, but whatever. I sold all the clothes at a very low and reasonable price. She only gave me $30 and still owes me another $125 but I know where she lives so I am not too worried about it.

My sales on eBay are doing great I am jut worried because now I can't seem to find the paper with the code on it for the amazon gift card. Curtis is at GameStop working right now so I don't want to bug him. He has been selling Transformers online right now and so far he has sold 3 but all for a very good price. I bought another ring set off of EBay which I am going to see if I can pawn for more then what I paid for it and see if I can sell Geoff's ring while I am at it.

In a strange way I wonder if Geoff is actually who is going to be paying for the clothes and he is just having Nici pick them up, but to be honest I don't think Nici is all that clever. 

No matter what we have a way of income headed towards us.

 I did my taxes today too and oh my god that turned out terrible. I thought I was going to get a ton of money back but it ended up that I only got back $520 bucks. Thank god Curtis got back over $2,000 which is all going towards the wedding which at the rate we are going is actually going to be paid for. I just need to make sure I can keep up the selling and saving and everything else.

Tonight we are supposed to be going to party, I'm not really in the mood but its free and it means we get to go out without spending a bunch of cash. I just want to sleep and not really deal with things but I know right now its not an option.

I just hope we can keep rolling the money in like we have been.

Teeth and Rings

Okay so I am beyond stressed out right now!!! I'm at work and I just want to break down and cry. First off my Ex-Fiance Geoff wants the ring he gave me back (which in a way ins understandable) because he lost his job and now needs to turn it in so they don't come after him for it. I am very sad to lose the ring and it was kind of my only insurance policy in case something terrible happens so I kind of feel like the tiny little cushion I had is now going to disappear.

I know I told him I would give him the ring back if he asked for it and I am going to keep my word but it hurts my feelings too, I know I should be over it and just move on but I had to give up another ring he gave me so we could get this one.

I think for at least a little while he and I won't be speaking. I'm sure he feels bad for having to take the ring back but I don't care. He should have had some money saved up or something in case of an emergency. *sigh* I feel like if one more thing goes wrong today I am going to flip out. I half feel like I should just take the rest of the day off because my nerves are on edge. Its only 10:30 right now and I know I should just hold out as long as I can.

The bigger issue is Curtis' teeth. He finally went to my dentist this morning only to find out that his insurance only covers $500 a year worth of dental work. How much dental work does he need? Oh just over $10,000. He said he is going to go to his bank and see what they can do for him but really its pointless because someone who makes only $9 an hour and works part time is not going to get a loan that freaking big from his bank not without like a 28% interest on it, but really I just don't see the bank giving him the loan. I just have no idea how we are going to afford all this, really we can't. And his poor mouth is going to rot away and are just going to get worse.

Even though he is getting money from his school loans even that is not going to be enough to cover this expense. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. And once again I feel like fate is telling me not to have a wedding because I am going to have this enormous bill to pay. I know its not like the bill will be my sole responsibility but I just feel so helpless and I hate that.

I just don't know what we are going to do. Poor Curtis probably feels worse than I do. I know he just wants the problem with his mouth fixed already.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle...