Wellbutrin - Day 1

I visited my therapist yesterday and broke the news to her that I took myself off of the prozac because I started to feel really lethargic and it was making it so I got nothing done around the house or work or anywhere.

We talked for a little bit and after some convincing she decided we should try Wellbutrin because it helped me when I was depressed in the past. It does nothing for anxiety but I still have the xanax in case of emergency. On the plus side its supposed to help me lose weight (yeah right) and is supposed to help me focus better.

Today was my first day on it and for the next three days I am only taking 150mg and after that I bump it up to 300mg.

When I went to the pharmacy they said my insurance company had a little issue with me taking that pill because it is expensive on their end I guess (even though I get the generic) so the pharmacy has to contact my doctor who has to contact my insurance company to explain/convince them I need to take that medicine in particular. If she cannot convince them I will end up not being able to pick up the prescription because we won't be able to afford it.

 

Bye Bye Prozac

So a couple of days ago I decided to take myself off of Prozac. Why? Because while I hate feeling jittery and anxious it makes me feel a lot better then being depressed. I noticed that I had started to become incredibly lethargic. I mean I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I just wanted to sleep I wasn't interested in anything and all together just felt like poo.

I am now practically bouncing around by my cubicle, still not getting any actual work done (which will eventually come and bite me in the rear) but I feel better and as far as my personal life is concerned (the wedding) I am being far more productive. So much so I found two dresses I actually sorta like but am still hoping to find something better.

One of my coworkers even offered to come with me to a bridal show on Sunday if Curtis couldn't make it because of work. 

Speaking of work they just called me to tell me I won't need to come in today. It kind of sucks though cause it means less money in the wedding fund which has me a little worried. We have soooo close to $2,000 saved and that means just another $2,000 to go to have a nice small wedding.

I am kind of nervous as to what my therapist has to say about e taking myself off the Prozac but oh well I rather feel jittery then depressed any day. I am also currently not on birth control just because I haven't went and picked up my prescription yet and in a way it feels kind of nice to not have to pop a pill every day.
 

Therapist M.D. - Prozac & Xanax

This morning was my meeting with the M.D. to see if I would be put on medication for my anxiety. Of course nothing can be done easily, my car ride to Brandon was insane because I am battling with traffic and people are all around trying to kill each other. When I do get there after filling out a couple pages worth of patient information they tell me that I have to be recommended by my primary care physician otherwise they will have to charge me the full amount. Now I do not now nor have I for a while had a primary care physician. I had to call up my insurance company and ask them (after two attempts at getting through to someone) that I am seeing and M.D. Psychiatrist and I do not have a PCP so am I going to get charged, she of course said no and that the co pay was $15. Now I have a bad feeling that this will end up coming back and biting me in the butt and I will end up getting billed for a couple hundred bucks down the road. But what I am hoping is that they recorded the conversation and have it on file, which I know is a long shot.

My appointment was scheduled for 8:45 to meet with the doc (had to be there at 8:15 to fill out paperwork) but of course I had to ask them how much longer it would be once the clock hit 9am. Not even two minutes later the doc poked her head out and I was in the room talking to her.

She seemed very nice caring straight forward asked appropriate questions. (very much NOT like my last visit). I felt pretty comfortable with her. I have another meeting with her in 6 weeks and until then she has prescribed me prozac and xanax as needed.

Now I was suprised about the prescription for Prozac and I didn't really want to be stuck on taking a pill every day but she did mention that it may help me lose weight have more energy in the morning and it will help with anxiety. The bad news is that it takes 6-8 weeks to take effect. I have heard some pretty bad stories about prozac too which is a little scary. For the time being I am just going to see if my attitude changes (for the worse) and let her know what is up.

The xanax I pretty much knew I would be getting. Its mainly there as a "break glass in case of an emergency" if my anxiety start to realy flare up during the day. Again I can deal with having an anxiety attack at home but I am worried like crazy that I will have one at work and they will fire me or something crazy like that.

I am also hoping that either of these medications will allow me to concentrate better at work and motivate me to get my work done. Whether either medication will actually do that is still a mystery.

So far I have taken a half of a xanax just to see how I would feel. (a half of a .5 mg dose) I feel just kind of sleepy like when I don't get enough sleep and my eyes are droopy, thats about it though nothing special or bad.

I just hope in the long run this will straighten me out a bit until the money situation is more under control.

Babies, Therapists, Teeth, Interview (but not in that order)

I GOT TO HOLD A BABY TODAY! She was all of about 2-3 HOURS old! Why I am I going nuts and writings that in caps? Because it is the first time I have ever held a baby in my life. It was too strange! My hand were like twice the size of her head (my hand laid out flat I mean). She was just wriggling in my arms and being super cute. We got a text yesterday from Dwayne saying Rene went into labor at about 7 am. Now this is a surprise because the baby wasn't due until the beginning of March. Poor Rene was in Labor for 20 hours! Well our job was to watch her two other boys (ages 14, 6) over night which was very interesting because I have never met either of the two boys and I while I had met Dwayne once I have never met Rene or been to their house. But hey they are Curtis' long time friends and even though Curtis and Rene had an affair while she was married to Dwayne (and yes Dwayne knows about it because they then had a 3-some) I know Curtis said we would be there if they needed us. Oh and of course I got a picture of me and the baby along with a picture of Curtis and the Baby:

 

(He looks very natural holding her, I think.)

I am WAY tired today at work because the youngest son was sleeping in the same bed as us and the light was on in the room ALL night which meant little to no sleep for the both of us.

I had an interview yesterday for a weekend receptionist position at Brandon Ford and it would have been absolutely perfect for me. The lady that was supposed to interview me though had to leave early that day because she got sick and no one told me so I just filled out the usual papers and handed them in. The girl told me a little about the job and it all sounded good and she said she would have Susanna (the sick lady) call me back for a second interview but I have yet to hear anything. :( I think part of the reason is because of how much I make at this job and they might think I will expect the same amount. But who knows maybe she is still just sick and hasn't had time.

As far as other jobs go I will be washing dishes at Mike's Sushi this Saturday from 6pm-till close for a whopping 7.50 an hour. Its not much but now that Curtis' dentist appointment is rolling up on us I can finally start putting money away for the wedding.

Curtis' first appointment with the dentist is on the 22nd where he will get a cleaning and 3 fillings I am not going to be there so I hope he is okay. I will be paying them Friday (tomorrow) $6,532 with money and credit card. I think I might cry a little when I hand the money over. Then he goes in the 8th of March to get the major work done which I have to take a day off of work from.

I have a meeting with a therapist (the one Justin recommended) on the 24th, now this will be the actual MD that can prescribe me something for my anxiety (Curtis and I had a fight last night again about money right before we went to take care of the kids). I really do hope the doctor gives me something. I didn't actually get to go with the one Justin went to because he doesn't take Aetna Insurance but if recommended I will be going to his counseling therapist. Again, I am worried about my meeting. It also hasn't been approved at work for the time off for the teeth and this. I am worried I am taking too much time off of work too soon. Hopefully my boss is just busy which is why he hasn't replied back to me.

Not sure if we are spending another night with the kids or not. I guess I should ask.

Therapy Session = Bad First Date

Yesterday at 7pm I went in for my first counseling session with a therapist. And lets just say that went TERRIBLY! The guy was nice enough by all means just completely useless as far as my anxiety is concerned. I didn't want to get into my past but I did a little. He asked me some general questions, took some notes, and tried to make me feel comfortable. It just ended up feeling like a bad first date where there was not connection made. He said that I should concentrate on my breathing when the anxiety starts up, breathing from my diaphragm and not my chest and sssslllllllloooooowwwwllllyyy letting it out... I could have looked this up on WebMD! not to mention I was already taking deep breaths when I can, I say when I can because sometimes it gets so bad I can't even catch a full breath.

 His other suggestion to me was to tense a muscle group for a while and then release it and this should help with muscle tone as well as the anxiety... not a terrible suggestion, again one I was already aware of, but if I am tense throughout most of my body to begin with I again don't think that will be too helpful.

And that was it. That is all he suggested for me...

No medication no nothing. On top of it all he also said that he doesn't think he will be seeing me again. Uh... WHAT?!?! He said I have very realistic reasons for having the anxiety I have and I am doing everything in my power to resolve them. I should focus on the fact I have someone wonderful in my life and try to focus on something else when my mind starts to spin about finances. Again, not bad advice just not particularly helpful either.

I just felt at the end of the session that it was just such a waste of my time.

I talked to Justin a little last night and a little more today and he said he would call up his psychiatrist for me along with his therapist and see if maybe they can help. I am really hoping they will be able to.

Therapy Today

So today is my appointment with the therapist. Only 2.5 hours till work day is over and then only 3.5 hours till I go have a chat. *sigh*

I really don't feel like bringing up my past if its possible, which really its not. I just want some medication that will make my anxiety go away for the time being. As soon as I have this money situation more under control it won't be such a big deal. But with teeth, wedding, car, moving, etc. on my brain 24/7 its starting to get to me. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about moving until 2 months before the end of September but its like I can't help myself which is exactly why I want something to calm my brain down a little. My big concern though with taking any medication is that I am going to end up looking acting and feeling like a zombie which for my job is not going to work seeing as they hired me to be "perky".


It looks like we might get even MORE money back from Curtis's insurance plan which is great news but not guaranteed.

I had a long chat about religion with a co-worker which was nice she siad she would keep us in her prayers which I also thought was nice of her to say.

I need to be able to focus more at work. I need to get more work done. 

Therapist - Anxiety

My appointment is set for Thursday with the therapist. I keep thinking, "oh its okay I feel better this week so I can just cancel". In the mean time I am still having to do the - take a deep breath and exhale slowly routine. The more I think about the dentist and my credit cards and Curtis' school costs the more it feels like something is tightening across my chest.

I am still having a horrible time concentrating at work too. I really hope whatever they suggests help. I don't want to go back on Welbutrin XL because I don't really believe that I am depressed. I mean I have bouts of being down but nothing that lasts more then a couple of days and it doesn't come up too often so I think I am okay in that department. I am kind of hoping for some kind of medication I can just take when things feel like they are getting bad and I just need something to relax myself a bit. I don't really know if something like that even exists. I mean I know there is daily medication for that kind of thing but I really don't want to have to take yet another pill (birth control pill is the other pill) every day.

I keep thinking maybe I should cancel or just not show up but the appointment will only be $15 and if I can get them to prescribe me something quickly I think it wouldn't be so bad. That is probably not a good way to look at it but oh well.

For now I am just going to focus on keeping my appointment and hopefully nothing will sway me for actually going to it this time.