Feeling Blue

So I was going through facebook and it seems yet another one of my fellow High school graduates got their masters/Doctoral degree. I'm happy for them and everything but at the same time... I really want to go back to school so I can get my graduate degree in psychology and get a real job. It still tough for me to sit here every day as a receptionist while I have what seems to be a useless BA hanging over my head along with the loans that came with it. I started looking at SPC courses but even their certificate programs are like 18+ credit hours total and with a full time job and no additional income coming our way it doesn't seem realistic that I could take or even pass the class. Not to mention that the few certificates they offer I am not really interested in perusing as job. 


I know in time I will be able to go back to school but in the mean time I would also like to start a family. The girl that just graduated has two kids and a husband who was in the marines and I guess isn't serving anymore or who knows. 


I want like 10 years of my life back but in that same regard I wouldn't want to give up what I have gained. 


Speaking of Gain... I am back on my diet as of today. I basically decided to go off of it one because I am a fat slob and two because my birthday and our vacation (which was wonderful) were coming up. 


I wish dieting wasn't so hard for me. I wish I could motivate myself to just wake up early and exercise or just stay late and exercise but I can't seem to do that. I have dieted and failed and disappointed myself and my mother so many times with dieting that I think part of me has almost given up. I keep looking at wedding dresses that are probably way too small and I will never fit into in a million years but those are the only ones that I actually think look nice. 


My mom said she will help with the wedding and it makes my skin crawl a little because all I can imagine is her saying oh you spent my money on this stupid thing or that stupid thing once she actually goes to the wedding. We only have about $550 dollars left after we pay off orange blossom and that money has to pay for my dress a tux the church makeup hair jewelry dj limo photographer.... etc. I mean I know we will be putting more away as the time goes along till the wedding but i am really starting to get worried its not going to be enough. 


Oh and have I mentioned my anxiety is through the roof the past couple of days thinking about all this?... yeah... 

That Was So Scary I Almost Pooped Myself

I just made a little boo-boo at work... No one was hurt but I almost jumped out of my skin. 

We have some nutella in the fridge, why is in the fridge when it will only turn rock hard? I have no idea. So I think OKAY! I will microwave it a little and make it softer. Well low and behold the top part of the opening still had the tiniest of tinfoil on it. The inside of the microwave turned freaking BLUE! Bright Blue and started making static noises. Needless to say I snatched it out of the microwave shut the door put the nutella back in the firdge and walked away quietly... but man was that scary. I hope the microwave still works.
 

Stressed - Wedding & Work

This past week I have been beyond stressed out over the wedding. The time is really starting to count down now and I have yet to make a single decision as far as the wedding is concerned. Oh well except for the date but if I keep making decisions as slowly as I have been that's going to have to change too. 

The biggest issue I am running into is that for the life of me I cannot decide on a dress and I don't really have anyone to go dress shopping with me so I am at it alone and just send pictures to friends and ask them which the like better and in the end its like well they kind of look alike or I like this about this dress and I like that about that dress. Which in the end is very little help. The other problem I have been running into is the size. I am a 16 dress size in the the chest and a 14 in the waist. So no matter what I will have to make alterations to the dress and after I look at the pictures of myself in the dress all I can think of is that I look like a fat cow. Oh and by the way my diet... yeah stopped doing that like last week. We had free cold stone creamery ice cream day at work. They literally had the company bring in the slab they roll the ice cream on and cater to everyone in the office. I will however start my diet back up again after my vacation this month on the 24th.... my sweet sweet vacation oh how I long for you... 

We went to a tasting this weekend and I wasn't really impressed with the main courses. The appetizers the salad the side dishes were all wonderful but the two main courses were just sub par. Oh and I did make another decision I guess which is that I will have black table clothes and light yellow linens. You would think it looks like a bumble bee but it really doesn't. Now I just need to convince the guy to include the chair covers in the package deal he quoted me. In the end I don't think we have much of a choice in the venue so downtown st. pete is gonna be it. I just have to finalize the plans with the guy and hand over a butt ton of money. 

And now here comes the stress about work... 

My main job is fine same boring thing every day and I am still always scared they are going to fire me for no apparent reason (mainly due to a bad experience at a prior job). BUT the sushi job is a complete freaking mess. Curtis is no longer going to be the sushi chef because he supposedly can't remember the rolls. What we really think is going on is that their son Shawn just moved out and his only source of income is working at the sushi restuarant and we are pretty sure that his parents are paying all his bills in return for him working at the restuarant. So they are making him the dish washer which means I am out of a job. Which means that is one less source of income. I told Curtis to tell his main job he will now be available Fridays and Saturdays and if they schedule him I will work at the restuarant and on the days he has off he can work there. 

I am unfortunately getting to the point where I just no longer want to work there period but we have not bought everything for the wedding yet and we are still not at our goal of $4,000. ($3,000 of which is going for food cake a venue and linens). So realistically we are going to need more money than $4,000. 

So yeah, lots and LOTS of stress over all these things.
 

*Face Palm* - Puffy Sleeves?!?!?

So last night I ask my dear and beloved fiance... How do you envision me when you think about me walking down the isle...


Now I'm thinking, he is going to say something like elegant or regal or maybe like a princess...


WRONG!


You wanna know what he said?


He said something along the lines of wearing white (okay we're good so far) and with puffy sleeves....


Wait... What??? puffy... huh? My brain at this point was confused as to what just tumbled out of his mouth. Of all the things he could have said of all the options in the world a person can think of when thinking of their bride to be he says (with a straight face!) puffy sleeves!!!

So I start wondering to myself... does he think this is the 80's? Am I supposed to be covered from head to toe in some horrible polyester wedding gown with giant puffy sleeves like kid's floaties when they go swimming?

All I could say to him after my brain exploded a little was... really?... and he just said yeah...


Now to be fair, (honey I know you are reading this and yes I will want an explanation later) he probably meant something like this:

But even still, that is SO not me. So far all the dresses I have been looking at have lace and beading some have a corset back with no sleeves no straps even. I have even looked at halter dresses but my boobs generally won't fit so there goes that idea...


Of all the things he could say... puffy sleeves...

A Comparison Day - "Stupid Girl" Moments

I'm having one of those "stupid girl" days. This usually happens when I start dieting. I almost wonder if its a way to find an excuse to go give up on it and eat like a pig. I'm looking at pics of other girls (normal girl not scary skinny girls online) and I am just comparing myself to them. Silly stupid things like I bet they are more creative then I am. They have longer eyelashes. Look no cellulite. Their body doesn't look like a zebra from all the stretch marks.

This starts raveling through my head and starts to get worse and worse till I feel pretty depressed about myself and my situation. Now the good thing is I at least recognized it this time and stopped early. For me its mainly girls that guys I know are seeing or were seeing. Then I start with the I wonder if he likes this or that better with her then me or he probably has more fun with her or had more interesting conversation or better sex... and on it goes.

I do realize how petty all of this is but like I said I am having a "stupid girl" moments. Of course there are things I like about myself and while I shouldn't compare myself to others all I can think about is how better of they have it when it comes to life, body etc. But really I don't know them so realistically that thought isn't necessarily true.

Well I wrote it out so I feel better. I'm still sticking to my diet even while I am working at the sushi restuarant tonight (no rice >.<).

SERIOUS Road Rage

First off let me say a BIG hello to whoever is ready my blog in Ellington, CT. They have now visited my blog 208 time as of this morning at 8:52am. I'm not sure if its one of my followers but if not feel free to leave a message letting me in on who you are :D

Now the not so pleasant news... I was on the wrong end of road rage yesterday. I accidentally cut off a guy in traffic and he then proceeded to speed up get in front of my car and slam on his break a bunch of times causing me to slam on my breaks. So I tried to get into the other lane and this guy is swerving left and right so I can't get past him. So I flash my brights at him kind of as a WTF? and when we eventually get to stop light I take a picture of his license plate with my phone. Well I guess he saw I was taking a picture because this ugly old man gets out of the car, leather skin and all and starts yelling at me through the window. I had my doors locked of course so he couldn't get in. He then proceeds to yell at me as traffic starts pulling away from the light (of course no one got out of their car to help and there wasn't a police officer in sight when you need one) he then slams his fist against my window and drives off. Needless to say it was a VERY scary experience. All I could think of after is what if that a-hole had a gun... then I thought oh my god what if Curtis lost me... then... well then I started getting very upset at that thought. On the way driving home I called Curtis at work and let him know what happened. He told me to call the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Department and I did and while they did take my statement over the phone and got the guys license plate (because yes I did have the picture and still do) but they said because there is no damage to the car and I live in the next county I would have to drive back to Tampa from Clearwater for them to have someone come out and write up a report... I felt pretty hopeless. The incident is over now and it is behind me but I am still a little jumpy over all.


Diet Update: I am down 3.4 pounds as of Tuesday (though the weight loss will start slowing down soon) which puts me at 178.8 pounds as of this morning.