Feeling Blue

So I was going through facebook and it seems yet another one of my fellow High school graduates got their masters/Doctoral degree. I'm happy for them and everything but at the same time... I really want to go back to school so I can get my graduate degree in psychology and get a real job. It still tough for me to sit here every day as a receptionist while I have what seems to be a useless BA hanging over my head along with the loans that came with it. I started looking at SPC courses but even their certificate programs are like 18+ credit hours total and with a full time job and no additional income coming our way it doesn't seem realistic that I could take or even pass the class. Not to mention that the few certificates they offer I am not really interested in perusing as job. 


I know in time I will be able to go back to school but in the mean time I would also like to start a family. The girl that just graduated has two kids and a husband who was in the marines and I guess isn't serving anymore or who knows. 


I want like 10 years of my life back but in that same regard I wouldn't want to give up what I have gained. 


Speaking of Gain... I am back on my diet as of today. I basically decided to go off of it one because I am a fat slob and two because my birthday and our vacation (which was wonderful) were coming up. 


I wish dieting wasn't so hard for me. I wish I could motivate myself to just wake up early and exercise or just stay late and exercise but I can't seem to do that. I have dieted and failed and disappointed myself and my mother so many times with dieting that I think part of me has almost given up. I keep looking at wedding dresses that are probably way too small and I will never fit into in a million years but those are the only ones that I actually think look nice. 


My mom said she will help with the wedding and it makes my skin crawl a little because all I can imagine is her saying oh you spent my money on this stupid thing or that stupid thing once she actually goes to the wedding. We only have about $550 dollars left after we pay off orange blossom and that money has to pay for my dress a tux the church makeup hair jewelry dj limo photographer.... etc. I mean I know we will be putting more away as the time goes along till the wedding but i am really starting to get worried its not going to be enough. 


Oh and have I mentioned my anxiety is through the roof the past couple of days thinking about all this?... yeah...