Lost it Last Night

So last night I kind of lost it, BIG TIME! As soon as I got home Curtis was leaving to go to work (not uncommon) we kiss and say our goodbyes and 2 minutes later he walks back into the house. His car battery just died... so my brain goes in two directions, oh good god we just spend almost $1500 last month fixing the car what could it possibly be now and the other one was okay I have to take him to work because he is already running late. Well the take him to work part of my brain took over and I grabbed everything and dropped him off. Everything was honky-dorey. So I am driving back home not really thinking about the car just that, boo, I will have to go out again at 9:30 to pick him up and I am no longer in any kind of a mood to cook. Luckily I had half a wrap and some chili left over from lunch so Curtis would have something to eat when he comes home.

So I go and pick Curtis up from work (in the mean time I made brownies but they didn't turn out all that tasty). So I'm waiting, still keeping in mind that the car is dead but its just not really hitting me yet. We drive home and as soon as we pull up next to his car and I realize that instead of going upstairs I have to be down here giving his car a jump hoping and praying that it will start.  <--- Right around there is where I start losing it.

My brain then decides to go into overdrive again with money issues. Like how Curtis never has a set amount of hours at work so we never have a set amount of money coming in each week, how his job, after school is over, is going to be just like that, him working on one project then another, and in the mean time me praying that we have enough money between projects to pay for all the bills. My brain then jumps over to holy crap I don't want to raise kids who are going to end up hearing about me always worried if the next dollar is coming in because dad can't get a gig right now or will he be able to find part time work in the mean time. Then it goes to since Curtis and I have met nothing involving money has been stable, there is always something new popping up. After that all I could think about is how fate/god/whatever doesn't want me to marry Curtis and that's why things keep popping up, so we will never have enough money for a wedding.

So as all this is going on Curtis is jumping the car I refuse to open my car door to listen to him and I all together just don't want to listen, see or have anything to do with him. I throw a tantrum for pretty much the rest of the night. I refuse to tell him what is wrong but I do tell him hits nothing he did. I tell him to go upstairs and eat dinner and I sit in my car just crying a little. I feel like the only stability we are ever going to have is going to come from me and that I have to work even harder to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Its just getting so tiresome for me, I should be able to count on him for some kind of stability in the future.

I do finally tell him that I don't think we have any stability in the relationship and that I am worried we never have and never will. I know its not like he can snap his fingers and make everything better but I just kept thinking to myself life shouldn't be this hard ALL the time. I'm 26 years old and I have what feels like no stability in my life, just chaos.

I end up going to bed upset and he and I talk a little bit more but not much really, I ask him not to touch me because I am warm (which was only half true). I always try and think of something positive even if things seem like they are never going to rise up out of the gutter. So I think really hard to myself if I can just think of one stable thing that is there since we started dating it wouldn't all be that bad. So I think and it hits me that really the only thing there is is the love we have for one another, I know its never faltered on my end and I am pretty sure it never has on his either since the day we met. I am trying to hold on to that little bit of stability but its hard. I think he is crying but I'm too tired to deal with it and I just keep trying to fall asleep.

I wake up around 6am-ish (a normal thing for me) turn to him and cuddle him for a while. My brain has finally stopped going into over drive. I tell him I love him he says it back and I turn around and get a little bit more sleep before I have to be up at 7:30am and start getting ready for work.

By the time both of us are up last night is in the past and I have moved on, I am just hoping he did the same too.