Prozac Day 1

I took my first 10mg pill of Prozac this morning. Nothing really seems different I may be slightly more jittery but then again I also had sugar this morning so its kind of hard to tell if the Prozac is the cause of it. It felt really weird waking up and the first thing on my list of things to do was to take a pill. That is going to take some getting used to. I still have the Xanax on hand if I have a flare up and I ended up taking a whole one (.5 mg) last night and while yes it calmed me down what it mainly did was just make me very sleepy. But, again, that may also be because I had to wake up extra early that morning so its hard to tell.

On another note, I looked at the receipt for the cost my prescriptions and while I know I have really awesome insurance the cost of generic Xanax is ridiculous, but in a GOOD way! the cost for 30 pills was a whopping $2.70!!! Now the Prozac wasn't much more expensive either they were both $6-$7 bucks. I say both because I got two prescriptions for it, one was for a 30 count 10mg dosage and the other was for a 30 count 20mg dosage. Basically after I am on 10mg for a week I switch it up a notch and stay on 20mg after that. *note: my feet are bouncing away as I write this, so maybe it is more then the sugar*

Curtis and I ended up having an argument last night about his job. I really think he needs to look for another job because for the third week in a row they have given him less than 20 hours. He only makes $9 an hour to begin with and while I know the house costs are all taken care of because of the loans from his school, the other costs, like the last month of rent, my credit card we used for his teeth, car insurance, phone, and saving up for the wedding are not covered. Not to mention his loans are going to run out soon which means he will have to get a full time job regardless to be able to pay for the house. I keep sending him some part time positions that he could work and still keep his current job but its like he always comes up with some excuse a to why not to take it. I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh on him. I just have a hard time seeing him move up in that company and I worry that he has become so comfortable there that he is never going to want to leave. 

Therapist M.D. - Prozac & Xanax

This morning was my meeting with the M.D. to see if I would be put on medication for my anxiety. Of course nothing can be done easily, my car ride to Brandon was insane because I am battling with traffic and people are all around trying to kill each other. When I do get there after filling out a couple pages worth of patient information they tell me that I have to be recommended by my primary care physician otherwise they will have to charge me the full amount. Now I do not now nor have I for a while had a primary care physician. I had to call up my insurance company and ask them (after two attempts at getting through to someone) that I am seeing and M.D. Psychiatrist and I do not have a PCP so am I going to get charged, she of course said no and that the co pay was $15. Now I have a bad feeling that this will end up coming back and biting me in the butt and I will end up getting billed for a couple hundred bucks down the road. But what I am hoping is that they recorded the conversation and have it on file, which I know is a long shot.

My appointment was scheduled for 8:45 to meet with the doc (had to be there at 8:15 to fill out paperwork) but of course I had to ask them how much longer it would be once the clock hit 9am. Not even two minutes later the doc poked her head out and I was in the room talking to her.

She seemed very nice caring straight forward asked appropriate questions. (very much NOT like my last visit). I felt pretty comfortable with her. I have another meeting with her in 6 weeks and until then she has prescribed me prozac and xanax as needed.

Now I was suprised about the prescription for Prozac and I didn't really want to be stuck on taking a pill every day but she did mention that it may help me lose weight have more energy in the morning and it will help with anxiety. The bad news is that it takes 6-8 weeks to take effect. I have heard some pretty bad stories about prozac too which is a little scary. For the time being I am just going to see if my attitude changes (for the worse) and let her know what is up.

The xanax I pretty much knew I would be getting. Its mainly there as a "break glass in case of an emergency" if my anxiety start to realy flare up during the day. Again I can deal with having an anxiety attack at home but I am worried like crazy that I will have one at work and they will fire me or something crazy like that.

I am also hoping that either of these medications will allow me to concentrate better at work and motivate me to get my work done. Whether either medication will actually do that is still a mystery.

So far I have taken a half of a xanax just to see how I would feel. (a half of a .5 mg dose) I feel just kind of sleepy like when I don't get enough sleep and my eyes are droopy, thats about it though nothing special or bad.

I just hope in the long run this will straighten me out a bit until the money situation is more under control.

My 4 Day Weekend (Day 4)

Monday rolls around...

I was actually supposed to go to school with Curtis all day on Monday but the dentist scheduled me to get my filling done at 2:30 that day and I didn't want to spend the money on gas to drive all the way down to St. Pete and then all the way over to Tampa and only be able to see what two of his classes are like, one of which is not even music related. So I stayed home. I was quite productive though! I made lunch which is a pot roast/pork roast deal.


Now I by no means plan to turn this into a cooking blog but I do want to share this for my own future reference if possibly for anyone else's This makes enough food for about two adults and two kids or three adults. The cost minus the sides is a whopping $8 max. Here is the recipe with pics:

Step 1: Buy pretty much and kind of pork you want from the super market, I bought the Half Fresh Picnic because its only $1.69 a pound right now at Publix. (Buy around 4 or more pounds of it.)

Step 2: Buy this super awesome helper! It has all the seasonings AND a cooking bag which will make the pork ridiculously moist.

Step 3: Cut off any skin excess fat. (do leave some fat on there it will make it more moist)

Do not be afraid of having skin on meat, it cuts off pretty easy and there is great meat below it.

Your finished product should look something like this.

 

After the meat is cooked I scrape the marrow out and put it on fresh bread, it tastes delicious but most people don't know that. Its also super good for you.

 

Step 4: Cut off the extra fat. * Note: If you pull away the fat from the meat while cutting as shown in the picture you are less likely to cut off the meaty parts.

 

 

The directions say add veggies and this and that but all I ever add is the 1/4 cup water and the seasoning and it comes out perfectly.

 

Step 5: Place the meat in the McCormick bag and place in a pan (I just use a brownie pan)

 

 

While the meat is in the bag add in the seasoning and rub all over with your hands. Then add 1/4 cup of water (wash hands after)

 

Step 6: Place in oven on 350 degrees for 2 hours and let it sit for 5 minutes and POOF -> it will look like the above picture.

 

So that is pretty much the gist of it. The prep time can take a little while but if you have a sharp knife (I don't) it goes by pretty quick, I mean just cut it season it and shove it in the oven and leave it there and you have yourself and amazingly fall of the bone lunch/dinner. I also made some Jasmine tea for myself while I was cooking which was just kind of an extra treat for me. 

 

 

After all that was done and over with I headed to the dentist. I was not looking forward to this one bit and while I was glad I only had one filling to take care of  its the dentist. I had them give me nitrous which thank god eased my nerves. Overall it didn't hurt at all there was a slight pinch when they were numbing my gums but that was about it. Even after everything wore off  there was no pain at all. 

That about sums up my weekend though. I was really busy and I kind of wanted more time to relax and just overall time for myself but it will have to wait.

 

My 4 Day Weekend (Day 2 & 3)

So to continue the story...

On Saturday we headed over to the Dean warehouse and we got a tour of the factory along with free pizza mmmm pizza! It was really neat to see that this giant warehouse had not only all the machinery in the back to make the guitars but to actually see some of the guys that work there sand the guitars by hand.

 

The one guitar the gentleman is working on was actually given out in a raffle, we didn't win. That was okay though it was still neat just to watch. They send the guitars out to be painted and then they ship everything back the guys there said it can take around 3 months if not more just to get your order in, but by the looks of some of those guitars it is well worth the wait. 

We also saw some of the guys working on repairing guitars, under someones workbench I found what I call the guitar graveyard:

Michael Angelo Batio later did a Q & A and his overall statement as far as playing fast on the guitars goes is to Practice Practice practice. He was actually a lot of fun to listen to. He seems like an overall very down to earth guy and a performer whether playing his guitar or not. 

The last bit of the day around 3pm one of the guys that goes to DOA Steve does a huge fundraiser for the Metropolitain Ministries. I thought this was sooo sweet and it really does hit him right at the heart. Curtis and I both donated and a lot of people did as well, and even if you didn't donate you were given a ticket for a chance to win some neat stuff. What I found interesting was that he asked ME, of all people there, to be the one who pulls the raffle tickets! I have talked in front of an audience before as an announcer but this was the first time I did it with a group that big and that didn't involve school. Needless to say I had a blast doing it and I am kind of hoping he will ask me again next year. One of the guitars a gentleman won was gorgeous, I don't actually know a lot about guitars but just take a look:

Again, Curtis and I didn't win anything but it was all for a good cause so I can't complain. 

Around 4pm we unfortunately had to leave because both Curtis and I had to go to work. Curtis was working at Gamestop as usual and the old Sushi place he used to work at asked if I could wash dishes, and of course I am not about to say no. I made a whopping $30 bucks for 4 hours of work, but again, its extra income so I can't complain. What I can complain about though is that one of the waiters just had such a poor attitude that night, that and I managed to not once but twice get water down my shirt.

I came home wet, smelling gross, around 11pm with a super achy back but I had money in my pocket and its going towards the wedding so I am a happy camper. They also asked me to go back next Friday at the same time so I guess I couldn't have done too bad of a job. Maybe this can turn in to a regular thing. 

Sunday:

Sunday was overall uneventful. I hung out around the house I didn't do much y back hurt Curtis went to work and I didn't even touch eBay because I needed a break from it. We did some grocery shopping and poof our day was over.

Where to begin? My 4 Day Weekend (Day 1)

Lots happened over the course of my 4 day weekend. I haven't yet decided if I am going to cut this into shorter multiple posts or just make one giant post with pictures.

Day 1 (Friday)

Well this day was sort of like any other in the sense that Curtis and I woke up at the butt of the morning and then we headed to get my teeth x-rayed and cleaned. I didn't have nitrous like I did last time so I was awake for the cleaning and I am NOT going to be doing that again. It worked the last nerve I had. There is just something about the dentist that makes me very uneasy.Come to find out I only need one filling and possibly two more if I don't start taking better care of my teeth. They scheduled me for Monday at 2:30pm which means I don't get to go to school with Curtis.

After the cleaning we grabbed lunch somewhere at Checkers (SUPER unhealthy) and then we headed to go look at puppies and kittens. None of the kittens really caught Curtis' eye so we didn't get one. We keep looking but he hasn't fallen in love yet with that special cat. I already have a cat Yuki:

and while Curtis loves her to death she really is my cat in the long run. There has been one cat we keep seeing at the Humane Society in Clearwater called Zach that he likes but adoption fees right now are at $55 which is a bit out of our reach. I have been thinking about going back there and just picking him up as a surprise for Curtis but when we move (which won't be till October 1st) we will have to pay double the cost of the pet fee and some of the pet fees are nuts!

After that we went home I relaxed a bit while Curtis practiced for the show that night. Friday was the first day of DOA, and my first time at DOA (Dean Owner's of America {if you own a Dean guitar you are in the club}).

When we entered the Kapok Pavilion I was AMAZED! I SUPER want to have my wedding there! I mean just look at some of these photos:

Curtis ended up getting a call right before we left asking to do two more songs. He did the first without a hitch though I have to say the singer was not very good at all and he did the second one okay too but the singer did horribly on that song! And come to find out the other two songs Curtis was supposed to do the drummer was missing for one song and Curtis spent like three months practising the wrong song for the last one. Oh well, we still had a great time.

We also saw a pretty good band there, thought the make-up was a bit much for me, Cadillac Freaks They were probably one of the best performances next to Michael Angelo Batio. We got some good pictures too but I am not going to post all those on here. We didn't get home till a little past midnight but we were both exhausted and had to be up the next morning to tour the Dean Guitar Factory.

All in all a great day and an amazing time. It was the first time I got to see Curtis perform and I am by far his biggest fan!

Babies, Therapists, Teeth, Interview (but not in that order)

I GOT TO HOLD A BABY TODAY! She was all of about 2-3 HOURS old! Why I am I going nuts and writings that in caps? Because it is the first time I have ever held a baby in my life. It was too strange! My hand were like twice the size of her head (my hand laid out flat I mean). She was just wriggling in my arms and being super cute. We got a text yesterday from Dwayne saying Rene went into labor at about 7 am. Now this is a surprise because the baby wasn't due until the beginning of March. Poor Rene was in Labor for 20 hours! Well our job was to watch her two other boys (ages 14, 6) over night which was very interesting because I have never met either of the two boys and I while I had met Dwayne once I have never met Rene or been to their house. But hey they are Curtis' long time friends and even though Curtis and Rene had an affair while she was married to Dwayne (and yes Dwayne knows about it because they then had a 3-some) I know Curtis said we would be there if they needed us. Oh and of course I got a picture of me and the baby along with a picture of Curtis and the Baby:

 

(He looks very natural holding her, I think.)

I am WAY tired today at work because the youngest son was sleeping in the same bed as us and the light was on in the room ALL night which meant little to no sleep for the both of us.

I had an interview yesterday for a weekend receptionist position at Brandon Ford and it would have been absolutely perfect for me. The lady that was supposed to interview me though had to leave early that day because she got sick and no one told me so I just filled out the usual papers and handed them in. The girl told me a little about the job and it all sounded good and she said she would have Susanna (the sick lady) call me back for a second interview but I have yet to hear anything. :( I think part of the reason is because of how much I make at this job and they might think I will expect the same amount. But who knows maybe she is still just sick and hasn't had time.

As far as other jobs go I will be washing dishes at Mike's Sushi this Saturday from 6pm-till close for a whopping 7.50 an hour. Its not much but now that Curtis' dentist appointment is rolling up on us I can finally start putting money away for the wedding.

Curtis' first appointment with the dentist is on the 22nd where he will get a cleaning and 3 fillings I am not going to be there so I hope he is okay. I will be paying them Friday (tomorrow) $6,532 with money and credit card. I think I might cry a little when I hand the money over. Then he goes in the 8th of March to get the major work done which I have to take a day off of work from.

I have a meeting with a therapist (the one Justin recommended) on the 24th, now this will be the actual MD that can prescribe me something for my anxiety (Curtis and I had a fight last night again about money right before we went to take care of the kids). I really do hope the doctor gives me something. I didn't actually get to go with the one Justin went to because he doesn't take Aetna Insurance but if recommended I will be going to his counseling therapist. Again, I am worried about my meeting. It also hasn't been approved at work for the time off for the teeth and this. I am worried I am taking too much time off of work too soon. Hopefully my boss is just busy which is why he hasn't replied back to me.

Not sure if we are spending another night with the kids or not. I guess I should ask.

Work Unpleasantires.

Okay so I know I shouldn't be upset by this but no one and I mean NO ONE noticed my ring at work. Now the two girls I talk to the most were both out today and I mainly work with men so I guess its understandable. But Curtis sent me flowers and again, no one said anything. It really does feel like I don't exist there. It just makes me sad. I know its not like I go out of my way to say things to others either but just one nice compliment today about my ring or my flowers would have really helped out. I don't know why I feel so down.

I am grateful for Curtis and the wonderful valentines day weekend we had together but I really wish I had someone to talk to about all this. Someone to share my joy with. I thought through this weekend my anxiety was getting better but now its just coming back again. No word from either of Justin's doctors. I want this feeling to go away.

I have so much to do all this week.
Monday Curtis is working till11-midnight so I won't see him.
Tomorrow I have a court hearing for a friend's custody battle and then straight to work and Curtis works till 9:30 so I won't really see him then.
Wednesday I have an interview right after work Curtis has class till 9-9:30.
Thursday I have normal work hours and Curtis works till 9:30
Friday I am taking the day off (thank god) but have a dentist appointment at 8:15am, we get to spend the rest of the day together but he will be practicing bass guitar and then we are off to DOA so I can see him preform for the first time.
Saturday finishing up DOA he then goes to work till 9:30pm
Sunday without a doubt he is working 12-6:30 Monday back to work as usual.
Tuesday he goes to the dentist then school then possibly work...

I want a break.

I want some friends.

I have so much I know that but I guess this is me being greedy.

Best Valentine's Day yet

So this weekend we finally got my engagement ring from Curtis's Step dad and my god I was like a 5 year old jumping up and down and laughing maniacally. I haven't stopped staring at it since. I know its a material object and I shouldn't be so engrossed by it but look at it! I am beyond happy!!! my face hurt from smiling all weekend.

Today at work Curtis had flowers delivered to me and he very sneakily placed a card in my purse.  The card on the flowers read this: "I love you beyond words and beyond worlds. You make me more complete than I have every hoped to be and regardless of whatever happens or comes up, I will always be here. Always. Love, Curtis.

On Saturday I took us out as a surprise for a couples massage at Essentials Massage it was the first one he and I had ever received and it felt amazing!

I gave him chocolates this morning while we were still in bed and when he gets home he will get the card I got him.

That about sums up my Valentine's Day. Its been wonderful.

Therapy Session = Bad First Date

Yesterday at 7pm I went in for my first counseling session with a therapist. And lets just say that went TERRIBLY! The guy was nice enough by all means just completely useless as far as my anxiety is concerned. I didn't want to get into my past but I did a little. He asked me some general questions, took some notes, and tried to make me feel comfortable. It just ended up feeling like a bad first date where there was not connection made. He said that I should concentrate on my breathing when the anxiety starts up, breathing from my diaphragm and not my chest and sssslllllllloooooowwwwllllyyy letting it out... I could have looked this up on WebMD! not to mention I was already taking deep breaths when I can, I say when I can because sometimes it gets so bad I can't even catch a full breath.

 His other suggestion to me was to tense a muscle group for a while and then release it and this should help with muscle tone as well as the anxiety... not a terrible suggestion, again one I was already aware of, but if I am tense throughout most of my body to begin with I again don't think that will be too helpful.

And that was it. That is all he suggested for me...

No medication no nothing. On top of it all he also said that he doesn't think he will be seeing me again. Uh... WHAT?!?! He said I have very realistic reasons for having the anxiety I have and I am doing everything in my power to resolve them. I should focus on the fact I have someone wonderful in my life and try to focus on something else when my mind starts to spin about finances. Again, not bad advice just not particularly helpful either.

I just felt at the end of the session that it was just such a waste of my time.

I talked to Justin a little last night and a little more today and he said he would call up his psychiatrist for me along with his therapist and see if maybe they can help. I am really hoping they will be able to.

Therapy Today

So today is my appointment with the therapist. Only 2.5 hours till work day is over and then only 3.5 hours till I go have a chat. *sigh*

I really don't feel like bringing up my past if its possible, which really its not. I just want some medication that will make my anxiety go away for the time being. As soon as I have this money situation more under control it won't be such a big deal. But with teeth, wedding, car, moving, etc. on my brain 24/7 its starting to get to me. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about moving until 2 months before the end of September but its like I can't help myself which is exactly why I want something to calm my brain down a little. My big concern though with taking any medication is that I am going to end up looking acting and feeling like a zombie which for my job is not going to work seeing as they hired me to be "perky".


It looks like we might get even MORE money back from Curtis's insurance plan which is great news but not guaranteed.

I had a long chat about religion with a co-worker which was nice she siad she would keep us in her prayers which I also thought was nice of her to say.

I need to be able to focus more at work. I need to get more work done. 

Good News - Dentist!

YEAY!!!

So I got off the phone with our dentist after having a long and rather embarrassing talk about how we can pay almost all of the bill up front except for about $320. We have to pay the full $6,767 up front two weeks prior to him receiving the oral care because they are going to sedate him. Now we have scrounged up just about every penny we can muster, including both of our tax returns and we are both selling things on ebay to make up for the last little bit. I have someone who is buying some of my clothes on top of it all. So we are TRYING!

So the lady on the phone said it was okay if we pay the large amount and the last little bit the day of the surgery, so I as SUPER relieved. But THEN! I got a phone call from them and she said she would waive the cost of the sedation!!! I almost jumped through the phone and hugged her. The sedation fee is only $235 but its something! a BIG something! She also told me that Curtis' insurance runs out February 28th, so I don't know what all that is about but I don't want to bug Curtis just right now about it to see what is going on because he has so much on his plate with work and school, especially school.

In the mean time my doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I keep trying to find part time work for Curtis and myself, on top of the jobs we already have. No such luck yet but still this bit of news totally brightened my day!

Therapist - Anxiety

My appointment is set for Thursday with the therapist. I keep thinking, "oh its okay I feel better this week so I can just cancel". In the mean time I am still having to do the - take a deep breath and exhale slowly routine. The more I think about the dentist and my credit cards and Curtis' school costs the more it feels like something is tightening across my chest.

I am still having a horrible time concentrating at work too. I really hope whatever they suggests help. I don't want to go back on Welbutrin XL because I don't really believe that I am depressed. I mean I have bouts of being down but nothing that lasts more then a couple of days and it doesn't come up too often so I think I am okay in that department. I am kind of hoping for some kind of medication I can just take when things feel like they are getting bad and I just need something to relax myself a bit. I don't really know if something like that even exists. I mean I know there is daily medication for that kind of thing but I really don't want to have to take yet another pill (birth control pill is the other pill) every day.

I keep thinking maybe I should cancel or just not show up but the appointment will only be $15 and if I can get them to prescribe me something quickly I think it wouldn't be so bad. That is probably not a good way to look at it but oh well.

For now I am just going to focus on keeping my appointment and hopefully nothing will sway me for actually going to it this time. 

Money - Dentist

So Curtis is not getting as much money back from his loans as I originally thought.

I asked him the other day if he would mind for us not to get married just yet and pay for his teeth out of pocket. I told him I understand that if getting married is the only way we can fix his teeth that I would understand but I really would like a wedding. So right now we are still not getting married and we are trying to come up with around $6,500 to pay for his teeth. Now I think we are well withing our means to be able to do this its just a matter of how much of it do we want to try and finance and through what company.

I think he should go to our bank at Suntrust and see if he can get a decent sized credit card there that has free interest for like the next 12 months so we can pay the whole thing off before interest hits. Right now he has one card but the limit is a whopping $500 (it actually might be less). My big concern is that he won't be able to get a bigger card because of how little he makes every year. I'm worried the credit card company will not consider his loans as a part of his income. I guess we'll just have to wait and see on that one.


The Dentist also gave us the option of having everything with his teeth fixed in one big swoop and wanted to know if we wanted sedation dentistry. I think its a good idea but then we have to pay up front two weeks in advance, and fill out paper work. Another option is that we just give him nitrous but I am sooo worried about all the pain he is going to be in.


We are going to talk about how all to pay for this, one way or another his is going to get it done even if it means paying out more from my own pocket. What I am really hoping is that they give him a good credit card so he can start building credit, pay it off month by month till is next line of student loans come in, pay of the remainder with the student loans and poof we will not have to worry about the card. The only thing at that point we will have to worry about is how we are going to pay for the rest of his school if he does run out of loans over the next year.

No Wedding for Me

So I decided, on my own, last night that instead of using the money we saved up to have a wedding we should just use all of it to fix Curtis' teeth. I cried a little this morning about it and I am not completely over it but I know its the right thing to do. Curtis' health and well being mean more to me then anything in the long run. We can still have a ceremony later down the line too but I think its going to be a long while before that happens.

I also have a doctors appointment next week Thursday to talk to someone about my anxiety and see if maybe they can give me something for it. I don't really feel like talking about my problems to another person I just want something so I don't feel like I am going to have an anxiety attack every day.


I also had a review today at work and they are happy with me thank god. I always feel like I can do more and no one likes me but I guess I just need to get over that too.

Small Victory

So Curtis just got back from his second dentist appointment at another dentists office and LOTS of good news all around. This dentist can do everything for just over $6,000. Now that amount of money is nothing to be sneezed at but in comparison to the $10,000-$14,000 estimate the other dentist's office gave us this is quite a bit better. My goal is to basically use up the $500 from the insurance Curtis has now, then put him on my insurance which will give him another $1,500 to spend and then that will only leave $4,500 out of pocket.

So a small victory, but a victory non-the-less.

Lost it Last Night

So last night I kind of lost it, BIG TIME! As soon as I got home Curtis was leaving to go to work (not uncommon) we kiss and say our goodbyes and 2 minutes later he walks back into the house. His car battery just died... so my brain goes in two directions, oh good god we just spend almost $1500 last month fixing the car what could it possibly be now and the other one was okay I have to take him to work because he is already running late. Well the take him to work part of my brain took over and I grabbed everything and dropped him off. Everything was honky-dorey. So I am driving back home not really thinking about the car just that, boo, I will have to go out again at 9:30 to pick him up and I am no longer in any kind of a mood to cook. Luckily I had half a wrap and some chili left over from lunch so Curtis would have something to eat when he comes home.

So I go and pick Curtis up from work (in the mean time I made brownies but they didn't turn out all that tasty). So I'm waiting, still keeping in mind that the car is dead but its just not really hitting me yet. We drive home and as soon as we pull up next to his car and I realize that instead of going upstairs I have to be down here giving his car a jump hoping and praying that it will start.  <--- Right around there is where I start losing it.

My brain then decides to go into overdrive again with money issues. Like how Curtis never has a set amount of hours at work so we never have a set amount of money coming in each week, how his job, after school is over, is going to be just like that, him working on one project then another, and in the mean time me praying that we have enough money between projects to pay for all the bills. My brain then jumps over to holy crap I don't want to raise kids who are going to end up hearing about me always worried if the next dollar is coming in because dad can't get a gig right now or will he be able to find part time work in the mean time. Then it goes to since Curtis and I have met nothing involving money has been stable, there is always something new popping up. After that all I could think about is how fate/god/whatever doesn't want me to marry Curtis and that's why things keep popping up, so we will never have enough money for a wedding.

So as all this is going on Curtis is jumping the car I refuse to open my car door to listen to him and I all together just don't want to listen, see or have anything to do with him. I throw a tantrum for pretty much the rest of the night. I refuse to tell him what is wrong but I do tell him hits nothing he did. I tell him to go upstairs and eat dinner and I sit in my car just crying a little. I feel like the only stability we are ever going to have is going to come from me and that I have to work even harder to make sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Its just getting so tiresome for me, I should be able to count on him for some kind of stability in the future.

I do finally tell him that I don't think we have any stability in the relationship and that I am worried we never have and never will. I know its not like he can snap his fingers and make everything better but I just kept thinking to myself life shouldn't be this hard ALL the time. I'm 26 years old and I have what feels like no stability in my life, just chaos.

I end up going to bed upset and he and I talk a little bit more but not much really, I ask him not to touch me because I am warm (which was only half true). I always try and think of something positive even if things seem like they are never going to rise up out of the gutter. So I think really hard to myself if I can just think of one stable thing that is there since we started dating it wouldn't all be that bad. So I think and it hits me that really the only thing there is is the love we have for one another, I know its never faltered on my end and I am pretty sure it never has on his either since the day we met. I am trying to hold on to that little bit of stability but its hard. I think he is crying but I'm too tired to deal with it and I just keep trying to fall asleep.

I wake up around 6am-ish (a normal thing for me) turn to him and cuddle him for a while. My brain has finally stopped going into over drive. I tell him I love him he says it back and I turn around and get a little bit more sleep before I have to be up at 7:30am and start getting ready for work.

By the time both of us are up last night is in the past and I have moved on, I am just hoping he did the same too.