About to Break Down

I am very close to losing it. I want to break down and cry right about now and I know I have no time for things like that.

We had the receptionist who had my position in 2007 in the office today and its making me very nervous. I was trying to get information out of people as to why she was in talking to the two headed bosses with the door closed but I didn't get much out of anyone. One of the bosses said she was here looking for a job or for a possible reference but he said that as we grow we will probably need someone more specialized as an admin and he is not really sure she would be the person for that. This made me feel a little bit better but still I can't shake the feeling that my job is in jeopardy. I have always been overly paranoid about things like this and I know that's partially just my own brain over thinking/worrying but the "what if" monster is lurking in my head like no ones business.

I have an interview tomorrow for a behavioral tech overight position. The hours are Fri-Sun 11pm till 7am which means in a way I will be killing myself if I don't nap at the appropriate times. I still think I can do it though! I really want the job. The pay is only 9.75 an hour but it could be paying 8 and I would gladly take it. Its finally a job that is in my field. I want this job so much and if it ends up being like the situation at PAR when I interviewed there I know I will end up being devastated.

If I do get the job it means I will not be able to work at the sushi restuarant on Fridays and I will only be able to work on Saturdays till 10pm at the latest. I don't want to let them down and I really hope they understand that this is the job I have been waiting for so I can get my foot in the door. If I can later convince the behvioral place to hire me on full time that would be the ideal situation.

Another concern is that the receptionist job that I am at now the benefits and pay are so freaking good that I don't want to lose that or the job (obviously) prior to getting pregnant and having kids. I think with any other insurance company ti would just end up costing WAY too much and that would just be more money I have to save in the long run.

I am again counting my eggs before they are hatched as far as even getting the job. I have to pass the first step tomorrow which is the interview.

God I hope this works out, I am so ready to start my career in the field of psychology!

Can I cry now? nope, sorry, too busy have to get more work done.*sigh*

EEEEK So Many Jobs So Little Time

I have exactly 5 minutes to write this before I have to get in my car and dash off to my second job at the sushi resturaunt. In the past two days I was offered two positions, okay well really only one so far and an interview. the first one is a really weird one where I will be making bracelets and for each bracelet I get .75 so depending n how fast i work will determine how much money I can make. I can do this on Sautrday mornings before the sushi resturanaunt, Sundays and after work M-W for an hour or two. No its not a work at home thing.

I also just applied and recieved a very quick response to a job that I would LOVE to have as a behvioral tech BUT its from 10pm till 7am  Fri-Sun. Which means pretty much no break for me and very little seeing of my soon to be fiance who I won't actually be able to have a conversation about all this until sometime tonight at 11pm. It also means if I get the behavior tech job that I won't be able to work at teh sushi resturant so I will eb letting them down.

I have no idea what to do. I have an interview with them on Tuesday and on Sunday Curtis is going with me to the bracelet thing just to make sure its a legit thing. I guess I shouldn't count chickens before they hatch seeing as I wasn't offered the job yet but this could be my big opportunity to get into the field I studied for!

UGH...

Time to go to job 2...

And to take a xanx

Hoping and Praying Everything Works Out

I am hoping and praying every day that things are going to work out. I just keep telling myself that if I just continue to work hard to be there and support the man I love fate will come back around and repay me for my efforts. Now I know it doesn't really work that way but I am trying my best to be a good person to the new people I meet and the ones I already know. I will never go back to the person I was a couple years ago. 

A year or so back and all through high school I was just a very angry person, or hot hearted as they would say in Thailand (yes I am still writing that paper and yes it has to get done by this weekend). I was mad at the world and everyone around me. It didn't matter if I didn't know you or if I have known you for a couple of years, I was just a pissy brat.

Through all my anger/depression/etc. I made it out with a few choice friends, one of which was Angie (who I think I can remember having all of 1 fight with the entire 8 years I have known her), a couple of exes are still "friends" but I use quotes because one is my friends unless he is seeing someone new then he won;t bring her around me until he knows for sure it will work out (or something like that) and the other ex will only hang out if it is me and him and still has a thing for me and doesn't want to be around my fiance which after almost a year of being broken up I think is a big fat load of ____.

But, getting back to what I was saying. I am hoping and praying that if I just keep at it just keep going, just continue to work multiple jobs and support my loved one it will work out in our favor in the end. He will get that high paying job and I will be able to stay home with the kids for a while. Now it has never been my intention to spend my life razing kids, I know I want to be in the work force but part of me would like just a couple of years to be able to stay home take care of the kids and maybe go back to school on the side. These dreams seem so far away now but I want to have faith in my soon to be husband's musical abilities and his ability to make it in the music industry. I know he has the talent for it its just a matter of landing that first job and rolling with it afterward.

I just have to be patient, keep my fingers crossed, be supportive, work hard, and maybe just maybe things will work out.
 

I WANT BABIES!

 

So yeah my internal womanly clock is tick tick ticking away and loudly these days. I want a baby. I know I am not ready yet financially and Curtis and I aren't even married yes (and I will definitely wait at least till we are married) but damn I am so tired of reading about other people getting pregnant and having babies. Okay so maybe I am not sick of it I am just incredibly envious. I want a little bundle of joy all to myself. I know I say that now and its probably going to stress me out more than anything ever has in my whole life but deep down I feel soooo ready for it!

I don't really think Curtis is in the same boat as me when it comes to that though. He wants to finish school first which is going to take a couple of more years (and yes it makes perfect sense for him to finish up before we have a baby). *sigh* 

I think I am just going to post something on facebook to let me see if I can watch someone's kids for a day and maybe that will sway me from wanting them so bad. OR I could just go hang out in the middle of Wal-mart for an hour and I am pretty sure from watching other people's kids my eggs will shrivel up and die.

 

No Good News to Report

This has been a stressful week. Not so much in the work load but the lack there of. Curtis got only 8 hours of work this week from gamestop one day of which he called in but then was given another 4 hour shift for Saturday thank goodness. I think the have to at least give him 8 hours though otherwise they won't be able to take the health insurance out of his pay check. And really an 8 hour week will pay just that... his health insurance. Gas is going up like crazy which is nothing new but definitely not helpful right now. We had to dish out another $100 to fix the oil leaks on Curtis' car and I just keep thinking that if I just get rid of my car and buy a junker I could save myself a 300 a month payment. But then again how much am I going to have to pay on the new car if it breaks down and will I even have any money to fix said problems. 

The head sushi chef's son doesn't appear to be going to the Navy any time soon like he said he would so Curtis won't be getting those hours and I guess Curtis misunderstood and he is still not going to be getting tips this week. *sigh*

I'm trying to stay positive and encourage him and tell him everything is going to be okay but if he doesn't get his ass up soon and realize hey your old company is dicking you over so maybe you should look for another job so we are not in the poor house and I won't have to get a third job just so we have food on the table I don't know what I am going to do. I keep sending him possible job opportunities but then I have to remind him at least twice before he applies to the freaking job. I don't think he gets that with craigslist its a first come first serve basis. 

Ugh. I know in his heart he is doing what he thinks is right and he likes working there and wants to be there for this company but I am starting to get anxious again and with the amount of meds I am on that shouldn't really be happening. 

On top of all that I have to write that stupid paper on Thailand and turn in a bunch more writing for the sociology class all by the 22nd of this month. ... I REALLY don't feel like doing this. But I don't really have a choice in the matter.
 

Renaissance Festival & Money in the Bank

Curtis and I at the Bay Area Renaissance Festival 04/03/11

This Sunday for the first time in a long time Curtis and I BOTH had Sunday off from work. It stinks in a way because it means less hours and money for Curtis BUT we soooo needed that day off together. We both ended up paying way to much money for food and silly little things but I don't even care. I had deliberately stashed money away for a day like this so he and I could just go out and have a good time, and man did we ever. One of the many things I love about being out and just around Curtis is that we don't fight every time we go out. With some of my other relationships (okay most of them), it seemed like whenever we went out somewhere a fight would end up happening. They would hurt my feelings by saying or doing something or i would hurt theirs and it would end up ruining the whole day for the both of us. This pretty much never happens with Curtis, I mean we have disagreements and arguments here and there but most are very petty and we both get over it or we talk about it and then get over it. *sigh* I love him so much... yeah I know I am being all sappy today :P

At the Festival we saw a live chess match with battles, lots of people singing and playing instruments, and of course the washer women. They are by far the best show, and you get to get wet since they kind of throw water around. They also do audience participation and I was SUPER hoping that Curtis would be able to go up since I know he loves to perform but sadly they didn't pick him. The guys that they did pick though were pretty good. One guy almost got punched in the face because he had to go up to this really tough looking biker guy who was also at the Ren Fest and had no idea what was going on (and the guy who went up to the biker guy was wearing fairy wings to top it off) and say "daddy daddy why did you leave me" and he even gave him a hug, he ran back towards the stage after and exclaimed the guy was ready to punch him. 

One of the many things we did end up spending money on (besides ridiculously expensive drinks and a turkey leg) were henna tattoos. I made Curtis go away though I am pretty sure he knew what I was doing and I had them paint his name on the inside of my wrist. The guy got quite creative and it ended up a little bigger then I was hoping it would be but over all it came out great. Curtis later went back and got my name on his wrist *aaawwww*

 

The tattoo should last a week or two if I take care of it. So far no one at work has said anything so hopefully its no big deal. I don't think it would be since its not a permanent thing. 

After Ren Fest Curtis and I HAD to get something to drink, we already spent 6 bucks on two drinks while we were there and water was not free so we quickly made our way to CVS to grab Gatorade and tea. Now since the event took place not too far from the CVS you would think people would know about it but man if you would have seen the stares people were giving us. Luckily most of them didn't see my feet otherwise they really would have something to stare at. I wore flip flops and Ren Fest is outside in the sand and dirt and grass and my feet were black and disgusting by the time we got in the car. 

Curtis mentioned that he could really go for a Crush Orange Soda, but it has to be in a glass bottle. Well I knew that Datz carries a bunch of different flavored sodas and beers and they also have super yummy desserts that we never get to eat because by the time we are done eating our meal we are stuffed. As we drive by there we see a line to the front door circling ALL the way around the building. I still don't know what the event was but we pretty much decided to go somewhere else. 

I then got the brilliant idea of going to the greenwise publix since we were in the area and I was sure (or at least really hoping) that they might have it. After getting a little lost I found the place again. Well we did end up finding the soda finally but only in the 6 pack version. I figured what the heck this once is not going to hurt anything. Curtis grabbed some straws (because I guess that is the appropriate way to drink things from a glass bottle) and we were finally on our way home.

Once we were back on the road and I felt just how much my legs were aching from walking around all day I suggested we go to our apartments hot tub and take a dip because we have been living there for a little over a half a year and have yet to actually use the pool or the hot tub. 

We run into the house quickly get changed and grab towels and its around 8:30 at this point and Curtis still has a bio quiz to take before midnight (which later we found out were 3 quizzes but he got an 80% on the first one and 100% on the other two). We get to the pool area fence and surprise, its locked... so what do we do in this situation? Well what else, we jump the fence! It was no easy task seeing as I am only 5'3 but i still had it in me to lift my butt up and over. The hot tub felt SO nice! Curtis gave me a foot rub and later I gave him a foot/leg rub and we just floated together and stared at all the beautiful stars in the sky. it was very romantic and I love the feeling of being weightless in the water. 

I went over to the pool to see how cold it was, and yes it was very cold even thought it was a hot night. After a little coaxing on my part I convinced Curtis to quickly jump in the pool with me and then head straight back into the hot tub. The pool felt so good but then it started to sink and and we both ran like little kids back to the hot tub. our skin felt like pins and needles once we got back in there but after a while it calmed down. We decided to call it a night and head back in. 

That Sunday was by far one of the best I have had in a long time. 

On a side note, Curtis paid me a compliment which I was quite surprised by but happy to hear. He said after I was joking around with the girl at the checkout line in Greewise that I could do stand up. Now I don't think he knows this but at some point when I was much younger I always thought it would be neat to do that. Kind of a start off like Roseanne did and then make my way to acting. Of course for me its one of those unrealistic/non-sensible goals so I stuck to my studies and never went after it.

Well even though we spent a bit of money this weekend I am VERY happy to report that we now have saved close to $1,000 for the wedding which means we are a quarter of the way there! I still don't know if we will have enough saved to have it before the end of the year but I am going to put away as much as possible in the mean time.

*facepalm*

The above two pictures are by far and large an excellent example of how I feel right now. So Curtis ended up getting more hours this week at job 1 (GameStop) only to find out that nest week he is only working an aazing 8 hours, the ENTIRE week. Its things like this that drive me freaking nuts, I mean just keep your same freaking hours and quit swapping it around every week. That's what I would like to tell him manager but of course I am in no position to do so and it would just end up landing him in trouble.

8 hours... at $9 an hour and poof - 72 dollars for the whole week. *sigh* At least I haven't had to touch any of my wedding money and He may have this Sunday off if they don't call him in, which will be the first Sunday he has off in a VERY long time. We may end up going to the Renaissance Festival but we'll see. I need to find out how much tickets are going to cost and all. *sigh*

Deep breaths... its going to be like this for the next 6 months... *twitch*