Still Moping

I'm still moping about yesterday. Mike has repeatedly apologized but I have heard it so often I am tired of it. In the mean time I told him if he is sorry to prove it. He said he will figure out a way... I just hope he can figure out that he can prove it by finishing up the practice tests for his GED or getting up on time... though I am not sure if either of those two things will hit him. 


I asked him if he ended up going over there and smoking out and he said no... I don't know if I believe him or not. I want to believe him I really do and the reason he gave (his friend is broke) seemed reasonable enough to believe but if they were hanging out with his friends dad who is loaded I would be rather surprised that the dad didn't end up giving him money. 


Mike also said (he was actually awake before 10am) that Moriah (his friend's fiance) "took it upon herself to wrench a shitload of blackness (his sadness about his girlfriend breaking up with him and their past) out of my heart by force"... Okay... I asked him how she did this and he never replied which makes a couple of thoughts pop up in my mind... 


1) Did she do this by having sex with you (they have had 4-somes in the past both Mike and their friends are in an open relationship) in which case he is only going to feel better for a short while.


2) Did she do this by giving you psychedelics... in which case WTF why can't any of you guys ever try and solve your problems out side of drugs.


3) Did she do this by talking to you and if so (and this is very selfish on my part) what the hell was I doing wrong that I couldn't make you feel better like that. 


I think the 3rd one is the one that bothers me the most really. I am happy he finally woke up on time for once and that he feels better, but I'm sad because it wasn't me that was able to make him feel like that. I know that is super selfish and I will get over it its just that after spending so much time and energy with him was it all just pointless? Really I know its not pointless just... I don't know... I guess in a way I'm jealous... also grateful but jealous still... I wanted to be the one to make him feel better. hrumph. 


In other news I stupidly volunteered myself for dish washing tonight at the old sushi restaurant after I told myself in the past that I wouldn't work there again... I guess in the end I'm a sucker for helping people. Well that and a little bit of extra money doesn't hurt either... *sigh*


I was so upset last night I ended up crying right before we went to bed and now I just feel totally exhausted. I really wish I didn't say I would help with the kitchen... ugh... Who knows maybe they will call me and tell me not to come in... fact chance of that I think... 

Not Feeling Very Jolly This Season

I don't know what its been about this Christmas but I'm not really my usual cheery self. I think part of it is because money is so tight and the other is because I ended up spending so much of it and a lot of the time I'm like oh well I could have bought this or that or the other and that stuff would have been more useful then what I actually got. 


I mean don't get me wrong I got some great deals and I was smart about coupons and sales and what not but I guess I just expected to have more money. I kept reaching into the joint account which while I always put the money back in its like just throwing more of my money away. I keep buy food I don't need to be eating (the expensive kind, or sweets that I really don't need). And its like if the money is not being thrown out one window its going out the other. 


We are going to have a lot more bills this next year and a whole lot less money coming in. The Christmas season is going to die down so Curtis will be getting less hours at work and this is his last semester in school so the loans won't be coming in either. I mean I know it will all work out and we will be okay its just stressing me out like crazy not knowing where exactly this money is going to be coming from. Gamestop sure as shit will not give him a promotion, especially since they are probably hiring this girl that is working there temporarily who used to be in the same position as Curtis. And Gamestop REALLY likes to make girls the assistant manager over guys (its the whole having boobs thing and dorky gamers liking them deal). 


Curtis got a supposed gig working in a theater that my co-workers wife is working on also only to find out that this guy never bought the rights to the play and it is a very likely chance Curtis won't be getting paid at all because the guy is a schmuck. I know he is going to be disappointed which mean I'm going to have to hear about it and tell him how I'm sorry and oh it'll be okay and blah blah blah blah... I think there is only so much empathy I can muster per year and I'm about run out at this point. 


On a whole nother topic, Curtis' mom is posting stupid crap like oh pray for my boyfriend he is going to court tomorrow... the guy is going to court because he got a DUI! uh... no... I don't think so no praying for him. I think more along the lines of praying for the other people out on the road with him. Then she has the nerve to say oh well its only his second offense and he will be fine and I don't like the tone you used... UGH! SECOND OFFENSE! Christ you think she would have learned after Curtis' dad... or her last husband... christ can she pick the winners or what... What a dumb ass. And in the mean time I am trying my best to keep my mouth shut and not say anything but at the same time I feel kind of responsible to be like, HEY you are making a mistake with this guy he has two DUIs he should be in jail! Stop being so afraid to be alone and get rid of him before you start making the same mistakes over and over and over and yeah hopefully you get my point. 


Oh and speaking of DUIs. My ex-boyfriend Mike and I are talking again. His girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him over the phone while he was down in Miami. Both of them were in a horrible state to begin with both doing tons of drugs getting kicked out of places getting caught this that the other no job, stealing, you name it. 


Well I guess life finally kicked him in the ass enough for him to get himself together because he is off all the drugs. Back in my college days when we dated he was just a stoner and he would do magic mushrooms and drop some acid here and there but that was about it. Well after we broke up it escalated for him to pills and coke and finally heroin. Like I said he is clean for now, still smoking if he goes out to see his friends (which is hard to do seeing as he has no license of car and live at home with his dad with no job. He is even trying to stop smoking cigarettes which is great but is still doing them from time to time. In case you are wondering about me, I stopped smoking pot pretty much after we broke up. I think that was part of my college days faze I was going through. 


He is just so sad now though that his girlfriend broke up with him. I mean she literally broke his heart and he feels so bad and not doing drugs and feeling like this is never useful to an addict. she also ended up getting back together with her ex on top of everything else... Mike and her had a horrible relationship though it was abusive in more ways than one on both their ends. I think she did the right thing breaking up with him I just wish she hadn't gone about it in such a cowardly way. He of course is in a bit of denial about how he never hurt her and how she never wanted it to work out to begin with. I wasn't there so I can't say one way or another but I think they both hurt each other, really is pretty obvious. 


I am just so worried about him. He had a really rough day yesterday and he finally got some meds for his anxiety and ADD and something else for the depression but I think the anti-depressants aren't really what is best for him. I just wish I could make him understand that the pain will go away eventually but it will take time. 


In the mean time trying to constantly console him and make sure he is okay and not going back to drugs and not wanting to kill himself is literally exhausting me. I'm his friend though and I would feel horrible if I just stopped being there. Lately though it just doesn't seem like he wants to help himself at all. He needs to take his GED test but the first one that is available won't be until January 15th (or so he tells me) which will be too late for him to sign up for classes in the Spring for college. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers and that he barely wants to help himself and if that is the case it won;t matter what I do. I just wish he could see how lucky he is to have so many people trying to support him. Though some of his friends keep inviting him over to smoke out and one wanted him to get a bunch of acid for him and its just like UGH! come on guys he is trying to do better stop exposing him to all this stuff. 


I've been spending a lot of my time after work with him, usually when Curtis isn't home which can be fun but mainly is just frustrating because he was doing so well at first and then poof now he just can't seem to get out of the bed. he stays up till like 4-5am and then doesn't wake up till 2-4pm in the afternoon. He says he has a lot of trouble getting to sleep which i can understand and he has always had trouble waking up in the morning but comeon, at some point you need to break the cycle. 


Again, another topic. I finally went in to get my stomach looked at to see if I have a hernia, I got the scans but seeing as I am no doctor I couldn't exactly read them. So until my next appointment with my doctor I have no idea what is wrong with me. I just hope one, its not cancer, two its nothing that will get in the way of me having kids, and three its not going to cost us an arm and a leg to get fixed. 


Money is jsut vanishing left and right. I bough Curtis a game I knew he wanted which I thought he had changed the order to not get the special edition version which was another $111 on top of the 25 he already put down only to find out... no he still has the special edition on pre-order so I would have felt bad just getting him the normal game so I bought the stupid freaking game for him.. *sigh* only to then find out that his game is like WoW and you have to ALSO pay a monthly fee to play the damn thing... UGH! its not bad enough he has a new phone (that I got him) to pay for, a new car which he has a monthly payment to make on (which we used all of the wedding money for), anther credit card which I got and put his name on that he charged what was left on his old credit so the interest wouldn't hit, AND a number of medical bills he hasn't paid, and soon school loans, but now a FREAKING GAME!!! UGH!!!! You know, I don't buy myself expensive things or things that are going to take forever to pay off, I don't buy things that have a monthly cost to them, I don't get my nails done my toes done or even my freaking hair done anymore and we live in a shit hole with shitty neighbors that I am embarrassed to have people I know over but he is just spending money like its nothing!!! I know that is probably a little selfish and after all I am the one that got him the game put his name on the card and told him to buy a new car (because his last car was like him and wanted to shit money out like it was eating it for breakfast) but still!!! And every time he gets paid 3 days later he has no money because, oh I wanted to get you some really nice things for Christmas... okay well that is great and all can you get me one less bill to pay next year because that would be freaking awesome. but no... he is out of money has to use the joint account for gas and food and while again, it all goes back in there (even though he hasn't bothered to pay back the last gas or sushi we ate to the account) its just like WTF manage your money at least a little better... I love gifts, I don't love you being a broke ass. Stop worrying about what I got your for Christmas because I make more money then you so yes I will be able to get probably more then what you got me its not a big freaking deal get over it. 


Obviously I'm venting at this point... I am just so frustrated between Mike, my work Money, Curtis and the completely unforeseeable future. I really don't want to live in that apartment anymore it is SOOOO embarrassing, I wish we never moved in there to begin with. Sure the inside is great but the outside and neighbors are terrible. I really made a mistake picking this place out and i am so worried that when the lease is up we won't be able to move anywhere else because we won't have any money. At this rate we are never having a kid. I am certainly not going to be pregnant and walk a baby through hallways that smell like dog piss. 


again, venting and very frustrated. I kind of just want Christmas to be over with already so I can start saving money again. 

I'm a Married Woman Now

I'm married!


I am officially a married woman. The paper work says so. I finally feel like I belong somewhere with someone. No matter what happens in life, I will have someone by my side to support me. The priest said a specific passage from the bible and while I really don't consider myself a religious person I LOVE the verse and it could not better describe how I feel about Curtis:


But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
(Ruth 1:16-17 ESV)


I really do want to die where he dies and his people (Americans and his family) are now my people. 


I am sooo overjoyed almost every time I think about it I start getting emotional. Even now as I write this. I know part of it was all the stress finally going away, I have free time again... its kind of nuts... I don't really know what to do with myself and I can;t get the house together until we buy ore furniture so... I am in limbo right now... 


But I DON't CARE! I am married, I AM Mrs. Lemieux (well as soon as I get my name changed). But more importantly... I am a MRS. I have a husband! I can start sentences like... My husband and I went to the movies, My husband is so funny, My husband is the greatest husband on the face of the planet! 


I now know why people wear those I love my husband shirts... I know they are super tacky BUT I just want to shout it from the roof tops I have a husband! I belong! I love him!


I hope this feeling never leaves me. 


I am going to be the greatest wife I can be and one day the greatest mother I can be. 


I love my husband.

UGH!

Okay it is soooo getting down to the wire with the wedding. Less than two weeks and I still have so much to do. I still have to find shoes, go in for another fitting, get my make-up trial over with this Saturday This Friday go to the court house. Make 20 Pomander paper tissue balls for the church, go get laser hair removal, shave my legs at some point! (not to mention under arms). Buy more candy containers, buy lifts for the candy containers, go to ikea and make center pieces, finish unpacking the entire house BEFORE Curtis's mom gets here next Wednesday, figure out how to do Curtis's hair for the wedding. Make sure Dwayne will actually BE at the wedding and at the court house when the time comes. Go through a rehearsal at church this Sunday, with George being there and hopefully he will not embarrass the crap out of us. I still need to get freaking jewelry too.

Oh and gee what else, oh yeah continue working 40 hours a week, get on Curtis's ass to fix my mom's computer because god only knows he doesn't have a million things to do too. Oh and not to mention he needs to practice our vows in Hungarian because I can just see it now my mom busting out in laughter when he says something that is nothing more than gibberish... oh yeah speaking of vows I should finish those at some point! My veil is practically freaking beige instead of ivory so I might be forced to use this other ugly one I have and I don't have time (or money) to order another one off line right now. 

I just have so much going on I just want to stick my head in the sand. I wish I had friends or my mom to help me with this but my mom won't even get out of the house for herself let alone me. I can't take the supplies over to her place because all of the pomanders (if she would even agree to help me) would end up smelling like cigarettes. 

I want to go home and cry but I don't have time for that in 15 minutes I have to put on my especially happy face and get everything ready for yet another (we have like 4 every month) birthday celebration. 

All Moved In and 20 Days Until the Wedding

We are finally moved into our new apartment and away from our room mate. The latter of the two I  am actually happier about. The moving day was kind of nuts and as I expected a lot of people bailed out on us at the last minute but luckily we had a guy from my work volunteer to help and things went pretty smoothly. The new apartment has an elevator so taking things up wasn't nearly as hard taking things down the stairs at the old place. After we packed the two bedroom full of our crap (and believe me we have plenty of it) we went to bed and slept like logs. 


The next morning involved some donuts and then back to the old apartment to clean it up so we aren't charged. The cleaning took like 6 hours. And because I am ridiculously meticulous I scrubbed just about everything down. Curtis did a lot of trash runs and vacuumed the entire place among other things. After it was all said and done we still forgot to give them the gym key AND we ended up leaving a chocolate bar and gummie bears in one of the cabinets. Its my own fault for not doing a walk through of the whole place and checking all the cabinets. 


The new apartment is not what I expected it to be. I don't think anyone cleaned it and there were things that were obviously not painted and tended to. Plus apparently someone on our floor has a dog and lets them urinate in the hallway so I bet you can imagine the lovely smells that were happening. 


I only have another 20 days left until the wedding. I still need to go in tomorrow to try on my dress again and pray that it fits the way its supposed to. I haven't lost any weight recently, though I haven't gained back what I lost, and no matter how much I keep telling myself I will start going to the gym I keep just not doing, my excuse is still life is getting in the way. I am almost certain I will have fat arms in my dress which means I will have to be very careful about how I pose in the pictures so I can try and hide it. 


I still need shoes, centerpieces and I need to figure out if I can make the puff balls for the pews or should I try to learn how to make bows instead. I also wanted some disposable cameras but I'm not sure how well that will work out, financially speaking. 


Curtis is back in school and work are all swinging along. One of his co-workers just got a promotion to assistant manager and while that guy has been there for 5 years (which in and of itself is sad) Curtis is the one getting all the numbers and wasn't even told he could interview for the position. No one was told. The one guy just got the spot. Its been making me so mad I want to punch the guy in the face even though I guess its not his fault. I think people at Curtis' work are lying to him. I feel like they just keep stringing him along and no one cares that he is amazing at what he does, he is trying to start a family, he is in school to better himself (which is more than what I can say for Joe the other guy seeing as he lives at home with mommy and daddy and has no aspirations what-so-ever) and it seems like they don;t care about any of that. He goes in when you call him even though he wasn't scheduled he is a team player so WTF?!?!? I think its time for them to pay their damn dues. I feel so bad because I know its not his fault and he feels like crap because he keeps thinking he is doing something wrong. 


I've in general had it with that job. I can't wait for him to graduate so he can get a full time well paying job and give them the big F U. Oh and surprise all of a sudden the store drops dramatically in sales... hmmm I wonder what the x factor there would be. fuckers. In the mean time we both just have to suck it up for the next couple of months. Who knows maybe another position will open up... and MAYBE he will actually FREAKING GET IT THIS TIME. 

Stuff going on.

I'm not really sure what to even post about. I have complaints, but they are the same things I have been complaining about lately. We got the invitations, there was a mistake on them they sent new ones and they arrived yesterday. I have officially given out 4 invitations, probably only two people will actually show up for the wedding out of those four. Two were for my bosses and two were for co-workers. The bosses I imagine will not show up but hopefully they will get me something nice from my gift registry. And that sentence right there makes me feel kind of bad. 


I didn't invite everyone from work, nor can I afford to and I have three bosses all together but one of them (who was not invited) I just really don't want there to be a chance that he is actually at my wedding. The problem here comes in that I don't want it getting around the office I invited some people but not all people. I just mainly don't want to deal with any repercussions that might occur. 


I got my mom a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist. I hope she will actually go. She needs to get back on welbutrin for her depression and hopefully it will kick in in time for the wedding. Her and George living together right now is not the greatest thing in the world either. 


We are only a week and a half away from moving into our new place. We originally went with a floor plan that had the two rooms next to each other but then when we saw the apartment we were actually going to rent out I was very unimpressed. Luckily there was another floor plan (which was also slightly bigger) that was available so we decided to go with that one. The only bad thing really is that the sun sets on that side of the building so its probably going to warm up in the afternoon big time. Curtis is right when he says its like our first place together. Even though we have lived together for a year now with no room mate involved this time we get to enjoy ourselves being together and more importantly, ALONE together. Its safe to say that I will actually have the house to myself a couple hours out of the week and I cannot wait!


Work has been as hum-drum as ever... 


We found out a couple of days ago that we will have to pay for Curtis' mom's airplane ticket it we want to see her at the wedding... yeay.... So that is another $300 on top of the already mounting bills for the wedding that are coming in. 


hmmm... what else... I hate packing... and my weight has been stuck. 


OH! The dress. So my mom bought me a dress from China which looked great in the picture but when it arrived it looked NOTHING like what we ordered. We are talking sequence instead of beading  and the lace was not on symmetrically and a bunch of other just cheap looking crap. Well this left me more the just a little frustrated... (I was FUMING!) I grabbed the second dress I bought that is a size 10 called David's Bridal and asked if I could come in to see if they could adjust the dress and put a corset on the back etc. They said they have time right the and there and I rushed over. After I get there and they start pulling out the dress from the box they are like oh where did you get it, and I told them online, you mean david's bridal online? NO its not a david's bridal dress.... oh if its not we can't do anything with it... WTF?!?! could you have not told me this BEFORE I cam all the way over here? So I start looking up seamstresses on my phone and I find one and she is available (its around 6pm on a weekday and since I live in Florida everything is freaking closing) so we go in and she sees the dress and she said she will try I come back a week later and it looks like that WILL be my dress. I couldn't be happier to be honest because if I was a size 10 and got that dress I would have worn it in an instant. It is now there and they are making a bunch of adjustments to it and putting a corset on the back. It shows a little more cleavage then I would like it to but oh well! Sacrifices have to be made. 

Tons-o-updates

*clears throat*


WE GOT THE CHURCH!!!


So that is one less thing to worry about for the wedding! Now the problem we have run into however is that the pastor is not sure he will be able to make it on that Monday. Slight problem right... well we have two back up Hungarian pastors so it shouldn't be too big of a deal but the guy just seems so unsure of himself right now that its bugging the crap out of me. This Sunday I have to go to Church alone because Curtis has work and this should be the weekend that we decide who our pastor will be and I have made up my mind that even though he is unsure of himself the guy that is there every Sunday will be our pastor. 


In other good news we found a place to live! well move to or whatever  you want to call it. I am sooo excited. We went to go look at the place on Monday afternoon and judging by the outside of the building you would NEVER guess how nice it is on the inside! (see pictures below). I absolutely CANNOT wait to move (23 days and counting) now we don't definitely have the place just yet, we gave them our application and the money for the application and we should hear back in a week (which by the way is a SUPER long time!). But I don't see why we wouldn't get the apartment. Curtis and I both have great rental histories and no crimes of any sort in our past. My mom liked the place so much she said she would even co-sign if she had to. 


Dieting has not been going to well I am at a stand still with my weight which is mainly my own fault because I keep eating junk when I am not supposed to. The wedding dress will be here supposedly on the first and the invitations should be on their way pretty soon as well. Everything is coming together nicely. We had to use some of the wedding money for our soon to be move but those funds will be added back into the account when Curtis gets his school loans. It makes me very nervous because I haven't touched that money for anything other than to pay for wedding stuff. 


And now the pictures of what will soon (hopefully) will be our new place:

Get Me to the Church on Time

So we STILL do not have an answer about the church BUT we know for sure the pastor will be there this coming Sunday. Curtis has a strong feeling that its going to work out just fine and I keep having a strong feeling like something is going to fall apart at the seams. 


I found a very affordable videographer (550-625 for 4 hours of filming) BUT this means that we now have to save up even MORE money for the wedding. We originally started this wedding trying to keep the costs at around $4000 for the whole thing, if I add up everything I have in mind so far and the little things I have bought for it here and there the total cost is probably going to be closer to  $7000 and we are still below our goal by about $1200-$1000. How in the world we are going to come up with that amount of money in the next two months (and yes the wedding is in EXACTLY two months) I have no idea. On top of it all we are also moving which so far has been a giant pain because no one wants to wait a month before they get paid for rent. (we aren't moving till Sep. 17th).


The job opportunity we thought was going to come up for Curtis we are not so sure about now. The guy said he would email him the information but nothing has shown up yet. Curtis is starting to think maybe the guy was just being nice with the offer (which to me doesn't make sense because its NOT nice to offer someone a possible job when really you don't want them for it). 


Things at the restaurant are starting to get to me a little. I am working there anywhere from 3-5 days a week which means my working hours for the week between the two jobs is now anywhere from 50-55 hours a week (sometimes more if we get slammed). Plus the fact I am only getting $7 an hour when I am the dishwasher doesn't help things. If I am the cashier and I get my 10% on a good night the hourly rate averages out to about $10 an hour. However they have this thing where if you make a mistake on the check it comes out of your pay. Now I have been there for a couple of months and it just seems so odd to me that I didn't make a mistake for months and now I have 3 mistakes in a row. I have this horrible feeling that someone is messing with me. At this point I think I have just decided that I am just not going to touch the receipts period. My co-workers won't be too happy about this but as the hostess I am not really supposed to be messing with the checks to begin with. 


I think no matter what I need to get out of there and soon. But I really like having this extra income available. 

JCPenny Online?

Anyone shop at JCP online? If so I found a deal! $20 for a $50 gift card ($25 if you don't want it to connect to your facebook account). 


http://www.plumdistrict.com/three_for_free/4133d0eca5/click

Opportunity Might be Knocking... Ding Dong (or ringing)

So finally for a little bit of good news. Because Curtis is forever outgoing and ends up making friends very easily he now may have opportunity knocking at his door. A gentleman was in the game store where he works yesterday and told him his company was hiring. The gentleman also lives with his boss so its pretty much a guarantee if Curtis peruses it. Its and IT job and he will be making just as much money as I am making now if he lands the job. The job also allows for different shifts and different work days. The one downfall of that may be that he will have to work third shift which means going in at like 10pm at night getting off in the morning and going straight to bed after. We barely see each other now so I don't know how well that would work out. I much rather him maybe work four 10 hours shifts (I don't even know if they would let him do that) and have 3 days a week off. He said he will also be able to study at this job which is a huge plus. Though if he does get it and wants to study he may just HAVE to get an Ipad2 so he can work on music while he is there. Though I am not sure what their company policy is on bringing in outside electronics. 


Either way I hope he lands the job but only if it won't interfere with school. And I also hope the job is located in Tampa so I can get the H-E-L-L OUT of pinellas county. 

I'm Still Here (at work)

So as of right now, I am still working at my current job. No one even brought up the issue which either means 1) my co-worker didn't mention it to anyone OR 2) they are going to have a talk with me later (possibly bring it up during my yearly review?). So while I am still a little on edge and have been playing "nice-nice" with everyone just in case. Curtis was right when he said it probably isn't a good reason to get rid of me seeing as the file was going to be shredded if she didn't say anything but still... I worry (possibly too much). 


Now as far as my other job goes... Not doing so hot over there. I worked with just one girl last night and I said to her "I have been thinking of a good way to ask this but I haven't been able to think of one, so I'm warning you now its going to sound rude. Why is it that you talk to me today but yesterday you didn't bother to say two words to me?" At first she seem rather flabbergasted that I asked this and then she got upset (reasonably so, i told her it was going to sound rude) and she said because you came in here with such a bad attitude and every time I tried to talk to you you just said you couldn't hear me. I interrupted and said as far as I could see it (and I tried to say that in a non-accusing tone) the only time you talked to me yesterday was when  you needed something, and no, I couldn't hear you.  


People were starting to come into the restaurant so the conversation kind of got cut off there but she did say one day your up next day your down I don't know what kind of mood you're going to be in. I retorted with why does it matter? Now seeing that yes I can be a downer sometimes I don't feel being ignored for it helps anything. Not to mention that the guy we work with is a CONSTANT downer. He talks badly about his job (which he wouldn't even have if he didn't marry the owner's daughter) while his boss is there, he talks badly about his wife (and while some of the things he says might be true I don't believe in talking so harshly about your spouse in the middle of working hours) for example, she is a bad mother... yeah... I have to wonder if she even knows all the crap he says about her. I don't want to be nosy and tell her either but it bugs the crap out of me. 


On the plus side I did hash things out with Kate and told her it bothered me when she said "Fuck You" to me last week while we were working and while she tried to brush it off that hey she was trying to say it like a joke and didn't mean anything by it I hope it hit home a little. I just don't expect to be cursed at while at work, if you are cursing in general at work (which is very common there) I don't really care, I curse too so I wouldn't expect you to just not curse at all. In the end we hashed it out and I told her I talked to you about it, got it out, I'm done with it. And I went home. 


I am going to work there again tonight and frankly... I DO NOT want to! but we are very close to reaching our first goal as far as the wedding goes ($1200 for flowers, gifts/treats for the guests, jewelry, hair/make-up, church (which we still don't know the cost of or if we can even have it there), and a limo). We are currently at a little over $800 so about three more weeks of working at the restaurant (possibly more if it keeps slowing down) and we will be set. Some other things that I need to pay for though after that expense... a videographer and we need to pay his friend for DJing. His friend is giving us a great price but I still want to talk to him about his experience as a wedding DJ. 


I know there are going to be other costs that come up along the way (garter belt, brides maid and grooms man gifts, Wedding Card Box, Aisle runner) but the essential things will be covered. I am also going to work on making some fake paper flower balls that I can put on the pews on the church (if we get in). 


Oh and did I mention we are moving soon? Yeah on top of everything else we will be moving in the middle of September right before the wedding and I am trying to find us a nice 3 bedroom place for under $750 but so far they are all in bad neighborhoods. We will probably end up in a 2 bedroom which is big enough for us I just wanted a place where we can grow a little.


My mom will be visiting us at the end of August. We will be packing and she will be staying over. She will be sleeping in Curtis' office with ALL of his transformers and old school video games are, its going to be interesting. I really hope she doesn't go through his things, or my things for that matter. I am a little worried about leaving her alone in my house. With that said knowing us we will end getting into an argument in the first 2 days and she will end up staying with George. All in all I hope it works out. 

I'm in Deep Doo Doo

I am in deep trouble at work! I am also freaking out about it but only on the inside because really no one around me should know just how badly I'm freaked right now. I found out this morning that due to my own laziness (basically I didn't look at the right stuff in one of the online folders) that when the guy that comes to shred our files shred one that I was supposed to keep! I was actually almost two files but my co-worker put it aside for whatever reason. 


Now the person that asked us to save the files was in fact told to call/email my other co-worker (same as above) before 3pm Thursday and she send the email just before 3pm on Friday (when my co-worker was not in that day). So she ended up emailing me and my boss and CCing my co-worker. I don't know what came over me to not ask questions and to not look harder for those files but now I am so freaked out that I am going to get fired because of this! I mean I know everyone makes mistakes (and I hope they will consider that if me getting canned gets brought up), and I could go on the defense and say that the lady that asked me to take care of the files didn't follow directions, but I don't want to blame anyone. 


When I asked my co-worker if I should email the lady who put in the request she just said no and when I asked her what the next step was, she just said I haven't decided yet I have moved on to something else (moved on to working on something else). 


God I hope they don't fire me over this!!!

No Friends - At Work

The above picture states it pretty clearly. I have no friends at work, I mean NONE. We have around 30+ people working in this office and I have yet to really have an ongoing conversation with any of them. I pretty much get ignored all day. The worst part is that I have tried! I mean I have really tried to be outgoing and friendly and strike up conversation, I have even tried it with people not in this office but in the same office building and NOTHING. 


Today I was mentioning how I kept having to call the soda to make sure our order is in and I guess my one co-worker took it as a complaint because she said well I guess you will have to stay more on top of it and order what you think we will need... okay thanks I guess... Except that there is no rhyme or reason to how the sodas are drank. If I end up ordering too many then we have no where to put them and i get told to put them away, but uh... THERE IS NO WHERE TO PUT THEM. *sigh*


I'm just sad I have no one to talk to... ever. I really wish I could just make one friend here at work. Someone who I can tell about my weekend to and they can tell me how their life is going... it would be nice... I feel like crying... but I can't... why? Because I'm at work!

Working - A LOT

I have been working a ton this week. Since Tuesday I have spent every night working at the Sushi Restaurant till a little after 9. My day at my first job starts at 8:30 and I wake up around 7am. I was supposed to have the day off Wednesday (at the second job not the first one) and since Curtis and I both had the day off we though hey since we have that groupon to the restaurant I work at lets go and have a nice dinner and we do! but about 10 minutes after we leave I get a call if I can come in and work at the register. The funny part about this is that I asked before I left if they needed help. Of course the two waiters up front said YES! but the boss lady in the back (the wife of the owner) said no its okay its not too busy (the place was almost packed). So I drop Curtis off at a book store and I go in and finally leave at 9:15 to pick up Curtis and to go grocery shopping. 


At the grocery store I quickly pull into my parking spot and this guy next to me bang his door into my car because he lets it swing WIDE open. Then the guy has the nerve to say slow down!... if I would have pulled into that spot slower he would no longer have a driver's side door. 


I will be working every day this week and even though I will have Curtis relieve me after work on Sunday around 6:30-7pm (if he is working at gamestop that day) I have a strong feeling they are going to ask me to stay and . I guess I shouldn't be so worried about making it to goal for the wedding, though really this still isn't enough money in the long run, we still have to save extra money for the DJ (a friend of Curtis' who I really hope knows what he is doing) and extra money maybe depending on how much the church will cost us (if they are even going to let us do it there, which I should find out this Sunday if the guy is back). 


Okay I am rambling... case and point, I am working a lot this week and I will be next week and I am trired.

*Grumble* Stupid Freaking Diet *Grumble*

I'm weak... very weak... when it comes to sweets. I have been "off" my diet for like 5 days now, not really saying screw it to the whole thing but basically eating sweets on top of my normal healthy eating. 


So far I have gained back 1.5 pounds after consuming almost a half a dozen cookies yesterday and finishing the day of with two taco supremes from Taco Bell *gag*. Now I know that 1.5 pounds is not a huge deal but then again  this morning I went down stairs for breakfast instead of eating my greek yogurt like I am supposed to. What did I get? a ham and cheese croissant AND a twix (even though I promised Curtis no sweets for the next two days). In all this just means I will be end up gaining weight again tomorrow morning. I could just go work out and work all of it off but I may end up having to work at the restaurant tonight and realistically I freaking HATE working out. 


I just wish I knew what was wrong with me! Every time I step on the scale and gain weight from not eating right I feel so bad I end up eating more and the cycle just keeps going. To top it off we have a birthday in the office tomorrow and the day after which means I will have a cookie cake in front of me one day and another cake in front of me Thursday. The best I can really hope for is that since everyone will be watching I will be to embarrassed to eat it because I told everyone I am on this diet. Its not even like I can excuse myself from the celebrations because I am the one who has to pick up the cakes whenever we have a birthday in the office. so... UGH!


At this point what I am hoping for is that I can just stick to my diet for the rest of the day and maybe tomorrow and if I do get called in that I can possibly work off what I ate from running around in the kitchen. 


Another sad part of all of this is that I think I partially did it because there is a girl down stairs in the cafe that is always nice to me and talks to me and asks me questions about myself. I don't know if I have mentioned this (though I am sure I have) but pretty much no one at work talks to me... like ever... At best they will ask me to do something for them or ask me about my weekend just so they can tell me about theirs. Then if I do try and strike up conversation with others I just feel like I am annoying them and at points they don't even bother so much as to raise their head or turn around to face me. *sigh* I guess its just been an all around frustrating week in general. 

Goodbye 10 Pounds I Hope to Never See You Again!

WOOT I have officially lost just over 10 pounds! A big thanks goes out to my soon to be hubby who has sacrificed his pizza and ice cream cravings so I will stick to my diet and keeping me strong when I want to down a dozen cookies. Also thank you Charlie my room mate for making me go on walks after work even though I really don't want to. And lastly a thank you to my co-worker Kate who will now be my travel buddy on Mondays (Hopefully). Oh and really I guess there is one more thank you, I thank myself for keeping on this diet for once and doing a good job of it and even though I end up eating something I shouldn't I don't completely fall to pieces I pick my butt up and try again the next day. 


I am still 12 pounds away from my first goal and I hope to reach (maybe even surpass that) by the day of my wedding October 10, 2011. 


Oh and in case anyone who reads this doesn't think losing 10 pounds is a big deal, go to the supermarket and pick up a 10 pound bag of dog food and start carrying it around with you while you shop, NEVER letting go of it. 


And for the other of you who might be wondering what this diet is, its VERY simple. I eat foods that have a 2/1 ratio between protein and carbs. I try to make sure its 2/1 every meal but if not I try and make it like that by the end of the day. So basically if there are 6 grams of carbs in what you are eating there should be 12 grams of protein. What do I normally eat? Greek yogurt (check the nutrition facts though some are not as healthy as you might think) 2% milk, low fat string cheese, the little tuna in a can with crackers snack, chicken breast, sea food, sushi (sashimi style) miso soup, and well there are a lot of things out there. Most fruits have too many carbs and no protein along with most veggies (exceptions are zucchini, and asparagus to name two). BUT the best part of this diet!!! You get a day off every week! I usually take either Saturday or Sunday and on those days I get to eat whatever I want. (Usually sweets). Now I do gain back like a pound or two after that day but it comes off again throughout the week. 


Hopefully this well help someone. I don't work out much (I am VERY bad about doing so) but I have started walking around the neighborhood and trying to find friends to hang out with. 


So YEAY 10 pounds and hopefully soon YEAY 22 pounds!

A Very Off Putting Weekend... (Just Friends?)

So this weekend was quite the little cluster (insert f-word). Over the weekend it started to dawn on me that lately its been like Curtis and I are just friends. The spark that was between us seemed to have died out and i was left hanging out on the couch with a friend of mine. Now right around this time I just about crapped my pants because I was scared what if we're not IN love anymore? Or more to the point what if HE is not IN love with me? I had no doubt in my mind that yes, we both love each other very much but what the hell is going on that we are just treating and feeling like we are just buddies. 


I brought the subject up to him and he agreed yes he has been feeling like I'm just a friend. As sad as I was to hear that I was glad he was honest with me. That night I kept asking him why do you only see me as a friend? What happened? Can you picture your life without me? Can you picture us just as friends? Do we need to call of the marriage? And so on... A lot of the questions he wasn't able to answer because really he didn't know why this came up like this. 


I started wondering if this is what people call pre-wedding jitters and does this happen to other people. He had to go to work Sunday morning and exhausted at that from staying up most of the night talking about all of this. I did the only thing I could think about doing which was get online and do some research. I know my mom wouldn't understand and my best friend is out climbing a mountain with her dad so I couldn't call her and mainly I didn't want anyone to know that we are having this bump in our relationship so close to the wedding. 


After exploring a number of websites I did find some positive news. We are not the only ones that this happens to! (Thank God) though it is more common to happen with people who are married it is something that happens before the wedding. People tend to grow apart because (and this is entirely true for us) they are both working and don't really have time to see each other and have intimate conversations like they used to. (Please keep in mind that I am paraphrasing). Curtis and I had sort of broken down in communicating. He was bottling up a lot of things that I have told him he is free to talk to me about because (as far as I can tell) he thinks either its really not that important or he doesn't want to start a fight. Now me on the other hand, I was starting to get very annoyed at certain personality quirks he has and I was being harsh and really just kind of rude. 


 I met him for lunch and discussed a little about what I found on the internet and once he came home we talked for pretty much the next three hours. To start our conversation he said that yes he does see me as more than just a friend and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. :D I breathed a huge sigh of relief at that point We were both at fault for letting the other drift away and I was glad we realized the problem. 


I do think all of this was partly pre-wedding jitters and part busy schedule and another part of communication shutting down. But after that final talk I think its safe to say we are back to our old selves and as always we agreed that no matter what happens in the future we will work out what problems we have an stay together, which really what I think a marriage should be all about, a life long commitment to one another. 

Tons of Updating

Quick Updates:


Our Cocoa Beach vacation and my birthday were awesome. Neither of us got a sunburn because it was mainly rainy the entire weekend but we didn't let that ruin our fun. We checked out the Kennedy Space center and Curtis geeked out while we both walked around everywhere until our feet felt like falling off. We managed to eat an entire lobster which wasn't that good. Went and jumped from the hot tub to the pool to the hot tub again at the hotel. We also somehow ended up with like $50 worth of transformers but the money will get back into our pockets because we are selling half of them.


Fourth of July we watched fireworks and by accident got awesome seats. We had a little cook out of burgers and shrimp skewers. The day after we spent the ENTIRE day at Adventure Island and I got toastier and Curtis got red and is now peeling like and orange. It was exhausting but awesome at the same time. I bought the all day dining deal for the both of us so we just pigged out that whole day. 


My diet is going pretty well I am right on track for my goal but I wouldn't mind if maybe I could be a little ahead of the game, though that would mean I have to get off my butt and work out. 


I STILL do NOT have a dress but I did pick one that my mom is paying for and will be shipped to me sometime in September. I am still looking for another dress just in case because I ordered that dress from China and I'm not sure exactly what it will look like once it gets here. My mom also offered to pay for my invitations and she will pay for her own hair and make-up the day of the wedding. 


Speaking of hair and make-up we went to a bridal show (didn't win anything darn it) BUT we found a tux place AND we found the people that will be doing my hair and make-up! i put down the deposit and they gave me such a good deal I couldn;t pass it up. They also ended up doing a mini trial run with up-dos and I think mine turned out awesome which is one of the main reasons I went with them. Oh and their name is Renee Michelle. 

Feeling Blue

So I was going through facebook and it seems yet another one of my fellow High school graduates got their masters/Doctoral degree. I'm happy for them and everything but at the same time... I really want to go back to school so I can get my graduate degree in psychology and get a real job. It still tough for me to sit here every day as a receptionist while I have what seems to be a useless BA hanging over my head along with the loans that came with it. I started looking at SPC courses but even their certificate programs are like 18+ credit hours total and with a full time job and no additional income coming our way it doesn't seem realistic that I could take or even pass the class. Not to mention that the few certificates they offer I am not really interested in perusing as job. 


I know in time I will be able to go back to school but in the mean time I would also like to start a family. The girl that just graduated has two kids and a husband who was in the marines and I guess isn't serving anymore or who knows. 


I want like 10 years of my life back but in that same regard I wouldn't want to give up what I have gained. 


Speaking of Gain... I am back on my diet as of today. I basically decided to go off of it one because I am a fat slob and two because my birthday and our vacation (which was wonderful) were coming up. 


I wish dieting wasn't so hard for me. I wish I could motivate myself to just wake up early and exercise or just stay late and exercise but I can't seem to do that. I have dieted and failed and disappointed myself and my mother so many times with dieting that I think part of me has almost given up. I keep looking at wedding dresses that are probably way too small and I will never fit into in a million years but those are the only ones that I actually think look nice. 


My mom said she will help with the wedding and it makes my skin crawl a little because all I can imagine is her saying oh you spent my money on this stupid thing or that stupid thing once she actually goes to the wedding. We only have about $550 dollars left after we pay off orange blossom and that money has to pay for my dress a tux the church makeup hair jewelry dj limo photographer.... etc. I mean I know we will be putting more away as the time goes along till the wedding but i am really starting to get worried its not going to be enough. 


Oh and have I mentioned my anxiety is through the roof the past couple of days thinking about all this?... yeah... 

That Was So Scary I Almost Pooped Myself

I just made a little boo-boo at work... No one was hurt but I almost jumped out of my skin. 

We have some nutella in the fridge, why is in the fridge when it will only turn rock hard? I have no idea. So I think OKAY! I will microwave it a little and make it softer. Well low and behold the top part of the opening still had the tiniest of tinfoil on it. The inside of the microwave turned freaking BLUE! Bright Blue and started making static noises. Needless to say I snatched it out of the microwave shut the door put the nutella back in the firdge and walked away quietly... but man was that scary. I hope the microwave still works.
 

Stressed - Wedding & Work

This past week I have been beyond stressed out over the wedding. The time is really starting to count down now and I have yet to make a single decision as far as the wedding is concerned. Oh well except for the date but if I keep making decisions as slowly as I have been that's going to have to change too. 

The biggest issue I am running into is that for the life of me I cannot decide on a dress and I don't really have anyone to go dress shopping with me so I am at it alone and just send pictures to friends and ask them which the like better and in the end its like well they kind of look alike or I like this about this dress and I like that about that dress. Which in the end is very little help. The other problem I have been running into is the size. I am a 16 dress size in the the chest and a 14 in the waist. So no matter what I will have to make alterations to the dress and after I look at the pictures of myself in the dress all I can think of is that I look like a fat cow. Oh and by the way my diet... yeah stopped doing that like last week. We had free cold stone creamery ice cream day at work. They literally had the company bring in the slab they roll the ice cream on and cater to everyone in the office. I will however start my diet back up again after my vacation this month on the 24th.... my sweet sweet vacation oh how I long for you... 

We went to a tasting this weekend and I wasn't really impressed with the main courses. The appetizers the salad the side dishes were all wonderful but the two main courses were just sub par. Oh and I did make another decision I guess which is that I will have black table clothes and light yellow linens. You would think it looks like a bumble bee but it really doesn't. Now I just need to convince the guy to include the chair covers in the package deal he quoted me. In the end I don't think we have much of a choice in the venue so downtown st. pete is gonna be it. I just have to finalize the plans with the guy and hand over a butt ton of money. 

And now here comes the stress about work... 

My main job is fine same boring thing every day and I am still always scared they are going to fire me for no apparent reason (mainly due to a bad experience at a prior job). BUT the sushi job is a complete freaking mess. Curtis is no longer going to be the sushi chef because he supposedly can't remember the rolls. What we really think is going on is that their son Shawn just moved out and his only source of income is working at the sushi restuarant and we are pretty sure that his parents are paying all his bills in return for him working at the restuarant. So they are making him the dish washer which means I am out of a job. Which means that is one less source of income. I told Curtis to tell his main job he will now be available Fridays and Saturdays and if they schedule him I will work at the restuarant and on the days he has off he can work there. 

I am unfortunately getting to the point where I just no longer want to work there period but we have not bought everything for the wedding yet and we are still not at our goal of $4,000. ($3,000 of which is going for food cake a venue and linens). So realistically we are going to need more money than $4,000. 

So yeah, lots and LOTS of stress over all these things.
 

*Face Palm* - Puffy Sleeves?!?!?

So last night I ask my dear and beloved fiance... How do you envision me when you think about me walking down the isle...


Now I'm thinking, he is going to say something like elegant or regal or maybe like a princess...


WRONG!


You wanna know what he said?


He said something along the lines of wearing white (okay we're good so far) and with puffy sleeves....


Wait... What??? puffy... huh? My brain at this point was confused as to what just tumbled out of his mouth. Of all the things he could have said of all the options in the world a person can think of when thinking of their bride to be he says (with a straight face!) puffy sleeves!!!

So I start wondering to myself... does he think this is the 80's? Am I supposed to be covered from head to toe in some horrible polyester wedding gown with giant puffy sleeves like kid's floaties when they go swimming?

All I could say to him after my brain exploded a little was... really?... and he just said yeah...


Now to be fair, (honey I know you are reading this and yes I will want an explanation later) he probably meant something like this:

But even still, that is SO not me. So far all the dresses I have been looking at have lace and beading some have a corset back with no sleeves no straps even. I have even looked at halter dresses but my boobs generally won't fit so there goes that idea...


Of all the things he could say... puffy sleeves...

A Comparison Day - "Stupid Girl" Moments

I'm having one of those "stupid girl" days. This usually happens when I start dieting. I almost wonder if its a way to find an excuse to go give up on it and eat like a pig. I'm looking at pics of other girls (normal girl not scary skinny girls online) and I am just comparing myself to them. Silly stupid things like I bet they are more creative then I am. They have longer eyelashes. Look no cellulite. Their body doesn't look like a zebra from all the stretch marks.

This starts raveling through my head and starts to get worse and worse till I feel pretty depressed about myself and my situation. Now the good thing is I at least recognized it this time and stopped early. For me its mainly girls that guys I know are seeing or were seeing. Then I start with the I wonder if he likes this or that better with her then me or he probably has more fun with her or had more interesting conversation or better sex... and on it goes.

I do realize how petty all of this is but like I said I am having a "stupid girl" moments. Of course there are things I like about myself and while I shouldn't compare myself to others all I can think about is how better of they have it when it comes to life, body etc. But really I don't know them so realistically that thought isn't necessarily true.

Well I wrote it out so I feel better. I'm still sticking to my diet even while I am working at the sushi restuarant tonight (no rice >.<).

SERIOUS Road Rage

First off let me say a BIG hello to whoever is ready my blog in Ellington, CT. They have now visited my blog 208 time as of this morning at 8:52am. I'm not sure if its one of my followers but if not feel free to leave a message letting me in on who you are :D

Now the not so pleasant news... I was on the wrong end of road rage yesterday. I accidentally cut off a guy in traffic and he then proceeded to speed up get in front of my car and slam on his break a bunch of times causing me to slam on my breaks. So I tried to get into the other lane and this guy is swerving left and right so I can't get past him. So I flash my brights at him kind of as a WTF? and when we eventually get to stop light I take a picture of his license plate with my phone. Well I guess he saw I was taking a picture because this ugly old man gets out of the car, leather skin and all and starts yelling at me through the window. I had my doors locked of course so he couldn't get in. He then proceeds to yell at me as traffic starts pulling away from the light (of course no one got out of their car to help and there wasn't a police officer in sight when you need one) he then slams his fist against my window and drives off. Needless to say it was a VERY scary experience. All I could think of after is what if that a-hole had a gun... then I thought oh my god what if Curtis lost me... then... well then I started getting very upset at that thought. On the way driving home I called Curtis at work and let him know what happened. He told me to call the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Department and I did and while they did take my statement over the phone and got the guys license plate (because yes I did have the picture and still do) but they said because there is no damage to the car and I live in the next county I would have to drive back to Tampa from Clearwater for them to have someone come out and write up a report... I felt pretty hopeless. The incident is over now and it is behind me but I am still a little jumpy over all.


Diet Update: I am down 3.4 pounds as of Tuesday (though the weight loss will start slowing down soon) which puts me at 178.8 pounds as of this morning.